RAISING THE BAR ON FRIENDSHIP

Standing on the sidelines in our majorette uniforms at a 1978 football game

                                                  

By Danelle Carvell

As I got older and my priorities changed, I raised the bar on friendship. I want more than someone to hang out with, I want a friend who knows my heart and offers hers. The quality of that friendship is more important to me than just having a pal. My time is valuable, and I can't waste time with friends who leave me feeling empty on the drive home.

If all I wanted was companionship, I could make my husband my whole life and be happy. But I want girlish laughter and all-night emotional chats on subjects my husband can't relate to. A good friendship is just as important as a good marriage. The wrong husband can make your life miserable and so can the wrong friend.

I have let friends go over the years for different reasons. A past friend from my thirties proved unreliable and a bit selfish. She would make plans with me and then cancel when something else came up. I stopped spending time with another friend because our common interests changed. When our friendship began, we were both single. When I got engaged, she did things to sabotage my new relationship. I guess my engagement put a damper on her social life.

I have a list of things I expect from a friend, and everything I expect is also something I'm willing to give myself. I want a friend who gets into my soul, someone I can be transparent with because she knows me well and I trust her. She has to be honest and dependable. She listens intently and speaks the truth in love. I want a friend who takes an interest in my life and what's important to me. She doesn't compete with me, but encourages me to be fabulous. She's there when I accomplish something and she's there when I fall on my face.

I do have some great friends in my life, but I'm not as close to them as I'd like to be. My friends who are geographically close seem distant in other ways because their lives are so busy. And my friend Debbie lives far from me, but she is the one person I can talk to about anything. I first connected with Debbie in eighth grade, when we talked about trying out for the Upper Dauphin bandfront. She quickly became my best friend in high school, but we lost touch after graduation. Several years ago we reconnected.

 

Spending time with her again makes me realize why I liked her so much in high school. She's easy to be with. She's not overly-sensitive or insecure, so I don't have to watch what I say around her. If we have a misunderstanding, she forgives me. I love her sense of humor. We laugh about the same things. She's a caring, thoughtful person. We enjoy each other's company. 

Of all the friends I've had, Debbie has been my very best friend. Maintaining a friendship with someone far away is challenging. We have a great time when we're together, but then there's that long empty span between visits. I guess I miss the friendship we had in high school when I saw her almost every day. 

Debbie came into my life like an unexpected gift, but I had to look for most of my other friends. More than ten years ago, when I was pulled out of the workplace by health problems, I felt isolated. Every one around me seemed to have people close by on whom they could rely, but my life felt empty. I needed a support system, so I started a friendship group and invited five women to be a part of it. 

We called it girls night. Once a month the five of us took turns making dinner at our homes. We would catch up on all that happened since we last saw each other. We shared our struggles and our triumphs. We laughed, we cried, and before we said goodbye we got a date on the calendar for our next gathering. My friends repeatedly thanked me for inviting them into the group. If I hadn't reached out to them, we would have missed out on all those wonderful nights of encouraging each other and having someone to listen. 

But every time I drove home from one of those gatherings, I longed for a deeper connection with those women. Meeting once a month isn't my idea of a close friendship. I have tried to get closer to some of the gals, but their busy lives won't allow it. If my friends read this, I hope they'll feel complimented by my desire for closer friendships. 

Woman are busy today. Some of them appear to be loners who only have time for personal achievement and self-fulfillment. They don't seem open to a new friendship. Some women I meet are too distracted by their own lives to care about mine. And at times I find women to be moody. One day they convey a warmth and openness, but on another day, they're cold and aloof. I avoid moody people because it's just too stressful to endure their up and down emotions. 

A woman who consistently tells me by her attitude and words that she's glad I'm there is someone I want to know better. But women who always display warmth and friendliness are rare. How do I find friends when at almost every female gathering, women are either flaunting their accomplishments or their cleavage. So many women always have something to prove. Our culture encourages female competition and too many women are happy to comply.  

No one wants to discuss the battles that go on among women. We like to be positive and think that we can all get along, but I've seen too many examples of women who would rather tear each other down than build each other up. With roving eyes, women search for flaws in other women to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. Generations ago, women supported one another, but today that support is hard to find.

I recall a party I attended one summer. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. One particular career woman in the group spent an entire hour coaching me on ways that I could improve my life. She just couldn't fathom that I was happy without a career. How could being a wife, mother and homemaker possibly fulfill me? So she bombarded me with suggestions for my finding more meaningful activities. She literally gave me a headache. 

