WHY GET MARRIED IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK?

 

                                                                                

                                                                                

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

Over two steaming cups at Starbucks, she shared her desire to have better communication with her husband.  “We don’t talk,” she said in a hopeless tone.  “He doesn’t think it’s a problem, but I feel like something’s missing in our marriage.”

My friend was expressing an emptiness that many women feel. I grew up with parents that didn’t talk, but because they never argued, I assumed they were happy. Many years after their divorce, my mother told me that she and my dad rarely talked about their problems.

Early in our marriage, my husband hated talking.  He hated it so much that I could see the fear in his eyes every time I said, “We need to talk.” Meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in a marriage, but from my experience, men don’t seem to have the same need. A man can think that everything is fine in the relationship while a woman can be deeply troubled and aware of a growing list of problems between them.

To spark better communication, the first thing I did was let my husband know that conversation is important to me. I did that by first mentioning something that is important to him: “Would you be happy if you couldn’t go hunting anymore?” I asked. That got his attention. Then I said, “As much as you need hunting to be happy, I need conversation with you.”

Men are not mind readers.  Don’t be the woman who coos, “If he really loved me, he would know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him.”  That’s just foolish.  You can’t realistically expect a man to magically know when your needs are going unmet.

Over the years, I tried different things to improve our talk time.  I tried setting aside a certain night for conversation, but it didn’t work because when I have a gripe I need to spill it then and there. I can’t wait until Thursday. I also learned that timing is everything.  I can’t spring a heavy conversation on Jim as soon as he gets home from work. He says he needs time to unwind. Sometimes men aren’t open to conversation simply because the timing is off.

The way you approach a man is also important.  You must be calm, not hysterical.  If that means giving yourself an hour to cool off, take it. Then, when it’s time to confront him, use a tone that’s soft, not an accusing tone.  Use introductory words like, “I feel” and “I need.”  Accusing words such as, “You always,” and “You never” will make a man feel like he’s being attacked. He will become defensive and you’ll end up frustrated because nothing will be resolved.

Every couple that wants their marriage to thrive must give themselves time each day that belongs to only them. This is why I believe in set bedtimes for children. Couples need to connect every day and share their thoughts and feelings.  Without the connection that talking brings to a marriage, you’ll feel more like roommates than husband and wife. 

I’ll say it again, meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in marriage. The guy may have other great qualities, but if he doesn’t welcome conversation and really listen to his wife, she will never be happy with him. She’ll be lonely and feeling like something is missing. Why is it so easy for a woman to share marital unhappiness with a friend over coffee, but so difficult to share those feelings with her husband?

Those who long for change must be the ones to initiate it. My husband doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he needs from me. He may not ask directly, but he finds ways to make his needs known. So why shouldn’t I make my needs known?

My first marriage ended because neither one of us gave what the other person needed. I remember our counselor asking my ex-husband what he learned when our counseling sessions were coming to a close. He thought for a moment and then said, “I learned that I can’t be selfish. I have to think about what the other person needs.” And that is what it’s all about. 

I recall a book titled, “His Needs, Her Needs.” I don’t remember if I read it or I wanted to read it. People write books like that because unless a man understands his wife’s needs, he will continue down the same oblivious path to his wife’s unhappiness. He will think that she’s just someone who can’t be pleased no matter what he does. 

And that concept works both ways. A woman can be just as oblivious to her husband’s needs. The only way to fix the problem is to address it. If you want him to talk, you need to tell him how important conversation is to you. At least it’s a good place to start.

Pour a cup of coffee. Then pour your heart out.