RAISING THE BAR ON FRIENDSHIP

Standing on the sidelines in our majorette uniforms at a 1978 football game

                                                  

By Danelle Carvell

As I got older and my priorities changed, I raised the bar on friendship. I want more than someone to hang out with, I want a friend who knows my heart and offers hers. The quality of that friendship is more important to me than just having a pal. My time is valuable, and I can't waste time with friends who leave me feeling empty on the drive home.

If all I wanted was companionship, I could make my husband my whole life and be happy. But I want girlish laughter and all-night emotional chats on subjects my husband can't relate to. A good friendship is just as important as a good marriage. The wrong husband can make your life miserable and so can the wrong friend.

I have let friends go over the years for different reasons. A past friend from my thirties proved unreliable and a bit selfish. She would make plans with me and then cancel when something else came up. I stopped spending time with another friend because our common interests changed. When our friendship began, we were both single. When I got engaged, she did things to sabotage my new relationship. I guess my engagement put a damper on her social life.

I have a list of things I expect from a friend, and everything I expect is also something I'm willing to give myself. I want a friend who gets into my soul, someone I can be transparent with because she knows me well and I trust her. She has to be honest and dependable. She listens intently and speaks the truth in love. I want a friend who takes an interest in my life and what's important to me. She doesn't compete with me, but encourages me to be fabulous. She's there when I accomplish something and she's there when I fall on my face.

I do have some great friends in my life, but I'm not as close to them as I'd like to be. My friends who are geographically close seem distant in other ways because their lives are so busy. And my friend Debbie lives far from me, but she is the one person I can talk to about anything. I first connected with Debbie in eighth grade, when we talked about trying out for the Upper Dauphin bandfront. She quickly became my best friend in high school, but we lost touch after graduation. Several years ago we reconnected.

 

Spending time with her again makes me realize why I liked her so much in high school. She's easy to be with. She's not overly-sensitive or insecure, so I don't have to watch what I say around her. If we have a misunderstanding, she forgives me. I love her sense of humor. We laugh about the same things. She's a caring, thoughtful person. We enjoy each other's company. 

Of all the friends I've had, Debbie has been my very best friend. Maintaining a friendship with someone far away is challenging. We have a great time when we're together, but then there's that long empty span between visits. I guess I miss the friendship we had in high school when I saw her almost every day. 

Debbie came into my life like an unexpected gift, but I had to look for most of my other friends. More than ten years ago, when I was pulled out of the workplace by health problems, I felt isolated. Every one around me seemed to have people close by on whom they could rely, but my life felt empty. I needed a support system, so I started a friendship group and invited five women to be a part of it. 

We called it girls night. Once a month the five of us took turns making dinner at our homes. We would catch up on all that happened since we last saw each other. We shared our struggles and our triumphs. We laughed, we cried, and before we said goodbye we got a date on the calendar for our next gathering. My friends repeatedly thanked me for inviting them into the group. If I hadn't reached out to them, we would have missed out on all those wonderful nights of encouraging each other and having someone to listen. 

But every time I drove home from one of those gatherings, I longed for a deeper connection with those women. Meeting once a month isn't my idea of a close friendship. I have tried to get closer to some of the gals, but their busy lives won't allow it. If my friends read this, I hope they'll feel complimented by my desire for closer friendships. 

Woman are busy today. Some of them appear to be loners who only have time for personal achievement and self-fulfillment. They don't seem open to a new friendship. Some women I meet are too distracted by their own lives to care about mine. And at times I find women to be moody. One day they convey a warmth and openness, but on another day, they're cold and aloof. I avoid moody people because it's just too stressful to endure their up and down emotions. 

A woman who consistently tells me by her attitude and words that she's glad I'm there is someone I want to know better. But women who always display warmth and friendliness are rare. How do I find friends when at almost every female gathering, women are either flaunting their accomplishments or their cleavage. So many women always have something to prove. Our culture encourages female competition and too many women are happy to comply.  

No one wants to discuss the battles that go on among women. We like to be positive and think that we can all get along, but I've seen too many examples of women who would rather tear each other down than build each other up. With roving eyes, women search for flaws in other women to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. Generations ago, women supported one another, but today that support is hard to find.

I recall a party I attended one summer. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. One particular career woman in the group spent an entire hour coaching me on ways that I could improve my life. She just couldn't fathom that I was happy without a career. How could being a wife, mother and homemaker possibly fulfill me? So she bombarded me with suggestions for my finding more meaningful activities. She literally gave me a headache. 

Sometimes when I talk to a woman, it's like talking to a machine. There's no compassion and no understanding because she's not really listening. She seems only to care about getting her own point across, so she talks over me and doesn't hear my response. I want a friend who listens and truly cares.

I recall being approached by a woman who wanted me to volunteer for an activity in which my daughter was involved. As we talked, I felt like I was in front of a bulldozer and about to be flattened. She didn't let me finish my thoughts. She made light of my reasons why I couldn't volunteer. And when the conversation was over, she didn't accept my “no.” She insisted that I think about it. 