Sometimes when I talk to a woman, it's like talking to a machine. There's no compassion and no understanding because she's not really listening. She seems only to care about getting her own point across, so she talks over me and doesn't hear my response. I want a friend who listens and truly cares.

I recall being approached by a woman who wanted me to volunteer for an activity in which my daughter was involved. As we talked, I felt like I was in front of a bulldozer and about to be flattened. She didn't let me finish my thoughts. She made light of my reasons why I couldn't volunteer. And when the conversation was over, she didn't accept my “no.” She insisted that I think about it. 

I looked at her questioningly and wanted to ask, “Did you hear anything that I just said?” I felt irritated after that conversation because she didn't validate my very good reason why I couldn't volunteer. What I heard from her is that we all have problems and I should just press on and accept the task. No listening, no compassion and no one I would ever consider a friend.

I can't be a friend to someone who doesn't listen because nothing makes me feel less important than not being heard. If she interrupts me to recount her problems while I'm telling her mine, then she's not concerned about me. If she's checking her phone while I'm talking or if her body language and facial expressions show no interest, then I know she's not really there. And I don't want to be there either.

I don't want a friend who agrees with me on everything. She should have her own opinion. And sometimes that opinion might be about me. I always appreciate when a friend speaks the truth in love. A true friend sharpens me. She points out where I might be wrong and leads me in a better direction. She doesn't do this in a competitive “I'm smarter than you” way, but she does it lovingly.

My friend Margene is good at this. I love our conversations because I walk away knowing myself better. Through her eyes, I see my weaknesses, my strengths and how I appear to others. She tells me when I'm headed toward disaster and when I'm on the right track. A friend who speaks the truth in love is a treasure because she  keeps me out of trouble. Her advice can save me from embarrassment and regret. 

It's foolish to believe that a true friend would never clash with me. A true friend is protective and she helps me to grow and learn. Sometimes that means lovingly correcting me when I'm wrong. If I knew a friend was about to do something really stupid or physically harmful, I wouldn't wait for her to ask for my advice. I would quickly and lovingly point out the harm she's headed toward. We don't have to agree with people to love them. 

I want a friend that I can be myself with. When I don't feel criticized, rejected or misunderstood, the conversation is completely stress-free. That sense of relaxation and comfort is what I long for. I can't relax when I find myself holding back or not revealing what I really want to say. One of the greatest freedoms in life is the freedom to be transparent. Being able to express my true thoughts and feelings without fear of rejection or judgment is a wonderful thing and I want it. 

A lack of trust is what holds me back. I cant share the details of my life with someone I don't trust. My personal information could easily become entertainment at a gossip fest. I want a friend who can keep a secret and a lunch date.  A true friend earns my trust through consistent displays of loyalty over time. Trust is the foundation of friendship. Without it, the relationship offers no comfort and no reason to grow. 

One way that I build trust with people is by being there for them and taking notice of them. I always felt it was important to support my family's accomplishments. I was there when my younger brother graduated from high school and when my older brother graduated from technical school. And when my sister accomplished something artistically, I was either there to see it or I congratulated her later. 

Because friends are the family that I choose, I should offer them the same loyalty. I should notice and speak of their accomplishments. This lets them know that  I care about their lives, their dreams, and their goals. I want a friend who does that for me too. She makes me feel appreciated by taking an interest in my life.

When I was younger and less discerning, I had a friend who was always dragging me down and holding me back? She didn't want me to change, grow or evolve. Maybe she felt threatened by my success because it made her feel like a failure. Or maybe she worried that she might get left behind. So instead of encouraging me, she would point out reasons why I shouldn't.

I want a friend who supports where I'm going and who I'm becoming. My friend, Tam, noticed when I had my first commentary published in our local newspaper. She called me to congratulate me. It meant a lot because the only other person who mentioned it was a stranger who happened to read the piece. 

Encouragement motivates me. I need to surround myself with positive people because I'm easily discouraged but I'm not easily motivated. I have to force myself to get things done. So it's nice to have someone in my corner who's cheering me on. But only a woman who is at peace with herself has the confidence to encourage other women. 

I've been on this earth for almost sixty years, so my observations deserve some merit. I've watched women from a distance and I've seen them up close. The one question I want to ask more than any other is this: Why do women have such a hard time loving and supporting one another? We have the same struggles but we aren't always on the same team and we are reluctant to help one another.

No greater love exists than to lay down your life to help someone. I want a friend I can turn to when I'm facing a difficult challenge. I recently read a great example of a friend who laid down her life. My Journey With Farrah: A Story of Life, Love and Friendship by Alana Stewart tells the story of a thirty-year friendship. For three of those years, Alana put her life on hold to be with her friend, Farrah, as she battled cancer. 

