I recently had my first commentary published in our local newspaper. I thought I'd share it with my blog followers. This is the original essay before it was edited.
By Danelle Carvell
I have yet to surpass 100 friends on
Facebook. The number of friends some people acquire amazes me, but it
doesn't really impress me. In today's culture a true friend is hard
to find.
Although Facebook friends can be true
friends, most of my friends on Facebook are people I rarely see.
I
can't have the same relationship with a Facebook friend that I have
with a friend whom I see in person. I can't know a friend's heart
through a computer.
Time, presence,
and depth of discussion determine different types of friendships. I
have friends, best friends, and Facebook friends. Meaningful,
heartfelt discussion nourishes true friendship, but I rarely have
those discussions on Facebook.
Also, there's a
certain human touch that's missing on Facebook because ironically
there's no face-to- face conversation. Without hearing tone of voice
or seeing body language and facial expressions, I can't really know
that person's intentions. That's why comments are easily
misunderstood on Facebook.
A good laugh, a
good recipe and good things to know can be found daily on Facebook.
It's a great place for business owners to advertise and for people to
share events, news and what's happening in people's lives. It's an
entertaining, informative place.
But Facebook isn't
always a friendly place. I've seen heated disputes develop on the
home page for all to read. On Facebook we can lecture people without
being in their presence. We say things that we wouldn't say to them
in person. When I received what felt like a lecture, I deleted a
friend from my list.
So many questions
go unanswered on social networking sites. Can I trust this person?
Does she have my best interests at heart or does she just want to
know my business? Is she dependable? Would she help me if I needed
help? The Facebook friendship is too casual to expect those answers.
But true
friendship has no uncertainties. I feel safe to be myself without
judgment or criticism. My true friends stand by me in good times and
bad. They're willing to sacrifice their own wants to nurture our
friendship. They're unselfish givers who are patient, kind, humble,
and protective.
Friends have come and gone in my life.
As I get older, as I experience and learn more, I continue to raise
the bar on friendship. Some of the friends I had twenty years ago
wouldn't be my friends today. But everything I expect from a friend
is something I would offer to her. I've learned that true friendship
requires certain essential ingredients:
Trust I can't share the details
of my life with someone I don't trust. I've had friends who only
pretended to be friends until I discovered that they weren't
trustworthy. Trust is the foundation of true friendship. It can only
be earned by consistent displays of loyalty over time.
Listening
Some people seem incapable of listening. Their lives are filled with
distractions. While I'm talking, she'll answer her cell phone. Or
she'll cut me off mid-sentence as if I have nothing important to say.
Listening makes people feel important.
Validation Feeling
important is at the heart of what I want from a friend.
I want someone who makes me a priority. I want someone in my corner
who's cheering me on. A true friend always validates the friendship
with positive words and actions.
Communication No
friendship can last without good communication. I want my friends to
tell me if I hurt them. They should be secure in our friendship and
able to express their feelings without fear or hesitation.
Misunderstandings and hurt feelings are often a result of not talking
about it.
Know when to say nothing We
simply can't blurt out everything that crosses our minds. Yet some
people do, and they claim that they're just being honest. But blatant
honesty isn't always the best choice when it comes to friendship.
Encourage, don't lecture I
remember the hurt I felt after one friend's suggestion that I “get
a backbone” and another friend's harsh advice about a habit I
should change. I felt like a child being scolded by a parent.
Encouragement motivates people. Lectures feel like spankings.
Be careful with advice Unrequested
advice can feel like a lecture. Sometimes we do need to step in and
offer guidance, but I've learned to be cautious here. Too much
advising can cause tension between friends that isn't easily erased.
Look past actions, consider the
motive Sometimes people do
things for all the right reasons, but still someone gets hurt. When
we look past a friend's actions and consider why she did or said
something, we might discover that her intentions were innocent.
Forgive Prideful
people have a hard time forgiving, but without forgiveness, the
friendship will end because people are fallible. We all say and do
things that could hurt others. True friends give each other the
benefit of the doubt.
Friendship can be
found anywhere and at any point in our lives. One of my best friends
today was my best friend in high school. We recently reconnected
after years of being out of touch. Spending time with her again makes
me realize why I liked her so much in high school. She's easy to be
with. I love her sense of humor. She's a caring person who does the
most thoughtful things. We enjoy each other's company.