I looked at her questioningly and wanted to ask, “Did you hear anything that I just said?” I felt irritated after that conversation because she didn't validate my very good reason why I couldn't volunteer. What I heard from her is that we all have problems and I should just press on and accept the task. No listening, no compassion and no one I would ever consider a friend.

I can't be a friend to someone who doesn't listen because nothing makes me feel less important than not being heard. If she interrupts me to recount her problems while I'm telling her mine, then she's not concerned about me. If she's checking her phone while I'm talking or if her body language and facial expressions show no interest, then I know she's not really there. And I don't want to be there either.

I don't want a friend who agrees with me on everything. She should have her own opinion. And sometimes that opinion might be about me. I always appreciate when a friend speaks the truth in love. A true friend sharpens me. She points out where I might be wrong and leads me in a better direction. She doesn't do this in a competitive “I'm smarter than you” way, but she does it lovingly.

My friend Margene is good at this. I love our conversations because I walk away knowing myself better. Through her eyes, I see my weaknesses, my strengths and how I appear to others. She tells me when I'm headed toward disaster and when I'm on the right track. A friend who speaks the truth in love is a treasure because she  keeps me out of trouble. Her advice can save me from embarrassment and regret. 

It's foolish to believe that a true friend would never clash with me. A true friend is protective and she helps me to grow and learn. Sometimes that means lovingly correcting me when I'm wrong. If I knew a friend was about to do something really stupid or physically harmful, I wouldn't wait for her to ask for my advice. I would quickly and lovingly point out the harm she's headed toward. We don't have to agree with people to love them. 

I want a friend that I can be myself with. When I don't feel criticized, rejected or misunderstood, the conversation is completely stress-free. That sense of relaxation and comfort is what I long for. I can't relax when I find myself holding back or not revealing what I really want to say. One of the greatest freedoms in life is the freedom to be transparent. Being able to express my true thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or judgment is a wonderful thing and I want it. 

A lack of trust is what holds me back. I cant share the details of my life with someone I don't trust. My personal information could easily become entertainment at a gossip fest. I want a friend who can keep a secret and a lunch date.  A true friend earns my trust through consistent displays of loyalty over time. Trust is the foundation of friendship. Without it, the relationship offers no comfort and no reason to grow. 

One way that I build trust with people is by being there for them and taking notice of them. I always felt it was important to support my family's accomplishments. I was there when my younger brother graduated from high school and when my older brother graduated from technical school. And when my sister accomplished something artistically, I was either there to see it or I congratulated her later. 

Because friends are the family that I choose, I should offer them the same loyalty. I should notice and speak of their accomplishments. This lets them know that  I care about their lives, their dreams, and their goals. I want a friend who does that for me too. She makes me feel appreciated by taking an interest in my life.

When I was younger and less discerning, I had a friend who was always dragging me down and holding me back? She didn't want me to change, grow or evolve. Maybe she felt threatened by my success because it made her feel like a failure. Or maybe she worried that she might get left behind. So instead of encouraging me, she would point out reasons why I shouldn't.

I want a friend who supports where I'm going and who I'm becoming. My friend, Tam, noticed when I had my first commentary published in our local newspaper. She called me to congratulate me. It meant a lot because the only other person who mentioned it was a stranger who happened to read the piece. 

Encouragement motivates me. I need to surround myself with positive people because I'm easily discouraged but I'm not easily motivated. I have to force myself to get things done. So it's nice to have someone in my corner who's cheering me on. But only a woman who is at peace with herself has the confidence to encourage other women. 

I've been on this earth for almost sixty years, so my observations deserve some merit. I've watched women from a distance and I've seen them up close. The one question I want to ask more than any other is this: Why do women have such a hard time loving and supporting one another? We have the same struggles but we aren't always on the same team and we are reluctant to help one another.

No greater love exists than to lay down your life to help someone. I want a friend I can turn to when I'm facing a difficult challenge. I recently read a great example of a friend who laid down her life. My Journey With Farrah: A Story of Life, Love and Friendship by Alana Stewart tells the story of a thirty-year friendship. For three of those years, Alana put her life on hold to be with her friend, Farrah, as she battled cancer. 

“My life took a back seat to Farrah's battle with cancer,” Alana wrote. “I would drop everything. Leave my family and my dogs and my home, and hop on a plane at a moment's notice if she needed me.”

Farrah and Alana made many trips to Germany in search of treatments and a cure. She rationalized leaving her family because Farrah was also her family and she was fighting for her life. Alana didn't see  her decision as a sacrifice. She saw it as simply being there for her friend. 

“When you unselfishly do something for someone else, when you get beyond yourself, out of your head, and out of your own way, God solves your problems for you, “ Alana wrote. 

I want a friend who isn't selfish but has a willingness to sacrifice and serve others. I would sacrifice my own comfort to nurture a worthy friendship, but I don't have many friends who would drop everything to help me. That kind of friendship is rare.  

By now you're probably thinking that I'm pretty demanding when it comes to friendship. Maybe you're wondering if my expectations are even attainable in today's busy world. How many women have even one friend with the qualities I described? I guess the reason why my expectations are so high is because I have experienced the kind of friendship that I'm talking about. And once you've had that, anything less just leaves you wanting more.