“My life took a back seat to Farrah's battle with cancer,” Alana wrote. “I would drop everything. Leave my family and my dogs and my home, and hop on a plane at a moment's notice if she needed me.”

Farrah and Alana made many trips to Germany in search of treatments and a cure. She rationalized leaving her family because Farrah was also her family and she was fighting for her life. Alana didn't see  her decision as a sacrifice. She saw it as simply being there for her friend. 

“When you unselfishly do something for someone else, when you get beyond yourself, out of your head, and out of your own way, God solves your problems for you, “ Alana wrote. 

I want a friend who isn't selfish but has a willingness to sacrifice and serve others. I would sacrifice my own comfort to nurture a worthy friendship, but I don't have many friends who would drop everything to help me. That kind of friendship is rare.  

By now you're probably thinking that I'm pretty demanding when it comes to friendship. Maybe you're wondering if my expectations are even attainable in today's busy world. How many women have even one friend with the qualities I described? I guess the reason why my expectations are so high is because I have experienced the kind of friendship that I'm talking about. And once you've had that, anything less just leaves you wanting more.

TWO PROPHETIC ALERTS

CHANGING THE WORLD RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE: A BOOK REVIEW

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

What would the world look like if we all made intentional efforts to bless one another?  

That is a question both asked and answered in Becky Kopitzke’s book, Generous Love:Discover the Joy of Living “Others First”. Reading it has encouraged me to love more generously and more purposefully. If there’s anything our broken world needs right now, it’s the healing balm of a basic lesson in loving people.

But why should you love and bless people? Kopitzke answers that question in Chapter 13, where she offers two answers: because God says so, and because it benefits you. When Jesus was asked to name the top commandment, he also offered two answers: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind; and love your neighbor as yourself. 

If you’re a follower of Jesus, God expects you to be who you claim to be. According to the Bible, loving people is how we prove our love for God: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” We can’t separate loving God from loving people. They are one and the same because God is the one who commands us to love others. 

In Chapter 14, And Because It Benefits You Too, Kopitzke explains the second reason why we should love and bless others. “True blessings are not granted with the intent of getting something in return,” she writes. But the Bible is clear that when we do what God commands us to do, we will be rewarded. 

In Proverbs we are told that those who are kind benefit themselves but the cruel bring ruin on themselves. It is the basic law of sowing and reaping spoken of in 2 Corinthians that comes into play. Being rewarded for obedience is part of God’s system, Kopitzke reminds us. But our rewards may not be what we expect. 

Yes, blessing others might directly result in financial gain, a dream job, a healing or a restored relationship, but the better gift is being filled with more of God. “When we receive more of God, we start thinking the way He thinks and wanting more of what He wants. He infuses us with deeper peace, firmer trust, and fuller joy,” Kopitzke writes. 

 Perhaps the best way to bless others is to pray for them. In her book, Kopitzke reminds us that you don’t even have to get out of bed to make yourself useful and help people. Prayer is the most powerful work a person can do. She also points out that prayer can be a negative thing when it’s used as a form of gossip or to scold or shame people. 

“We need to pray for Janice, I think her husband is having an affair.” A comment like that is just a sneaky way to gossip more than it is a genuine concern for Janice. I wouldn’t want my personal business advertised for the sake of prayer. Personal issues should always remain personal unless the person with the issue decides to make it public. We simply don’t have the right to make that decision for anyone. 

And then we have the prayer shamers: “I’m going to pray so you can get over this. It’s really not healthy for you to keep dwelling on it.” First of all, only the person who experienced the hurt has the right to determine the time frame for getting over something. We cross major boundaries when we determine that ourselves. We need to be careful about using prayer as a way to shame people. That’s not blessing them in any way. It only reveals our own mean spirit. 

Whenever I see or hear about people being mean, my first thought is always how unhappy they must be. Happy people have no reason to be mean. They want the best for others because they are content with their own lives. We may think that our mean words or actions are really just harmless, but God doesn’t see it that way. “Because any sin, no matter the size or shape or intention, is offensive to God,” Kopitzke reminds us. 

I love the title of Chapter 2: Why Are We So Stinking Selfish? She mentions self-absorption, pride, entitlement, envy, distractions and fatigue as the six common pitfalls of our sin nature that tempt us to think and act selfishly. When we don’t see beyond ourselves, we don’t think about what other people might be going through or what they might need. “And it’s awfully hard to bless someone you’re jealous of,” Kopitzke points out. But the most likely reason we fail to bless others is that we are just too darn tired because life is so busy and full of distractions. 

