THE HARDEST TWO WORDS

                                                                                

Living with siblings is good training for learning to apologize. I wasn't great at it back then (about 1977)

By Danelle Carvell

When was the last time you said, "I'm sorry"? Most of us know instantly when we say or do something hurtful. The negative reaction we get is usually the best indicator. But knowing that we hurt someone doesn't always prompt us to make things right. 

I have been on both the receiving end of an apology and on the giving end. And I know without a doubt that there is no better way to make yourself feel better than to offer an apology, and there is no better way to make others feel better than to offer an apology. It is a powerful act of love that takes a great deal of strength, courage and humility. 

Only someone with a strong self-esteem and a conscientious, caring heart is capable of admitting a wrong. It is so much easier to deny a hurtful comment or make excuses. It's more comfortable to laugh it off or say, "I was just joking." Sometimes the offender will blame the person who is feeling hurt. "You're too sensitive," is a common come back. Anything we can do to take the blame off of ourselves after behaving badly is the easy way out and most people go that route. 

And that refusal to apologize can cause a hurt to fester, sometimes to the point of destroying a relationship or changing it forever. Things may never be the same because one person can't admit messing up. 

Why is it so difficult to apologize? I googled that question and after reading several articles on the subject I learned something interesting. I wanted to put it into my own words instead of quoting a bunch of articles. 

The one thing that was mentioned over and over again about why people find it so hard to apologize is the emotional and mental strength of the offender. Someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy knows that apologizing will not destroy them. But for the person who is unstable in those areas, admitting a wrong is devastating to their self-esteem. Saying I'm sorry is not something they are capable of because they already have such a low opinion of themselves. They simply can't fess up to their mistakes because it would totally destroy their already fragile sense-of-self. 

Wow! What a revelation it was to learn that. While we may be upset with someone who refuses to apologize, understanding why they find it so difficult is an eye-opener. And it can be helpful toward our ability to move on and move past the hurt. 

I think the world is filled with billions of apologies that are owed to people. But most of those apologies will never reach the ears of those who need to hear them. And the healing that those apologies would bring will never be felt.

I know one thing...I want to be strong enough to apologize right here and right now so I never have to feel nagging regrets about hurting people in this life or the next. To me, an apology is one of the most freeing and loving things I could possibly do. It feels just as good to me as it does to the person I hurt, and I'm grateful that I have the strength for it. I wish everyone had that strength. Apologies are beautiful to watch and the healing they induce are even more beautiful. God loves a cheerful apologizer.