LETTERS HAVE LIFE AND POWER

 

            By Danelle Carvell                                                                        

Even one sentence can bring a little life to your day. 

I have a shoe box under my bed filled with letters from childhood friends, family members, and even people who came into my life for a brief moment and then I never heard from them again. I recently came across a letter with a postmark from 1981. It was from a young man I met while attending beauty school. His sister, Margie, was my favorite classmate at Empire Beauty School in Sunbury. The three of us went to lunch one day and I got to know John during a 25-minute converstaion before Margie and I had to head back to class.  

John was in the Navy and stationed in San Diego. He was home visiting family when we met. His letter mentioned that he joined the Navy to see the world and seek adventure. But in the next sentence he admitted that he gets depressed at times because he's constantly on the move so he can't establish any long-term relationships. He also admitted missing his family and friends. I could feel his sense of loneliness as I read his words. For him, writing to me was a way to ease that loneliness, even though we barely knew each other. 

Writing can be very therapeutic. Maybe that's why God gave me this particular talent. I need a way to clear my head... a way to decompress when I'm hurt, disappointed or frustrated. There's something about writing down my feelings that makes me feel better and a little lighter afterwards. A letter can ease our loneliness, help people to understand us better, and get our concerns across when we need to be heard.

I know someone who recently went through a painful break-up. He had a lot of regrets afterward and he needed to tell the girl why he had been so cautious about their relationship. So he wrote her a letter, took a photo of it and sent it to her. The letter didn't fix things between them, but it did get across to her and she is now better able to understand the reasons behind his guarded heart. And he feels a little less troubled by the whole thing. That simple act of putting a pen to paper brought some comfort to both of them.  

I was impressed by his willingness to communicate his feelings. From my experience, most men are not good communicators and I don't see many of them writing heart-felt letters. Communication can be just as difficult for women. So many people keep their feelings bottled up because it's just too hard to say it or get the person to really listen. So we stay quiet and nothing gets resolved. When problems aren't resolved, you can't really let go of them. They haunt you, and the chances are good that those issues will resurface and cause tension in the future. 

Sometimes people are difficult to talk to. Maybe they snap at you while trying to explain yourself, so you can't get your point across. Or maybe they are too hostile to be approachable for a face-to-face conversation. Or sometimes the person can't  admit any wrongdoing, so they refuse to discuss the matter. In situations like that, a letter is the perfect way to communicate because you can express your feelings without interruption and without the possibility of rejection. I have written letters for all of those reasons.  

One thing I have learned about writing letters while I'm upset is that I have to be careful how I word things. I have regrets about letters I've written in the past because they were accusatory and written in an attacking tone. It's easy to fire back when you're feeling beat-up and burned. But I've learned that the best response always comes from someone who does not feel attacked by my words. 

The goal in writing a letter has to be understanding why you are hurt by their words or actions. If your goal is to pound them with accusations, you are just wasting ink. What I do is remind the person exactly what was said or done that hurt me. And then I explain how it made me feel. I keep the focus on my feelings, so the letter doesn't become a total smear assault on someone's character. That only causes the person to get defensive. 

If we want good relationships, we have to communicate. Face-to-face conversation is the ideal way to do that because we can see facial expressions, body language and hear their tone of voice. All of those things are conducive to a better understanding of how a person feels. But sometimes, there are reasons why we can't talk face-to-face. In John's case, his reason was distance. He lived a lonely life and his circumstances made it difficult for him to sit down and talk to a girl. Writing to me brought him some comfort in his lonely world. 

We also can create a lonely world, even when we have people close by. Without communication, a relationship has no life. The Bible says that words have life and power. And sometimes the power to bring comfort to yourself is just one letter away. And the answer to bringing life to a relationship is as close to you as a pen.