MY INSIGHTFUL WEEKEND

By Danelle Carvell
I spent the weekend at a friend's house.  We lounged by her pool and chatted about our families, the world's problems, and the mystery of making marriage work.  We agreed that men don't talk enough, and when they do say something it's not what we want to hear.  We also came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity is what drives negative behavior.  For example, a chronic complainer feels the need to criticize others because of his own deep fears and insecurities.  By criticizing others he makes himself feel better.  If everyone else is inadequate, then he doesn't feel so bad about himself.


For two people who were raised differently with different values and ideas about life to be put together and expected to live in harmony is a huge undertaking.  Few couples are up for the challenge and many throw in the towel when things get messy.  Each person comes into the marriage with certain expectations and when those expectations aren't met, a certain dissatisfaction develops on one or both sides and a couple becomes more and more distant.  We begin to regret even marrying in the first place.


The thing that I question is why we put such impossibly high standards on each other.  Why is it okay for us to expect so much from our spouse and yet we are not willing to give that person what they need to feel fulfilled.  We focus on every little thing that person isn't doing and we don't realize how little we are doing to make that person feel loved.  Do we even know what our spouse wants or needs?  Do we make an effort to give the one we promised to love honor and cherish anything to indicate that we do love honor and cherish them?  And do we express appreciation for the things they do for us?


Women don't feel loved and men don't feel respected.  Those are the number one complaints of couples.  And the number one complaint of children in the marriage is that they don't receive gentle loving kindness and their parent's attention.  They are spoken to harshly and treated like inconveniences.  They don't feel appreciated.  When they do something to help around the house, they are belittled for not doing it right.  They begin to feel like they can't do anything right and they wonder why they were even born.  They openly say things like, "I wish I never would have been born.  Why did my parents have me if they didn't want me?"


It really is sad the way we treat each other.  The one place where we are supposed to feel safe and loved becomes the one place where we feel the least appreciated.  We think that we're doing a good job taking care of everyone and then someone says something that feels like a knife to the heart.  Harsh words spoken carelessly chisel a wound so deep we feel like giving up.  Nothing is ever good enough for those who place impossibly high standards on the ones they love.  The house is never clean enough.  There's never enough money.  Dinner could have been better.  Our minds are always on the negative.  We just can't be grateful for what we have.  We can't express appreciation.  We can only complain.


Before Ann Voskamp wrote One Thousand Gifts, she was challenged by a friend to write out one thousand things that she is grateful for.  This challenge took on a life of its own as Ann began to see the beauty in everything.  She stood at the sink washing dishes and would marvel at the colors radiating from her soap bubbles.  She dropped everything she was doing one night before dinner to go outside and soak in the warm light and amazement of a rising full moon.  She even got excited about cheese.


Why is it so hard for us to appreciate?  Why do we always want more?  Why can't we look at the ones we love and realize that they're doing the best they can?  Why can't we be thankful for the things and people God brought into our lives?  Why must we always focus on what's wrong with everything and everyone around us?  If we changed our attitudes and instead focused on what we have to be grateful for, would we become more content?  I guess the only way to find out is to try.  Ann Voskamp accepted the challenge.  She discovered the joy of being grateful and wrote a book about it.


The invitation to thankfulness is waiting.  How many of us will open our eyes and see the blessings we've been given?  What will it take for us to truly appreciate each other?  Will our loved ones have to die before we realize their good qualities?  And are we truly living if we can't appreciate them?