By Danelle Carvell
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| We are living in challenging times that are destroying relationships. |
I have days when I feel consumed with troubling thoughts. The same concerns play over and over in my head until I want to take my head off and give myself a break. The real solution to this problem is not taking my head off, but taking my concerns to God in prayer.
My latest book purchase has been such a blessing to me. I haven't seen anything like it when it comes to prayer books because of the way it is organized according to specific life problems. Today I was drawn to the chapter on relational conflicts. And after saying the prayers, I'm feeling that peace the Bible talks about that awaits those who seek God and spend time in prayer.
I know that many people right now are having conflicts within their relationships. Life is difficult because of financial pressures and the chaotic things that are happening in our world. Feeling optimistic about the future is challenging when so many things appear to be hopeless. And this tension causes our relationships to suffer.
But God is the only one who can change people, and this has been a hard lesson for me to learn lately. I can voice my opinion when I sense problems among people, but those problems cannot be resolved by my words. Prayer is the only thing that will bring resolution and restored relationships.
The first thing I need when a problem arises is the ability to judge that problem correctly. A good starter prayer when you begin to sense a relational conflict is this:
"Help me to see beyond appearances, Lord. Stop me when I start presuming to understand when there may be things I don't see or comprehend. Give me a heart of wisdom to respond rightly and assume the best and not the worst."
The above prayer is on page 143 of Wanda Alger's book, and every prayer I put in quotation marks is also from her book. A clear and true perspective of the problem is important so we know how to pray about it and so we don't falsely assume and wrongly accuse. We should also ask the Lord to expose sins or strongholds in our own life that is blinding us to the truth.
A second thing you should consider when a conflict arises is any part you might have played in the problem. Sometimes fights and quarrels with people are the result of our own desires that battle within ourselves. We are warned of this in James 4:1
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?"
And sometimes you might take things the wrong way and harbor offense about an insult that wasn't intended as such. In order to have a clear conscience and cleanse your heart and mind, you should pray for a renewed desire to walk in purity of heart and integrity towards others:
"Holy Spirit, show me if there is anything in my own heart that is causing offense or bitterness... I repent of any jealousy and covetousness that is stirring up my frustration...I choose to walk in the spirit and not according to my flesh."
Once you have reached the point where you know the problem is exactly as it appears and it has not been caused by anything within yourself, then you are free to express your concerns. But even here you need to be very careful, because this is where most people really mess up in my opinion. This is where I mess up myself.
When someone pushes my buttons, my first instinct is not to offer a soft, gentle answer as I smile and graciously suggest a peaceful resolution. I don't know anyone who does that, but that is what I should strive for:
"Give me the right words to say to diffuse any anger and hostility in this conflict. May we seek peace in resolving the issues and relate in a way that invites your presence and power, bringing us through in unity."
When we feel attacked, words like patience, kindness and self-control are far from our minds. We want to prove our point and defend ourselves. We want to list the wrongs that were done to us and tell all our friends about it. We don't want to respect the thoughts and ideas of our offenders, and we don't care about their perspective on what happened.
Proverbs 16:7 says, When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone's ways, He causes their enemies to make peace with them.
I should strive to respond to conflict in a way that is pleasing to God, so that even those who oppose me will desire peace. God understands righteous anger. Even Jesus displayed anger. But we can't stay angry. And we have to be good listeners, willing to hear the other side before interrupting them and shutting them down.
If ever there is a time for unconditional love, it is when you are at the receiving end of being torn apart by people:
"Keep me close to your heart so that I will act with love, compassion and forbearance. Especially for those who attack me, may your favor and blessing rest upon me with such power and protection, it stops the attacks and dissolves the conflict altogether."
So after we have expressed our hurts and patiently listened to the offender's side of the conflict, what is the next step? This is where we need to maintain the right attitude because conflicts can take time to be resolved and sometimes they are not resolved. We must walk through the conflict with a right heart and a right spirit toward those we disagreed with.
Ephesians 4:31 is a good scripture to focus on, and the prayer in Alger's book is this:
Lord, forgive me for any bitterness or anger against my brother or sister. I choose to forgive them for any offense and release them to you. I know you will honor my obedience and intervene on my behalf. Show me how to move forward with kindness and compassion so that you can resolve our conflicts in a godly way."
Sometimes we want to prove our point and defend our case more than we want to bring resolution. "We should strive to respond to conflict in a way that closes the door to the enemy and opens the way for God to bring clarity out of the chaos," Alger said. And sometimes the best way to do that is to walk away:
"Show me if and when it is time to walk away from a disagreement in order to maintain peace."
For those who feel the need to seek advice about relational conflicts as they are waiting for a resolution, the Bible offers much wisdom. We can share our disputes with others if those people love the Lord:
"Father, help me to take my issues with another brother or sister to proper spiritual insight. I desire to seek your counsel and the wisdom from fellow believers first and foremost. Guide my pastors and church leaders in helping me resolve the issues so we can invite the power of your spirit to bring peace and unity."
We cannot be totally clean before God if we are in conflict with someone else. We should pray for a heart that seeks peace more than retribution. We should pray for help in going directly to those who have hurt us when that is possible. And we should pray that everyone involved will have a heart of compassion towards one another and pursue peace and restoration for the sake of all.
I find myself lately needing to clean up my act and get closer to God, and it's hard for me to remember that I can't force others to do the same. I need to refrain from lecturing and let God work on them. But I know there are times when God chooses to speak through me in order to guide others in His direction. I can only pray for the wisdom to discern when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak.
Only God can change a heart. And that is why we pray for changed hearts and restored relationships. And as we are obedient, He is faithful to exalt us.
"Lord, Remind me that my prayers will be hindered if my heart harbors resentment or unforgiveness towards another...Remind me of the blessings that come from resolving conflicts your way."
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