LIFE AS A DOORMAT IS MESSY

                                                                     

                                                                            

Scarecrow was a mess and didn't have a brain. Like him, a life without boundaries is a messy life.

                                                                                   

       By Danelle Carvell

In my teens and early twenties I was a bit insecure.  I wanted people to like me so I became a people pleaser.  Being unable to say "No" put me in situations I shouldn't have been in. Often it was my "friends" who got me into these predicaments.  I'd end up at a sleazy party because a girlfriend was interested in some guy and she didn't want to go alone. I've been on dates I should have declined, and I've said yes to things I should have said no to, all because I wanted to please people and have them like me. 

      Now that I'm close to 60, I have become wiser and more assertive.  I've learned to stand up for myself and say "No!" to things that aren't good for me. And I’ve learned who my true friends are. I no longer need everyone to like me. If you bring nothing good to my life, I don’t care how you feel about me. 

      “The most basic boundary-setting word is no.  It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you,” say Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend in their book, Boundaries.  I highly recommend that book to anyone who has a problem establishing legitimate limits that are so essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I can’t love people effectively without boundaries and I can’t protect myself from manipulative or abusive relationships without taking control of my life. 

      Establishing boundaries is sometimes about trusting your instincts. When something doesn't feel right it probably isn't the right thing to do.  And people who truly care for you will respect your boundaries. If they don’t, perhaps you shouldn’t be spending time with them. 

      I’m not talking about becoming an overly-aggressive person who looks out only for herself. Sometimes we should do a difficult thing for the sake of helping friends and family. While the goal of a selfishly aggressive person is to get what she wants no matter who she hurts, the goal of an assertive person is to nurture her own well-being without hurting others.

But that doesn't mean you won't disappoint people. My friend wouldn't have died if she hadn't made it to that dreadful party, but she would have been disappointed. But I can't make her happy at my own expense, and no friend should ever expect that.

     It really is true that we teach people how to treat us. One of the first places women learn this is when they start dating. When I was 17, I went on one date with someone who surprised me by his invitation because I hadn’t noticed his interest in me. He just called me out of the blue and I said, yes. 

     Looking back, I  would have been wiser to say No. He later admitted that the only reason he asked me out was to get back at my former boyfriend for dating his former girlfriend. Talk about feeling used. I wanted to smack him. 

   I often thought about telling my daughter all my dating horror stories so she wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made. She did make some mistakes in that area, but now she’s married to a man who adores her and treats her with kindness and respect. I’m not taking credit for her good choice, but perhaps she learned to have boundaries because she saw that example in me.

     Becoming skilled at setting boundaries helps more than just you. Your children are watching you and learning how they should respond to people who abuse and take advantage of them. I didn’t raise doormats and I refuse to be one myself. Being used and abused is not God’s plan for you either. 

WHY GET MARRIED IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK?

 

                                                                                

                                                                                

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

Over two steaming cups at Starbucks, she shared her desire to have better communication with her husband.  “We don’t talk,” she said in a hopeless tone.  “He doesn’t think it’s a problem, but I feel like something’s missing in our marriage.”

My friend was expressing an emptiness that many women feel. I grew up with parents that didn’t talk, but because they never argued, I assumed they were happy. Many years after their divorce, my mother told me that she and my dad rarely talked about their problems.

Early in our marriage, my husband hated talking.  He hated it so much that I could see the fear in his eyes every time I said, “We need to talk.” Meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in a marriage, but from my experience, men don’t seem to have the same need. A man can think that everything is fine in the relationship while a woman can be deeply troubled and aware of a growing list of problems between them.

To spark better communication, the first thing I did was let my husband know that conversation is important to me. I did that by first mentioning something that is important to him: “Would you be happy if you couldn’t go hunting anymore?” I asked. That got his attention. Then I said, “As much as you need hunting to be happy, I need conversation with you.”

Men are not mind readers.  Don’t be the woman who coos, “If he really loved me, he would know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him.”  That’s just foolish.  You can’t realistically expect a man to magically know when your needs are going unmet.

Over the years, I tried different things to improve our talk time.  I tried setting aside a certain night for conversation, but it didn’t work because when I have a gripe I need to spill it then and there. I can’t wait until Thursday. I also learned that timing is everything.  I can’t spring a heavy conversation on Jim as soon as he gets home from work. He says he needs time to unwind. Sometimes men aren’t open to conversation simply because the timing is off.

The way you approach a man is also important.  You must be calm, not hysterical.  If that means giving yourself an hour to cool off, take it. Then, when it’s time to confront him, use a tone that’s soft, not an accusing tone.  Use introductory words like, “I feel” and “I need.”  Accusing words such as, “You always,” and “You never” will make a man feel like he’s being attacked. He will become defensive and you’ll end up frustrated because nothing will be resolved.

Every couple that wants their marriage to thrive must give themselves time each day that belongs to only them. This is why I believe in set bedtimes for children. Couples need to connect every day and share their thoughts and feelings.  Without the connection that talking brings to a marriage, you’ll feel more like roommates than husband and wife. 

I’ll say it again, meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in marriage. The guy may have other great qualities, but if he doesn’t welcome conversation and really listen to his wife, she will never be happy with him. She’ll be lonely and feeling like something is missing. Why is it so easy for a woman to share marital unhappiness with a friend over coffee, but so difficult to share those feelings with her husband?

Those who long for change must be the ones to initiate it. My husband doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he needs from me. He may not ask directly, but he finds ways to make his needs known. So why shouldn’t I make my needs known?

My first marriage ended because neither one of us gave what the other person needed. I remember our counselor asking my ex-husband what he learned when our counseling sessions were coming to a close. He thought for a moment and then said, “I learned that I can’t be selfish. I have to think about what the other person needs.” And that is what it’s all about. 

I recall a book titled, “His Needs, Her Needs.” I don’t remember if I read it or I wanted to read it. People write books like that because unless a man understands his wife’s needs, he will continue down the same oblivious path to his wife’s unhappiness. He will think that she’s just someone who can’t be pleased no matter what he does. 

And that concept works both ways. A woman can be just as oblivious to her husband’s needs. The only way to fix the problem is to address it. If you want him to talk, you need to tell him how important conversation is to you. At least it’s a good place to start.

Pour a cup of coffee. Then pour your heart out.