Along with our prayers, we can also bless people with our presence, our possessions, and our perspective. Do you realize that you can bless people simply by looking them in the eye when they speak? Kopitzke lists 50 ways to bless people within each of four categories: prayer, presence, possessions, and perspective. She offers a total of 200 ways we can encourage others and bless them by lifting their spirits while also lifting our own.

Some of the things on her list really jumped out at me:

Welcome an interruption as part of God’s plan for your day.

Smile at people.

When tempted to point out a person’s flaws, pray for God to help you recognize your own.

Be friendly to service people. Ask how their day is going. Thank them for the work they do.

Pray for bad drivers who cut you off. (I remind myself of the stupid things I’ve done while driving)

Listen more than you talk.

Drop off a gift basket for a single mom and her children (I would have loved this at one time).

Encourage your children’s God-given personality and interests.

But I think my favorite is this one: When your child needs your attention, but you’re engaged in a conversation, teach her to lay a hand on your arm. Place your hand on hers to acknowledge her request. Then finish your discussion before tending to your child. This allows you to bless the person you’re talking to with your undivided attention and shows your kids that you can be present for them and others at the same time. 

Blessing others is about respecting people as individual souls created by God. If we can’t bless our own children, then that’s where we need to start. The author says that we are all shamefully prone to ignoring other people. That’s why we need to make an intentional daily effort if we want to experience the joy of living “others first”. 

“Generous love is more than a singular act of kindness or an isolated whim of generosity. It’s a habit. A lifestyle. A (daily) choice,” says Kopitzke. I wonder how many opportunities I missed throughout my life to express love for the people God placed in my path. After reading this book, I don’t want to miss any more. Each of us has the power to change the world right where we are because the greatest change can begin with the smallest acts of kindness. 

A final quote from the author seems a fitting way to end this book review: “Every day, every hour is a gift from Him, the Creator of time and space. And He expects us to use it well.” 

I hope to be told someday that I used my time well.

DO YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING?

Crimes or Cover-Up? Exposing the World’s Most Dangerous Lie

THE GIFT OF LONELINESS

                                                                                    

                                                                                    

Recently, I watched an episode of Touched By An Angel, a TV show about angels who help people on earth.  That particular show inspired me to write about loneliness.  The episode was about a lonely, desperate woman named Zoey.  She had recently been dumped by her boyfriend and she was feeling as if she’d never find a man who would want to marry her.  She longed for a husband and children.  She was tired of coming home every night to a lonely apartment. 

     

One night when Zoey was leaving a bar with a man of questionable character, two angels, Monica and Andrew, stopped her.  Then Monica gave her a message from God.  She told Zoey that love isn’t something you shop for and she’d never find her ideal man in a bar.  “To find the right man, you have to become the right woman,” Monica said.  She was suggesting to Zoey that she fill her lonely life with giving love to others.  She told her to trust God and wait for His timing to bring the right man into her life.

     

At the end of the show, Zoey was sitting outside on a beautiful summer day talking to an elderly woman in a wheel chair.  She had become a volunteer companion for residents at a rest home.  She had taken her angel’s advice.

The loneliest time in my life was after my divorce.  I was so lonely that I longed to have my old life back. I wished that I had stayed married. An unhappy marriage seemed better than the loneliness I felt as a newly single mother.  The first night in my new apartment, I cried until I was exhausted.

For two years, after my divorce, I lived as an unmarried, unhappy woman.  The choices I made during that time weren’t the best choices. Once again, like I did in my early twenties, I pursued a social life in bars and night clubs.  Every weekend my girlfriends and I went out dancing and drinking, hoping to find Mr. Right.

 If I had it to do over, I would have filled my loneliness with community service not smoke-filled bar rooms.  I would have been less desperate and trusted God to bring the right man into my life.  Those two years I spent shopping for a man after my divorce could have been better spent. Working on becoming the right woman instead of looking for the right man attracts men of better quality. The good guy actually finds you while you're busy loving others.

But you don't have to be single to be lonely. Some of the loneliest people are married. Maybe it's a lack of communication or a lack of kindness, the reasons for a lonely marriage are many. Sometimes the loneliness is a result of wishing for more freedom or wanting your single days back. When that obsession takes over your mind, you become discontent and see the blessings in your life as burdens.