Sometimes friends
come into our lives like an unexpected gift, but other times we have
to look for them. Seven years ago, when I was pulled out of the
workplace by health problems, I felt isolated. Everyone around me
seemed to have people close by on whom they could rely, but my life
felt empty. I needed a support system, so I started a friendship
group.
We call it girls
night. Once a month, the five of us take turns making dinner at our
homes. We catch up on all that's happened since we last saw each
other. We laugh, sometimes there are tears. My friends are still
thanking me for starting the group six years ago. If I hadn't reached
out to them, we would have missed out on so many wonderful nights of
friendship.
Women just need to
talk. They need someone to listen when the stresses of life hit hard.
Studies have shown depression to be less prevalent in women who
maintain many close friendships. When I'm having a bad week, I can't
keep my feelings and emotions bottled up. I either need to have a
good cry or a good talk with a friend. Crying makes my eyes red and
swollen, so I prefer to talk about it.
Like any living thing, friendship needs to be nurtured. It needs
time, love and face to face interaction.
Time is often our
excuse for neglecting friendships. Women are so busy today that they
put off their friends. But without time to visit and care for one
another, we can't build real friendships. Women either choose to
isolate themselves or they allow it to happen.
We've become a
nation of rushed loners who only have time for personal achievement
and self-fulfillment. Women work outside the home then spend another
40 hours a week doing household chores. They run their children from
one activity to another. Are we settling for superficial
relationships that have no closeness, no love? Can we blame busyness
or have we just given up on true friendship?
Nurturing friendship is difficult in a
culture where women have grown to become competitive instead of
supportive. Generations ago, when most women were homemakers and
didn't have careers, they lived the same style of life. They had the
same struggles and could relate to each other in a supportive way as
they accomplished daily tasks related to the home.
But today, homemakers and stay-at-home
moms have come under attack. Some career women don't respect
homemakers. I have a friend who avoids certain women because they
make comments that suggest she lives a privileged life. She's a
stay-at-home wife with no children, but very active in her church and
community. She's using her time and talents to help others without
receiving a paycheck. But our confused society believes she must
apologize for being “just” a homemaker.
Why can't women support one another's
decisions? Why can't they encourage each other? Because we live in a
culture that encourages female competition. Every day we're bombarded
with messages that make us question our self-worth as women. Beauty
is highly praised. Financial success is admired. Motherhood and
homemaking are demeaned. Women don't feel worthy unless they are
accomplishing profitable work with a flawless smile, a knockout
body, clear skin, and fabulous hair.
I don't enjoy the company of
competitive women, but they seem to be everywhere- in the workplace,
the school, even in the church. A friendship with someone like that
would be nothing but stress. Why do women need to be the best at
everything they do? Why can't they relax and work together without
all the drama? Something inside them is perplexed. They have no
peace.
Rare is the woman who is at peace with
herself and that's what it takes to be a true friend. In our culture,
we judge others by how they look, what they do, how busy they are,
and the nice things they have. But a true friend wouldn't do that.
She wouldn't care if I had a career or stayed at home, if I lived in
a simple home or a mansion. Nor would it matter to her if I was
homely or gorgeous, skinny or overweight. A true friend ignores the
shallow standards of our culture and loves me for who I am and who I
dream of being. She offers love, not competition.
I rarely feel the love from an email, a
text, or a Facebook post. Our modern ways of communicating have put
more distance between us. People avoid face-to-face contact.
Employees walk past the boss's office and send him a text. Family
members text each other while they're all at home. My daughter gets
together with her friends and they sit silently with their eyes on
their phones instead of each other. What's the point of getting
together, I wonder. True friendship happens without technology.
I've learned a lot
about friendship, but I still make mistakes. I laugh in awkward
situations and my laughter can be insulting. My passion about a
subject can come across as pride. I fumble with words and say the
wrong things. My personality quirks can be misunderstood. I want a
friend who knows me well enough to see who I really am. I want her to
know my heart.
The condition of a
woman's heart determines whether she'll be a true friend or not. In
God's word, we are called to build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11) and
bear one another's burdens (Gal. 6:2). But in today's culture, too
many girls and women would rather tear each other down. And bearing
one another's burdens takes time, so we ignore those around us who
are suffering.
I often wonder how
many potential friends I walk past every day. How many people does
God put in my path that I don't talk to. I guess my reluctance to
reach out to people is another reason why a true friend is hard to
find.
