CALLING OUT BAD BEHAVIOR IS AN ACT OF LOVE

By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

My dad was very good at setting me on the right path when I messed up. It was an act of love that I am grateful for.

Maintaining relationships is hard work. One of the hardest things to do is confront someone who says or does something hurtful.  Confronting people who display bad behavior is extremely difficult. Many of us take the easier path and try to maintain unity without addressing conflicts. 

But denying a problem only causes anxiety and the situation will continue to fester by ignoring it. I think it's best to share the pain we feel about people's behavior and it's actually a biblical approach. Healing cannot begin unless the issue is brought up and discussed. 

Matthew 18: 15-20 tell us how to deal with bad behavior that ends up hurting others: "If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private..." The Bible doesn't tell us to ignore an offense. We are told to hold people accountable for their actions. And sometimes the process of holding them accountable is what brings a positive change in their behavior. 

One of the most difficult things about holding people accountable is the flogging you might get along the way from people close to the situation. In order to maintain unity, people will make excuses for the bad behavior or downplay what took place. They might even suggest that you overreacted to the whole thing and shift the blame on you. 

So by listening to all that, you end up taking a second beating. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to stand your ground in such a situation because it's a very uncomfortable place to be. But people don't learn and grow in the comfort zone. 

"Unity is an important goal, but we shouldn't pursue it at all cost. As image-bearers of God, we do a disservice by allowing abusive behavior to go unchecked. If we don't set limits, we are in effect saying that bad behavior is acceptable. We grow and change when people care enough to challenge our selfishness and call us to something better. The most loving action we can do is not ignoring bad behavior but calling it out and holding people accountable."

The above paragraph is from the article titled, "A Christian Response to Bad Behavior," by Rev. Deb Koster. 

I have been held accountable for my actions many times, and each time it happened I became a better person for it. I was actually grateful for the person who had the courage to call me out. And because I was open to humbling myself, admitting my wrongs and apologizing, the relationship was restored and I learned a valuable life lesson. 

It is possible to forgive people and give up your right to be vindicated while still holding them accountable. Forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to be abused and granting people a free pass. We forgive because it's the right thing to do and God commands us to forgive. But forgiveness won't guarantee that the relationship will be restored, so we should always prepare for that possibility. 

Sometimes confronting the right people in a situation is difficult because they seem very distant and hostile. People who project an unwelcoming attitude or a sense of hostility are nearly impossible to have a conversation with. If the person is in a bad state of mind, you will most likely get nowhere with a confrontation. 

And that is where prayer becomes a powerful tool in dealing with the situation. If you can't talk to someone about an offense, you can go to God with your hurts. Sometimes it's best to let Him work on that person's heart and then trust and wait patiently for Him to do what seems impossible. 

Relationships are difficult to maintain. But God doesn't call us to an easy life. Sometimes we have to do the hard work that's required to promote improvement and growth in ourselves and others.