By Danelle Carvell
I once thought of bullying as something only kids and teenagers do. I believed that the world beyond high school would be bully free. Being an adult meant acting like one. But last year I saw adults being mean to each other in ways that reminded me of the third grade schoolyard. Covid brought out the worst in people.
I'm not on Facebook much anymore. The mask wars put me over the edge. I had experienced bullying on social media before Covid, but 2020 was the year I needed to step away. I didn't realize how the negative conversations on Facebook were affecting me until I took a break from it.
I was shocked by the rude comments and who was behind them. Arguments about Covid swayed me to click the unfriend button several times. One of my Facebook friends even gave me a lecture about being able to disagree and still be friends. She didn't think I should unfriend people because they don't agree with me.
When you smear someone's character or make demands on them, you go beyond disagreeing with them. Several people stepped over the line last year on Facebook, and I feel no guilt or remorse clicking the unfriend button when I'm being attacked.
Cyberbullying is one of many ways that adults bully each other. A recent study revealed that 31% surveyed have been bullied by adults. They also said that bullying has become more accepted in the past year. The digital age has enhanced our potential for being harmed by words. And Covid was the perfect opportunity for bullies to do their thing.
The keyboard gives false courage. Those who bullied me on Facebook last year wouldn't have found it so easy to say those things in person. Unkind words flow more freely in front of the screen, when the person isn't actually present. It's a cowardly act.
Bullies are often insecure, so they target people they feel threatened by. Those people are often smart, capable and well-liked There's a saying about people who want to feel tall by cutting off the heads of others. Bullies often don't feel good about themselves, so they put others down to lift themselves up. My research on bullying has made me realize that bullies are broken, hurting, unhappy people.
When I'm bullied, it really has nothing to do with me. Their hostility reveals more about them. Confident people with a strong self-esteem and a happy life don't need to be mean. Keeping that in mind has made it easier for me to have empathy for bullies. I'm not writing this to admonish the bullies in my life, but to help others understand and deal with adult bullies.
The definition of bullying is "aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort." Being on the receiving end of bullying can cause both physical and emotional stress that includes Sleep loss, headaches, muscle pain, anxiety, depression and frequent sick days. Over time, more serious issues can manifest. Thyroid problems, gastrointestinal problems, high blood pressure, mood disorders, self-destructive behaviors, eating disorders and other health problems can be the result of bullying.
According to Psychology Today, there are five ways that adults bully one another. I already mentioned cyberbullying. The second way is tangible/ material bullying. That's when someone uses advantage in stature or resources to dominate and control the victim. They might be in a higher position over you or they might use material leverage such as money, information or the law to intimidate, threaten or harass you. I have experienced this type of bullying in the workplace.
The workplace is one of the worst places to experience bullying because it affects our ability to focus and function. The last time I was bullied at work, I found myself forgetting things and making mistakes I probably wouldn't have made in a pleasant work environment.
Because I was focused on self-preservation, I found it difficult to focus on my work. I was basically treated like a dog at that job. I say that because pounding on a table, clapping, and pounding on the back of my chair are things this person did to get my attention. And those are things you do to get a dog's attention.
I finally quit after enduring the abuse for several years. It felt like being let out of prison. To make things worse, she never owned up to the abuse when I called her out on it. She would either claim that she didn't remember the incident or tell me that I'm too sensitive. Eventually I gave up confronting her because I knew she would just throw it all back on me.
That's what bullies do. They abuse you and then tell you that you need to toughen up. They find a way to make you the one with the problem. It's never them. It took me a long time to realize that I was being bullied in that job. One of my co-workers said that she wanted to warn me when I was hired. A few others gave me their phone numbers if I needed to talk and they told me that I wasn't the first person who was forced to quit that position.
Finding support from co workers is important if you're planning to keep the job. Being bullied affects you unconsciously and you'll need that support. If it's possible to limit your exposure to the bullying, do what you can to make that happen. Write down every bullying event and the date. This will help you to acknowledge that you are being bullied and it's important if you decide to report the abuse.
The third type of bully is the passive/aggressive or covert bully. This is a bully who takes you down slowly and is more sly about it. They might use negative gossip, joking at your expense, sarcasm, eye contact, facial expressions or gestures that are condescending. They might give you a mean look or deliberately cause you embarrassment. This bully might also ignore you, isolate you or exclude you. They scheme to find ways to sabotage your well-being, happiness or success.
I have also been on the receiving end of this type of bullying. Both of my examples are women who used condescending gestures and facial expressions as well as negative gossip and deliberate embarrassment to harm me. When I think about the reasons why these women bullied me, I can only come up with two reasons: envy and resentment. One of the women resented me for something that happened more than twenty years ago, and the other one felt threatened by me for reasons that were only in her head.
Once again, bullying says more about the bully than the victim. People who hang on to resentment for that long need to look at their own lives and assess their own mistakes and imperfections. And someone who feels threatened by another woman also needs to examine herself or question her situation to figure out what's causing her insecurities.
The fourth type of adult bullying is verbal bullying. This is straight in your face bullying in the form of threats, shaming, hostile teasing, insults, constant negative judgement and criticism or racist sexist language. This is the one I struggle most to find examples from my own life, perhaps because it takes more courage to bully someone so openly and obviously. But I have experienced this type of bullying and I have watched others repeatedly endure it, sometimes from their own family members.
An important thing to remember about bullies is that they often pick on those that they perceive as weak, so as long as you remain passive and don't stand up for yourself, you make yourself a continuous target. A bully will often back down when the victim shows some backbone and stands up for himself.
The fifth type of bully is even bolder than the verbal bully. He will use intimidation, threats, harassment or harm his victim by attacking the person physically. He might throw things, hit someone, sexually harass the victim or use physical gestures to scare you. I experienced this type of bullying when I was in my twenties and it happened in front of a room full of people. The humiliation is something I will never forget.
There's a saying that suggests we can teach people how to treat us. And there's another saying from an unknown source that says people will hate and bully you for three reasons: they see you as a threat, they hate themselves, or they want to be you. All three reasons reveal the heart of the bully and the pain that's causing their actions. It's really not about you.
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