THE POWER OF VALIDATION
Do you know the degrading feeling you get when you do something to help and someone comes along and bashes your efforts? It hurts...a lot. That is what I'm talking about today--the power of validation. What is validation? It is the recognition and acceptance that someone has feelings and thoughts that are true and real to her, regardless of logic or whether it makes sense to someone else.
To validate is to offer acceptance and feedback about the person's reality in a non-judgemental way--to allow someone to share their thoughts and feelings without your judgement. To do that, we have to first let people know that we respect their perception of the situation in that moment.
Deep down, we all want to be validated and made to feel that what we think, say and do is valuable. We want to know that our presence in a room is valuable and worth noticing. If we don't validate people before we correct them, we risk coming across as condescending and being seen as a bully.
I've been reading a book titled, "The Power of Validation." That's why I decided to write this. I have a lot to say on the subject because of my own experiences. In writing this, I thought of many examples of when I didn't feel validated. But one stands out as a representation of all of them.
I was working as an instructional aide at a local middle school. In between classes, I passed many teachers and always said hello to them. But there was one particular teacher, a woman, who never said Hi back. When she saw me she literally raised her chin, looked straight ahead, and walked past me with no eye contact.
I never before had someone treat me like that and it was so strange. It bothered me a lot. Every day I got the same reaction to my greeting her in the hall. Eventually I gave up on the greetings. I had to surrender. There was no point saying Hello to a stone wall.
My daughter recently shared a conversation she had with someone about validation. She hates it when she walks in a room and says something like, "It's really a nice day out there," and no one responds to her. She needs a response in order to feel validated. But she wasn't feeling that validation from a particular person and she told him about it. He had no idea that his silence was troubling her. In his mind, he just didn't have anything to say back. See how easy it is to make someone feel unvalidated.
According to the book, validation has power because it instills so many things in us that help us to function in life. Validation begins in childhood. A parent who can't validate her child will raise a child who has no self-esteem, can't manage her emotions, can't maintain relationships, has little compassion for herself and others, can't commit to things, and doesn't do well academically. The child will be unhappy and not know why.
Of all those problems that lack of validation can cause, I'm going to focus on self-esteem. If a parent doesn't love a child for who he is, but instead only loves that child for how well he can perform, then the child will forever be trying to win a parent's love through achievements such as doing well in school or perfecting a talent or skill.
A child who is told that he's lazy, worthless, ugly or any other negative word will begin to believe it. But when a child grows up feeling loved and accepted, she is more likely to reach her potential without caring what other people think of her. She can handle criticism and rejection without curling up in a ball and crying.
A strong self-esteem gives us an inner strength that is so necessary in today's world because people have lost their manners. Courtesy is no longer the norm. Kindness is hard to find in classmates and co-workers, the people we spend much of our time with. A strong self image allows us to rise above the negativity and believe we are worthy and capable despite what others might say or do to suggest otherwise.
I credit my dad for teaching me about self-respect and boundaries. He had a serious talk with me one day when I was a teenager. I was allowing a boy to verbally mistreat me and he overheard it. I was embarrassed by my dad's reprimand but knew he was right. I refused to talk to that stupid boy again.
Without self-esteem, we don't have the strength to set boundaries. We become people pleasers and care more about being accepted by others than we care about receiving respect from others. Without self-esteem, we are doormats to be stepped on daily by uncaring people. Consistent validation is what we need as children to become strong adults with a healthy self-esteem.
As I mentioned, a strong self-esteem helps us to set boundaries. I've walked away from abusive relationships because I know my emotional health is worth preserving. I stay away from bullies because I deserve respect. But if I couldn't set boundaries because I grew up lacking validation, then my life would be a mess in so many ways.What parent wouldn't want to give her child validation so that the child has what she needs to survive in the world?
We should value how we feel about ourselves more than we value what other people think or say about us. We have to be free to fill our potential without regard to those who might not approve. When we are easily controlled by others or we allow people to abuse us or take advantage of us, then a low self-esteem is usually part of the problem.
A person with self-esteem won't waste emotional energy trying to do something that doesn't feel right to her. She won't give in just because someone disagrees or because she's afraid of rejection. Receiving validation as we grow up gives us the strength to be true to ourselves and stand up for ourselves.
But you don't have to be a parent and raising a child to put validation into action. Anyone can validate others. All it takes is mindfulness--paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and nonjudgmentally. By being mindful we will see many chances each day to offer validation.
SHOWING APPRECIATION
Too many people are quick to correct and criticize without validating the person's efforts first. If we are going to correct someone, our first sentence should be an appreciation for their efforts. Don't pounce on them with your critique unless you first give that person credit for trying.
GIVE COMPLIMENTS
I recently failed to validate someone when at the end of a very interesting presentation I walked right past the instructor and headed toward the door. I wasn't feeling well but that was no excuse. How much effort would it have taken to make eye contact with him and thank him for the interesting class he just taught? I failed to validate him and I felt bad about it.
VALIDATE ACTIONS
I remember telling someone in my family that what he did took a lot of courage. He did something extreme to better his career and he probably felt uncertain about what the rest of us thought about it. It wasn't a normal thing that people do, but in the end it worked out for him. I remember the look on his face when I gave him that compliment about his courage. It was a look of relief. One person in the family validated his decision and I could tell it meant so much to him.
VALIDATE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
We need to be careful about saying things like, "You shouldn't feel that way." We can't make anything better by making light of a situation as if it's not a big deal. "You need to get over it and carry on," is a cruel thing to say to someone who is clearly hurting and struggling with something. A better thing to say is, "I can see that what you're feeling is very real."
VALIDATE THEIR PRESENCE
Intentionally ignoring someone is a form of bullying. Our body language says a lot about how we feel toward people. We can't validate someone when we refuse to turn toward them, refuse to speak to them, or refuse to make eye contact. A mere wave of the hand can make a person feel insignificant. Standing with arms crossed in front sends a message of cold disapproval. Nothing breaks the ice like a smile. Let someone know that you appreciate their presence.
Validation has power. We want our children to be strong, capable adults so we validate them every chance we get. But we also have other opportunities to validate. Everyday we come across people who help us in small ways and we can offer appreciation. The lady at the cash register wears a name tag. Say her name. Thank the mail lady, the bank teller, and tell the restaurant owner that he's doing a good job.
Few things feel better that to have someone validate who you are and what you have to offer. After reading The Power of Validation I have become more mindful of the effect I can have on someone simply by validating their thoughts, their feelings, their actions and their presence in a room.
This is me and my dad on my wedding day. He died years ago, but he had many good qualities and taught me valuable things that have helped me to get through life's challenges. That's the power of a parent's validation.