Satan loves to destroy families by filling married people's minds with the belief that they missed out on sowing their wild oats. Maybe they married young and never got to "enjoy" the single life. Then after a few years of marriage, the responsibilities become burdensome and they want to break free and have fun like their single friends. It's a recipe for disaster in a marriage and it could lead to the kind of loneliness Zoey felt when her angels intervened.

The following advice comes from an adaptation of the book, Loneliness by Elizabeth Elliott.  Her words are poetic and full of truth:

“The answer to our loneliness is love- not our finding someone to love us, but our surrendering to the God who has always loved us with an everlasting love.  Loving Him is then expressed in a joyful and full-hearted pouring out of ourselves in love to others. As I find my place of service within the community of God’s people, there is little time left to be lonely.  For me the answer to loneliness is not to solve it, but to embrace it as a gift from a loving Father and to offer it back to Him, so that He can transform it into a gift for others.  Knowing that my aloneness comes from the hand of a loving Father enables me to receive it as a gift, not a curse.”

Loneliness is a gift?  I think what the author means is that it’s an opportunity to give something of yourself to the world.  When we finally do marry and have children, we become so busy with our own lives that we don’t really notice the needs of people outside our immediate families.  The “gift” is the opportunity to be a blessing to others while we have the time to do it.

  

If you are lonely and single, take that angel’s advice and fill your unmarried days with a pouring out of yourself to others.  Don’t be in such a hurry to find a husband.  Trust God.  He wants to give you the very best.  Relax and wait for His timing.  Put the choice in God's hands and you’ll never have to shop for love.  It will simply appear one day while you’re out helping others. God's law of attraction will bring the right man to you while you’re busy becoming the right woman.  

      

     

     

     

        

A REASON TO BE REAL

 

                                                                          

                                                                                

                                              My tea bag encouraging me to be real 
      

By Danelle Carvell

As women, we all lack confidence about something.  It could be a bothersome physical flaw or something we wish we could do better. The things we are most insecure about are the things we are most sensitive about. And if someone mentions that sore spot, look out.

Our failures, inadequacies and insecurities often cause the most torment in our lives and in our relationships. The feeling that we don’t measure up can consume many areas of our lives. We can feel like a financial failure or an academic failure.  We can feel bad about our parenting skills, our housekeeping, our bad decisions, our weight, our physical flaws and even our personality traits. The list is endless. 

But wouldn’t it be freeing if we could comfortably reveal the brokenness in our lives instead of hiding it and being tormented by it? Not one of us has it all together. We are all broken in different ways. When I mess up, I want my foolish mistake to manifest into something beautiful.  That won’t happen unless I admit my failure so it can either spark forgiveness or become a valuable lesson for others. 

As a writer, it’s not easy to share personal things that most people keep hidden.  That straight-from-the-heart writing that is so powerful requires complete honesty. But sharing the messy part of my life-- the things I dislike about myself, the struggles I face, and the failures I’ve had--is where my power lies to inspire others and to strengthen myself. The first step toward self improvement is admitting what needs fixing.

Letting others see who you are and how you think takes courage. But many women are reluctant to share their true selves and what they think, fear or worry about. They keep their thought life a secret and their insecurities hidden. Everything that troubles their minds stays within and it’s a lonely place to be. 

Do we fear being seen as broken and imperfect? In a world that idolizes strong, beautiful women, do we fear that we don’t measure up? Is that why women pretend to have it all together and get defensive when someone reveals a weakness they need to work on? 

What someone might gain by reading my truth is far more important than any embarrassment I feel when revealing  my messy life. But I needed to reach a certain level of experience and maturity before I could be that brave. Hiding my flaws, refusing to admit my mistakes and blaming others was the norm when I was younger. But there’s no beauty in that and there’s no learning from it. 

The key to breaking free of the phony me and becoming the real me was getting closer to God. When you carry around a false persona of perfection, you are more invested in the world than you should be. You are falling for the lies of our culture that tell women what they should be. Those lies keep women in constant competition and hating one another. God knows every single flaw and weakness you agonize over and He adores you anyway. 

When we learn to love ourselves as God loves us, we stop feeling insecure and inadequate. We forgive ourselves when we fail because God forgives us. We are quick to admit our mistakes instead of making excuses for them. And asking for forgiveness from those we hurt is much easier because He gives us the strength to do that.  

 When women finally learn this important truth: how God sees us matters more than how the world sees us, then we can stop exhausting ourselves trying to prove how right we are, how capable, strong and fearless we are.  Our relationships improve and our lives become more peaceful because we can rest in His unconditional love. 

