By Danelle Carvell
As women, we all lack confidence about something. It could be a bothersome physical flaw or something we wish we could do better. The things we are most insecure about are the things we are most sensitive about. And if someone mentions that sore spot, look out.
Our failures, inadequacies and insecurities often cause the most torment in our lives and in our relationships. The feeling that we don’t measure up can consume many areas of our lives. We can feel like a financial failure or an academic failure. We can feel bad about our parenting skills, our housekeeping, our bad decisions, our weight, our physical flaws and even our personality traits. The list is endless.
But wouldn’t it be freeing if we could comfortably reveal the brokenness in our lives instead of hiding it and being tormented by it? Not one of us has it all together. We are all broken in different ways. When I mess up, I want my foolish mistake to manifest into something beautiful. That won’t happen unless I admit my failure so it can either spark forgiveness or become a valuable lesson for others.
As a writer, it’s not easy to share personal things that most people keep hidden. That straight-from-the-heart writing that is so powerful requires complete honesty. But sharing the messy part of my life-- the things I dislike about myself, the struggles I face, and the failures I’ve had--is where my power lies to inspire others and to strengthen myself. The first step toward self improvement is admitting what needs fixing.
Letting others see who you are and how you think takes courage. But many women are reluctant to share their true selves and what they think, fear or worry about. They keep their thought life a secret and their insecurities hidden. Everything that troubles their minds stays within and it’s a lonely place to be.
Do we fear being seen as broken and imperfect? In a world that idolizes strong, beautiful women, do we fear that we don’t measure up? Is that why women pretend to have it all together and get defensive when someone reveals a weakness they need to work on?
What someone might gain by reading my truth is far more important than any embarrassment I feel when revealing my messy life. But I needed to reach a certain level of experience and maturity before I could be that brave. Hiding my flaws, refusing to admit my mistakes and blaming others was the norm when I was younger. But there’s no beauty in that and there’s no learning from it.
The key to breaking free of the phony me and becoming the real me was getting closer to God. When you carry around a false persona of perfection, you are more invested in the world than you should be. You are falling for the lies of our culture that tell women what they should be. Those lies keep women in constant competition and hating one another. God knows every single flaw and weakness you agonize over and He adores you anyway.
When we learn to love ourselves as God loves us, we stop feeling insecure and inadequate. We forgive ourselves when we fail because God forgives us. We are quick to admit our mistakes instead of making excuses for them. And asking for forgiveness from those we hurt is much easier because He gives us the strength to do that.
When women finally learn this important truth: how God sees us matters more than how the world sees us, then we can stop exhausting ourselves trying to prove how right we are, how capable, strong and fearless we are. Our relationships improve and our lives become more peaceful because we can rest in His unconditional love.
It’s easy to spot a phony when you’ve been one yourself. She’s the girl who can’t relax. Maybe she needs constant attention or she’s always creating drama or talking sassy. She has no peace because she can’t see the blessings in her life. Her focus is on what she doesn’t have, and that steals her joy and contentment. Her self-worth lies in her accomplishments so she talks about them often. She needs to control others and she’s relentless at it. That was me back in my insecure days. That was me needing Jesus. With Him, I have a reason to be real and the strength to pull it off.
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