FORGIVENESS AND TRUST: TWO DIFFERENT THINGS

 

By Danelle Carvell

                                            

Trust and forgiveness are important in our relationships. But confusing their meanings puts unhealthy expectations on people.

People often get confused about the meaning of words. I do it myself. And then I go to my big red dictionary and figure it out. An example of this is how people think that forgiveness and trust have the same meaning. 

I've learned a thing or two about forgiveness, and I've learned a lot about trust. According to the Bible, forgiveness is mandatory, but trust is not. Forgiveness should be generously extended to everyone, but trust is something we can keep on reserve. It's something that not everyone deserves. And we should be very careful about trusting people.  

When I forgive someone, that doesn't mean I automatically trust that person. Trust is something that must be earned over time. I can forgive someone without a reconciliation, because forgiveness does not require inviting that person back into my life. Forgiveness is an act of my will that releases the offender from my resentment for their words or actions. 

It's actually me that benefits most when I forgive because it releases me from thinking about it and replaying the situation over and over. When I forgive, I have more peace and my emotions can become calm again. I don't have to make myself sick thinking about the hurtful thing that was done to me. It's been forgiven. 

This does not mean that I now pretend that I wasn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I condone what took place. It doesn't mean that I relieve people of responsibility for their actions. And it doesn't mean that I must welcome them back into my life and force myself to trust again.

Trust requires wisdom. And only the person who was offended can decide if and when they want to trust again. We should never put an unhealthy expectation on someone who is having trust issues. When you hurt someone, you can't expect everything to go back the way it was in an instant. 

If the offender refuses to recognize that what took place was wrong, and they refuse to admit it was wrong, then wouldn't I be foolish to hand my trust back over to them?  When someone makes excuses for their actions or lies to get themselves off the hook, what is trustworthy about that? 

Forgiveness is something that we should always do. The Bible says that if we don't forgive others, then God will not forgive us of our mistakes. Lord knows I've made my share of mistakes. 

But trust has a completely different meaning. Trust is not something that God commands us to do.  I do have to forgive people who hurt me, but I do not have to trust them. 

So if you are dealing with a situation that hurt you deeply, pray for guidance and direction in how to handle it. And remember that sometimes we must forgive even when we don't feel like it. Forgiveness is not a feeling that comes over you and suddenly you feel the desire to forgive. I've often extended forgiveness when it was the last thing I felt like doing. 

Forgiveness is on God's terms. But trust is on my terms... I decide who and I decide when. And the Bible offers much wisdom to help me decide.