It’s easy to spot a phony when you’ve been one yourself. She’s the girl who can’t relax. Maybe she needs constant attention or she’s always creating drama or talking sassy. She has no peace because she can’t see the blessings in her life. Her focus is on what she doesn’t have, and that steals her joy and contentment.  Her self-worth lies in her accomplishments so she talks about them often. She needs to control others and she’s relentless at it. That was me back in my insecure days. That was me needing Jesus. With Him, I have a reason to be real and the strength to pull it off.  

TELL THE LADY WITH LYMPHOMA WHAT YOU LAST BICKERED ABOUT

By Danelle Carvell

    As I pushed my cart through the grocery store today, I took extra notice to the people that passed by.  I wondered what their lives were like.  What problems they were agonizing over and what joys filled their days.  It struck me funny that I could pass so close to a human soul and know nothing about that person.

    Grocery store shoppers usually don’t make eye contact. They just scan the shelves as they push their carts past each other.  What is there to say really?  Every now and then someone will ask if I’ve tried a certain product.  Or they’ll ask if I know where they moved the salad dressing or some other elusive item.  “Yeah, they’re always moving things,” I say.

     When I get to the check out, I usually stand there in silence while the lady scans my groceries.  Every now and then I’ll start a conversation or she’ll start chatting.  We talk about the weather, or how busy the store is,  things like that.  Sometimes the younger girls will tell me personal things about their lives as if they’ve known me forever.  That always fascinates me, but I don’t mind.  It’s better than standing there in silence.

     After piling my groceries in the trunk, I headed to Rite Aid to pick up a birthday card. Surprisingly, the first one I read was perfect.  The only thing I didn’t like was the price.  I never paid five dollars for a card before.  As I mentioned this to the cashier, a lady appeared to my right and immediately began talking about her “diagnosis.”  The cashier listened intently as she handed me my change.  They were obviously friends, and I felt like an intruder standing between them during such a personal conversation.

     I heard the word “lymphoma” and that she needed more tests.  Within a few sentences I knew the woman beside me had cancer. Unlike the people I passed in the grocery store, I knew something about this stranger and it wasn’t pleasant.  For a moment I wanted to say something hopeful, but I didn’t.  I grabbed my purchase, put my wallet in my handbag, and headed for the door.  Then my mind flashed an image of me putting my hand on her shoulder as I passed by, to show some kind of support, some kind of encouragement.  But she was a stranger and it just didn’t feel comfortable.

    When I stepped outside, I breathed in slowly, closed my eyes and exhaled the thought: “God, don’t ever let that be me.”  The worst part of my day so far had been paying five dollars for a card. Suddenly it wasn’t a big deal.  All I could feel was grateful... grateful for my health and the health of my family, and grateful that I had the five dollars to buy a card.

     I started my car and headed home. As I drove I thought about the fuss people make over ridiculous things that they perceive as irritating. All that negative energy that causes even more agony for the people around them. Why can’t people just relax and enjoy their lives if they’re healthy and have good things going for them? 

     Everything we fuss about has a point at which we could choose to be grateful if we’d only decide to embrace our blessings. I hate waiting in lines, but while I stand in line waiting, I could be grateful that I have two healthy legs to stand on. I could think about that boy in my high school class who trudged through the hall on crutches, yet managed to carry his books with no help. 

     Our world is so filled with conflict right now. We shouldn’t be contributing to it with unnecessary bickering. God is looking for people with grateful hearts. He’s looking for peacemakers that he can promote to do the work our country needs to heal.  The brawlers, grumblers and complainers will be left behind with their regrets, trying to catch up to those God is blessing for their peaceful, grateful hearts.

     

WRITING REQUIRES A TOUGH SHELL

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

Perhaps the most difficult thing about writing is hearing opinions about what I write, how I should have said it, what's missing and what should have been left out of a story. I was always told to write what I know. And in order to do that, I must use examples from my own experiences. I write what I live daily, and that includes what other people do and say.

But sometimes a friend wrongfully assumes that I'm writing about her and gets offended. Other times I might quote someone anonymously, and she recognizes herself, then becomes upset that I didn't ask permission to quote her. And there have been times when my writing hit a sore spot with someone and I wondered if I should go back and rewrite or delete that part. 

I was talking about this with a friend recently and she said that being a writer requires growing a tough shell. I can't write with a goal of avoiding controversy or preventing people from getting their feelings hurt. I'm always shocked when people feel hurt by my words, but I appreciate their honesty.   

