WHAT WOMEN LONG FOR

By Danelle Carvell 


What do women want?  What do they dream of?  Women can be a mystery not only to men but to themselves as well.  Women wonder why they have the longings they have, and they feel guilty for having them.

I'm reading a great book that's helping me to understand my own heart.  In Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, I'm learning that "every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty."  Writing about all three of these longings would require words that could fill a book.  So if you want the complete picture of a woman's heart, I suggest you read Captivating.  My blog today will focus on the first of a woman's longings, to be romanced.

In Captivating, Author Stasi Eldredge opens her heart and shares the deep longings she had as a little girl.  One of her favorite games growing up was "kidnapped and rescued."  In that game she was the beauty abducted by the bad guys, then fought for and rescued by a hero.  "I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for," says Eldredge.  "This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl--and every woman.  Yet most of us are ashamed of it."

This is why little girls and women love books and movies that portray a handsome prince coming to rescue his beloved.  As little girls we love Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella.  As women we love romance novels and movies like Titanic and Pretty Woman.  "A little girl longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for," says Eldredge... "Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after."

Women want to be romanced.  And when that is missing from their lives they will reach for romance novels, food, alcohol, shopping, or whatever addiction fits their lifestyle.  A woman needs to fill the emptiness that's present when she's not anyone's priority, she's not loved, not wanted, not sought after and pursued.

Did you get married just to raise kids and pay bills?  Why do so many couples fall into the routine of simply being parents and breadwinners? Yes, parenting is important and we need money to survive, but there's something else a marriage needs to survive: a little romance.

If I had ten dollars for every time I heard a woman say, "There's just no connection between us," I could buy a new car. Husbands and wives forget that they were lovers before they got married and became parents. They need to get out and have some fun, plan time together, laugh again, talk and reconnect.

Women become addicted to romance novels and soap operas because it's the only romance they get. When a wife misses the affection, the flowers, the passion, and that look in his eyes, she'll find it on TV, in a book, or at the movies.  These fantasy romances become a substitute for the love she's longing for.

Why is passion and romance so hard to keep alive after a few years of marriage? I think it's because we don't give it priority or effort. Men stop trying to please their wives. The pursuit is over. "She's mine and now I can relax," he thinks. But what he should be thinking is, "She's mine and now I have to keep her interested."

Women deserve to be dated. The happiest wives have husbands who never stop dating them, never stop pursuing them. Women need to feel wanted and appreciated. They need physical affection and verbal compliments. But some men just don't get it. They don't even try to fulfill a woman's needs.  Yet men continue to expect their own needs to be met.

So many wives will tell their girlfriends how unhappy they are and how lonely they feel, but they won't tell their husbands. And it's sad because with a little effort any marriage can be reborn. The spark that brought you together can reignite.

But men aren't the only ones who can start a fire. Women need to speak up and tell their husbands what they want. Men can't read minds. Most of them need encouragement to be romantic. They also need a woman to be loveable. Constant nagging won't bring you affection.  Criticism kills romance. Sometimes, the most heartless man can be softened by the honest, soft-spoken request of a kind woman. If he refuses to listen, then he needs a wake-up call.  He needs to be reminded what life would be like without her.  Then maybe he'd appreciate what he has.

But don't worry guys, pleasing a woman isn't something that's going to break you or exhaust you. A compliment is romantic. A hug is romantic. A single rose is more romantic to me than a dozen. Unless you've married a material girl, you don't need money to express your love. All you need is the desire to please her. So be creative. Thoughtful surprises are romantic too. And you know what the most romantic thing is that women crave? A good conversation. Talk to her about her dreams, what places she wants to see, what she wishes she could do. Do you even know what she longs for?

A woman's heart doesn't stay filled. That's the mystery of women. The part that men can't figure out is why we need constant assurance that we're loved and appreciated. To that question I would ask, "Why do men have constant needs?"   Why do they constantly need to be fed?  Men's and women's  needs are different, but they're always constant.

Hearing so many wives express a sense of loneliness in marriage tells me it's time for couples to make more of an effort in the romance department. Every fire goes out eventually if you don't do the work to keep it going.