A CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

My daughter's 13th Birthday Party taken by the lake at Camp Hebron

                                                                                       


A CIRCLE OF FRIENDS


 For 10 years it was on my mind.  A magazine article that was about me in so many ways.  I don't normally buy fitness magazines, but this issue of Shape had Oprah on the cover, looking lean in pink workout gear.  I wanted to know how she lost all that weight, so I bought the December '96 issue.

But the inspiring story inside wasn't about fitness, it was about friendship.  The article was titled, "A Circle of Friends."  It described the life of Linda Torres, a Chicago paralegal who admitted feeling lonely and different because everyone else seemed to have people close by on whom they could rely.  Her life felt empty because she didn't have family, friends, and neighbors who were an integral part of her life.


"Though she feels isolated, Linda ironically is hardly alone," the article stated.  "Right now there are hundreds of thousands of young women in America just like her, and with our continued gravitation toward solitary activities, there are likely to be many many more."


I read that article with enthusiasm, agreeing with the author and praising her insight.  We are spending record amounts of time pursuing privatized forms of leisure, such as watching TV, internet-surfing, and listening to music on headsets.  Americans have become a nation of loners and ten years ago, I was one of them.


Like Linda, I felt isolated and I had felt that way for years.  My neighbors were strangers and I lost touch with the few people I had considered friends.  When I read the local newspaper, I was reminded of all the community activities that went on without me.  I needed to make a change.  I needed a support system, a sense of community that would make me feel like a participant in life instead of someone sitting on the sidelines.


My lack of social contacts could be why I was feeling depressed.  According to the article in Shape, studies have shown depression to be less prevalent in women who maintain many close friendships.  "There's evidence that membership in a community increases life expectancy and that it increases healing," the author claimed.  My isolated life could be affecting both my mental and physical health.  After carrying that magazine article in my head for 10 years, it was time to take action.


So I made a list of women who I considered to be worthy friends.  They had to be kind, unselfish, and real.  Not like the false friends of my youth who only served as pals to hang out with.  They had to be caring and trustworthy because I knew we'd be sharing personal struggles.  I needed to find a group of women who would encourage me and have genuine concern for my well-being, "a support system of people who help take the damaging edge off the troubles and tensions of life," as the article suggested.


After several hours of pondering, I came up with five names.  My circle of friends would be half a dozen, including me...that is, if they agreed to accept my invitation.  I felt nervous about sending those invites.  They laid on my kitchen counter for days.  The five cards read, "You are invited to a Circle of Friends dinner."  I worried that my guests would reject this odd offering.  Would they think I'm nuts?  


A week after sending the cards, I received my first acceptance, and then another.  I was feeling encouraged.  I had taken a leap of faith and within two weeks, all five of my friends had accepted my invitation.  But they didn't know I wanted our gathering to become a monthly habit.


When that November night finally arrived, it went better than expected.  I felt relaxed.  I was among a gracious group of women.  We ate homemade pizza and chatted about our jobs, our kids, and our plans for Christmas.  After dessert, when the conversation was winding down, I worked up the nerve to ask them.


First I shared the magazine article that inspired our meeting.  I told them that I had first read "A Circle of Friends" 10 years ago and couldn't forget it because I could so much relate to this lonely woman Linda Torres.  But I didn't want to be like her anymore.  So I laid my heart open and asked.  "I want you to be my circle of friends," I said.


They were touched by my request.  I could see it in their eyes.  Several women admitted to feeling isolated too.  One said that she spends most of her time at home and co-workers weren't a big part of her life.  I didn't have to persuade them to make our gatherings a regular event.  We planned our next meeting that night and agreed to take turns being the hostess.  One woman enthusiastically volunteered to have our December dinner at her house.


Then, before they left, I had one more thing to share.  One by one I told each friend why I had chosen her to be part of the group.  I said things like, "You're honest about your life and you don't pretend to be perfect; You admit when you feel like a mess; You have a great sense of humor and a strength I admire; You're dependable and you keep your word; and You have an endearing kindness about you."


It's been five years since that first Circle of Friends dinner I was so nervous about planning.   Next week we will celebrate exactly five years since that November night when we agreed to meet each month.  My friends are still thanking me for starting the group and inviting them to be part of it.  One of our most enjoyable nights was when we played Hi/Low.  Each of us shared the high and low moments of the past month.  We learned a lot about each other that night and we laughed like never before.  I was still laughing as I drove home.  


My circle of friends have become a comforting part of my life.  They are my soft place to fall once a month.  I have a group of friends who accept me unconditionally and that boosts my self-esteem.  I no longer feel disconnected from the world and that feeling has prompted me to get involved in other activities and meet more people.  My life finally feels rich and full.  


I guess the lesson in all of this is threefold:  When we take a leap of faith, surprising, wonderful things can happen; Women need friends because they encourage us; and When we read something that inspires us, we shouldn't wait ten years to take action.