By Danelle Carvell
After 60 years of observing mothers and 34 years of being one myself, I have learned a few things about motherhood. Happy Mothers Day to moms everywhere. Don't forget yours this Sunday.
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| One of the things I love most about my children is their humor. This is what happens when I request a family photo. That's me in the back waiting and making comments. I did get my photo, and it's now my favorite. |
Celebrate, praise and talk about your child's success and accomplishments.
Children need to feel valued and appreciated. That is something we all need actually. Saying, "I'm proud of you" is music to a child's ears. My heart aches for children who receive nothing but put-downs and criticism from their parents. That will scar a child for life.
Sometimes an unhealthy competition develops, especially between mothers and daughters or mothers and daughters-in-law. This could stem from insecurity, which causes envy. That is another reason to build up your children and instill in them a sense of confidence. Encourage them to believe in themselves and their abilities so they never feel threatened by someone who does something better than they do or by someone who has something they don't have.
Being happy for a child's success will teach them to be happy for the success of others, which is very important as they develop and maintain friendships. I see encouragement as one of my most important jobs as a mom. I haven't been perfect at it, but I do know how very important it is to cheer my children on as they navigate the challenges of life, and that shouldn't stop when they become adults.
Don't be a controlling Mother
I've read many articles about what happens to children of controlling mothers. Those children end up feeling inadequate because they had mothers who stepped in to do everything for them. The child of a controlling mother will feel that she can't be trusted to exercise good judgement or do anything right. Without her mother's guidance she fears that she will fail. A child must be allowed to try things on her own so she can develop confidence in herself.
I watched a mother literally pull something out of her child's hands and begin to work on the project herself. Big mistake. Let children make decisions and complete projects the way they want to do it. Let them pick out their own clothes and decorate their rooms as they wish. You want them to be independent some day, so let them get some practice in. So what if they make mistakes or it's not done perfectly. They will never believe in their ability to fly if you carry them through every challenge.
Tell your children when you are struggling with any problem that could affect them.
This is a tough one. We don't want to burden young children with our adult problems. But we don't want them to feel that we don't care about them either. For example, if a mother is struggling with a health problem, the chances are good that the child will eventually be affected by that. The mother may not feel well enought to give that child the time and attention that she once did, which will leave the child confused.
As a mother explains to her child the problem that she's dealing with, she must choose her words carefully, depending on the child's age. But saying nothing will only worsen the situation. Communication is always important. But so many of us are not good at it. Some things are difficult to bring up and even harder to discuss. But force yourself to do it, because eventually the child will start asking questions and by then that child might be so filled with resentment that you will wish you had explained yourself sooner.
Know that we live in a culture that sets up mother/daughter relationships for failure.
For most of my childhood, my mom was at home. My husband had the same kind of childhood. His mom started working outside the home when he was in his early teens. We both saw the value of having a mother at home, so we made the decision to be a one-income family for several years when my daughter was young.
We live in a society that is very hard on women. They are expected to be breadwinners, good housekeepers and attentive mothers to their children. It is an exhausting role for one person to manage. Women are far more scrutinized in our society than men, and much of that criticism comes from other women. There is an intense pressure on women today and that society-wide dynamic is very much contributing to relationship conflicts.
I come from a generation that accepted mothers being at home. My daughter comes from a generation that makes stay-at-home moms feel worthless and lazy. In today's culture, women are praised for what they can accomplish and earn. Focusing on her family is not seen as an acceptable way for a woman to live today.
My daughter and I grew up in different cultural environments with women playing very different accepted roles. How my generation viewed women and their roles is strikingly different than the way her generation accepts the roles of women. This difference between us could easily contribute to conflicts in our relationship. My life values and the things that I believe in could easily conflict with hers because we grew up in different cultures. The culture women grow up in will very much shape the way they see themselves, the way they see other women and the way they communicate.
As our cultural values clash, women can easily become critical of one another's lives. I think this happens often, not just between mothers and daughters, but among women in general. I guess the key to avoiding it is to be aware of this potential conflict and to be supportive of one another's decisions and struggles, and to applaud one another's accomplishments. "Women are their own worst enemies," is one of my husband's favorite sayings. He notices that a group of men almost always get along better than any group of women. Women feel the need to criticize and outshine one another and men just want to get together to talk, burp, fart and drink beer (his words).
Life is not a competition, but unwise women often make it one. I am always happy for my daughter's success. I don't understand how any mother could be jealous of her own daughter for any reason. But it does happen, and the expectations and pressure our society puts on women plays a big part in that. My greatest responsibility as a mother is to love and protect my children. If I keep that in mind in every circumstance, there will be no room for cultural conflicts or any other petty problem.
Being a mother is harder today than it was for my mother.
This is strictly my opinion, but I see a big difference in the way children relate to their parents. When I was a kid, I wouldn't have dared to talk back to my mom or dad. I respected them as authority figures and I did what they asked without question. I didn't argue because that wasn't acceptable. But today, our culture accepts kids being disrespectful and arguing with parents. TV and movies portray disrespectful children as humorous. We laugh at them, and seeing that over and over has made it acceptable.
I recall no parent/child verbal battles in my childhood home. My siblings and I engaged in verbal battles, but my parents never dealt with stress from the mouths of their children. My dad would unbuckle his belt if we misbehaved and many times that is all he had to do. The shenanigans immediately stopped. My mom endured the stress of our childish actions, but she did not endure the stress of argumentative words coming from her children.
Compared to the obedient way I responded to my mom as a child, my own children have verbally challenged my discipline and opinions. I blame this on the culture they grew up in. I used to think a child's behavior can always be blamed on poor parenting. But sometimes it is the result of a changed society and the strong influence of what children see as acceptable behavior in the outside world.
Children make mistakes because they are learning and growing and finding their way in a chaotic world. Mothers must also learn as they go. We have no handbook to follow, only our instincts and what we learned from our own parents. We do the best we can. We must become good at both forgiving and apologizing because the hurt can go both ways.
Despite all of its challenges, the role of mother has been my favorite role of a lifetime. It's the role I'm most proud of and the role that has brought me the most joy. I have amazing children. I can't imagine not being a mom.
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