By Danelle Carvell
Don't you hate it when you bring groceries home and all family members swarm into the kitchen like vultures to check out the bounty? First my husband tells me I bought the wrong brand of Rock Salt for the driveway. Then my daughter asks, "Where's the food?" She couldn't tell me exactly what it was I forgot to buy, but she wasn't happy with the selection. Even the dog was sniffing the bags. This is what I came home to last night at about 8:30. I had left the house at 4:00 with a pizza in the oven and warm toppings on the stove. And now, with a splitting headache, and before I began putting groceries away, I had to first put away the leftover pizza and toppings which had been sitting on the stove for four hours.
It took less than a minute to put the leftovers in the refrigerator, and I couldn't help but ask my husband why he couldn't put dinner away instead of letting it sit on the stove for four hours. His comeback was, "For the same reason you didn't take care of the ice on the driveway while I was at work." This just made me more agitated. I didn't see any similarities between food going to waste and the icy driveway, especially when the first thing he said when he walked in the door was, "I thought the sun would have melted it." Now all of a sudden it's my fault. He was better off blaming the sun.
All this got me thinking about the roles of men and women and what exactly are we responsible for at home? I grew up thinking that the outside work was a man's responsibility. I never saw my mother mowing grass or shoveling driveways. Her work was inside the home. This same role system worked for me in my first marriage. My ex-husband never asked me to shovel the driveway or do any outside work. So it felt a bit strange for me to be expected to de-ice the driveway.
I pondered this whole thing for a while, wondering if my husband was right about the driveway or if he was just trying to justify his own lax by pointing out the things I overlook. I found my answer in Proverbs 31, which describes some of the things a virtuous woman does around the home. When I got to the part about her planting a vineyard, I realized that a woman's work isn't limited to inside the walls of her home. But I had to keep in mind that the woman described in Proverbs wasn't employed by anyone else. She didn't go outside the area of her home to work. Today, women are driving to work and putting in forty hours a week, then coming home to even more work with laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. Are women really expected to take care of the driveway and the lawn on top of all that? Why do men get to relax when they get home from work, while women get home from work and their work day is only half finished?
If I'm going to take the time to de-ice the driveway, it would mean that some other chores would have to be put on hold. As long as that was understood, I wouldn't mind tackling outside work. I think it all comes down to helping each other and respecting the fact that sometimes we just can't get all the work done in one day. There will be visible dust on the dressers at times and dishes in the sink. And anyone who wants to complain about that should perhaps roll up their sleeves and get busy.
Every couple, before they consider marriage, should sit down and agree on what their roles in that marriage will be. Who will write out the checks and pay the bills? Who will take out the trash? Who will take care of the lawn? But we also need to be flexible in our roles so that we can help each other. There's no reason why I should come home at 8:30 to a messy kitchen, especially when I wasn't even there to eat. And in my husband's eyes, there's no reason why he should come home to an icy driveway when I was there all day. It makes sense that people who love each other should help each other. If I was down with the flu for three days, would it be loving to let the dishes pile up in the sink?
My husband received a notice call to jury duty yesterday. So there's a chance that I'll be shoveling the driveway even more. He told me a story about his ex-wife disappearing for six weeks after being called to jury duty. Maybe there's more to that story, but the point is that we can't be so totally dependent on other people doing things for us. We need to learn to help ourselves and be willing to help others. When a man has three days off work and his wife doesn't, shouldn't he be willing to pick up around the house while she's not there? The problem in many marriages is that husbands and wives aren't willing to serve each other. They care more about being served. The Bible tells us that those who serve are the greatest among us. I guess I'll have to keep that in mind when I'm out taking care of the driveway while my husband is at work. And He will have to remember that while he cleans the kitchen when I'm not around.
Marriage is more than the joining of two people with defined roles. Sometimes we have to take on chores that normally are done by the other person. We have to carry the other person's load when they can't. That's what love is all about, helping each other. If we can't do that, then we should stay selfish and single because we clearly don't deserve to be married.
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