My intentions as a writer are to inspire, encourage, and assure people that they are not alone. We share many of the same experiences. By sharing the details of our lives, we can help others understand and navigate their own lives. We can facilitate a fresh perspective that positively changes a person's way of thinking. Good writing can do powerful things, but writing loses its power when the freedom to share valuable content is restrained. 

If people recognize themselves in my writing they should consider that I chose to share that for the greater good. Something they said or did is the perfect example for the message I'm trying to convey. I'm very careful to respect the people behind those examples. When someone feels trampled upon, it's usually because they misunderstood my intentions.

Everything I write passes through God's filter. He lets me know when I need to reword something or delete it. I do ask permission when I use names, but when I share something anonymously, I offer no apologies. Writers have a creative license to observe people and share anything that will be of value to others. It's our job to write truth, and anyone I know or observe could show up in that truth.    

If I share a disappointment that involved you, I didn't do that to make you look bad. I did it to share a lesson that could be beneficial to others. If I quote you anonymously, then you must have said something profound that others might learn from or be inspired by. But readers don't always consider the writer's intentions. They are quicker to focus on how they are affected by a story.  

I'm not the only writer that deals with this. One of my favorite episodes of The Waltons is about John Boy sacrificing an opportunity to have a story published when he realizes it would be embarrassing to Emily Baldwin. On several episodes of the show, Miss Emily reminisces about a past love named Ashley, who kissed her amid a whirlwind of golden leaves. Because she talks about Ashley so much, anyone in the community who reads John Boy's story would surely recognize who he was writing about.

At first Emily is excited that John Boy is writing her love story, but when he reads it to her, before sending it to the publisher, he sees the disappointment on her face. The fictional story conveyed his belief that Miss Emily's relationship with Ashley was a fantasy that she cultivated in her mind. When he sees how sad she becomes upon hearing the story, He decides to spare her the embarrassment of having it published. 

That story would have brought joy and entertainment to others because it was so well written, but John Boy decided that seeing his name in print wasn't worth hurting someone he cares about. I think that most writers would make the same decision. Those who write to hurt others are not blessed by God, the one who bestowed their talent in the first place. 

But at the same time, fiction is fiction. And maybe we should allow writers to be inspired by real life but also allow them the freedom to add whatever fictional content they choose. Nothing is more disappointing to a writer than putting her heart, soul and time into something only to have it scrapped when someone doesn't like it, be it a reader or an editor. 

I write because God gave me a talent and if I don't use it, I will have much to answer for some day. God wants to use my experiences to enrich the lives of others. Sharing the thoughts and experiences of the people around me is a big part of that.

My shell is getting tougher. The critical opinions are bouncing off better than they once did, because I know my heart and that gives me confidence. So if you recognize yourself in my writing, keep my heart in mind, and your shell might toughen too.   

  

 

LIFE AS A DOORMAT IS MESSY

                                                                     

                                                                            

Scarecrow was a mess and didn't have a brain. Like him, a life without boundaries is a messy life.

                                                                                   

       By Danelle Carvell

In my teens and early twenties I was a bit insecure.  I wanted people to like me so I became a people pleaser.  Being unable to say "No" put me in situations I shouldn't have been in. Often it was my "friends" who got me into these predicaments.  I'd end up at a sleazy party because a girlfriend was interested in some guy and she didn't want to go alone. I've been on dates I should have declined, and I've said yes to things I should have said no to, all because I wanted to please people and have them like me. 

      Now that I'm close to 60, I have become wiser and more assertive.  I've learned to stand up for myself and say "No!" to things that aren't good for me. And I’ve learned who my true friends are. I no longer need everyone to like me. If you bring nothing good to my life, I don’t care how you feel about me. 

      “The most basic boundary-setting word is no.  It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you,” say Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend in their book, Boundaries.  I highly recommend that book to anyone who has a problem establishing legitimate limits that are so essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I can’t love people effectively without boundaries and I can’t protect myself from manipulative or abusive relationships without taking control of my life. 

      Establishing boundaries is sometimes about trusting your instincts. When something doesn't feel right it probably isn't the right thing to do.  And people who truly care for you will respect your boundaries. If they don’t, perhaps you shouldn’t be spending time with them. 

      I’m not talking about becoming an overly-aggressive person who looks out only for herself. Sometimes we should do a difficult thing for the sake of helping friends and family. While the goal of a selfishly aggressive person is to get what she wants no matter who she hurts, the goal of an assertive person is to nurture her own well-being without hurting others.

But that doesn't mean you won't disappoint people. My friend wouldn't have died if she hadn't made it to that dreadful party, but she would have been disappointed. But I can't make her happy at my own expense, and no friend should ever expect that.

     It really is true that we teach people how to treat us. One of the first places women learn this is when they start dating. When I was 17, I went on one date with someone who surprised me by his invitation because I hadn’t noticed his interest in me. He just called me out of the blue and I said, yes. 

     Looking back, I  would have been wiser to say No. He later admitted that the only reason he asked me out was to get back at my former boyfriend for dating his former girlfriend. Talk about feeling used. I wanted to smack him. 

   I often thought about telling my daughter all my dating horror stories so she wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made. She did make some mistakes in that area, but now she’s married to a man who adores her and treats her with kindness and respect. I’m not taking credit for her good choice, but perhaps she learned to have boundaries because she saw that example in me.

     Becoming skilled at setting boundaries helps more than just you. Your children are watching you and learning how they should respond to people who abuse and take advantage of them. I didn’t raise doormats and I refuse to be one myself. Being used and abused is not God’s plan for you either. 

WHY GET MARRIED IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK?

 

                                                                                

                                                                                

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

Over two steaming cups at Starbucks, she shared her desire to have better communication with her husband.  “We don’t talk,” she said in a hopeless tone.  “He doesn’t think it’s a problem, but I feel like something’s missing in our marriage.”

My friend was expressing an emptiness that many women feel. I grew up with parents that didn’t talk, but because they never argued, I assumed they were happy. Many years after their divorce, my mother told me that she and my dad rarely talked about their problems.

Early in our marriage, my husband hated talking.  He hated it so much that I could see the fear in his eyes every time I said, “We need to talk.” Meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in a marriage, but from my experience, men don’t seem to have the same need. A man can think that everything is fine in the relationship while a woman can be deeply troubled and aware of a growing list of problems between them.

To spark better communication, the first thing I did was let my husband know that conversation is important to me. I did that by first mentioning something that is important to him: “Would you be happy if you couldn’t go hunting anymore?” I asked. That got his attention. Then I said, “As much as you need hunting to be happy, I need conversation with you.”

Men are not mind readers.  Don’t be the woman who coos, “If he really loved me, he would know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him.”  That’s just foolish.  You can’t realistically expect a man to magically know when your needs are going unmet.

Over the years, I tried different things to improve our talk time.  I tried setting aside a certain night for conversation, but it didn’t work because when I have a gripe I need to spill it then and there. I can’t wait until Thursday. I also learned that timing is everything.  I can’t spring a heavy conversation on Jim as soon as he gets home from work. He says he needs time to unwind. Sometimes men aren’t open to conversation simply because the timing is off.

The way you approach a man is also important.  You must be calm, not hysterical.  If that means giving yourself an hour to cool off, take it. Then, when it’s time to confront him, use a tone that’s soft, not an accusing tone.  Use introductory words like, “I feel” and “I need.”  Accusing words such as, “You always,” and “You never” will make a man feel like he’s being attacked. He will become defensive and you’ll end up frustrated because nothing will be resolved.

Every couple that wants their marriage to thrive must give themselves time each day that belongs to only them. This is why I believe in set bedtimes for children. Couples need to connect every day and share their thoughts and feelings.  Without the connection that talking brings to a marriage, you’ll feel more like roommates than husband and wife. 

I’ll say it again, meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in marriage. The guy may have other great qualities, but if he doesn’t welcome conversation and really listen to his wife, she will never be happy with him. She’ll be lonely and feeling like something is missing. Why is it so easy for a woman to share marital unhappiness with a friend over coffee, but so difficult to share those feelings with her husband?

Those who long for change must be the ones to initiate it. My husband doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he needs from me. He may not ask directly, but he finds ways to make his needs known. So why shouldn’t I make my needs known?

My first marriage ended because neither one of us gave what the other person needed. I remember our counselor asking my ex-husband what he learned when our counseling sessions were coming to a close. He thought for a moment and then said, “I learned that I can’t be selfish. I have to think about what the other person needs.” And that is what it’s all about. 

I recall a book titled, “His Needs, Her Needs.” I don’t remember if I read it or I wanted to read it. People write books like that because unless a man understands his wife’s needs, he will continue down the same oblivious path to his wife’s unhappiness. He will think that she’s just someone who can’t be pleased no matter what he does. 

And that concept works both ways. A woman can be just as oblivious to her husband’s needs. The only way to fix the problem is to address it. If you want him to talk, you need to tell him how important conversation is to you. At least it’s a good place to start.

Pour a cup of coffee. Then pour your heart out.