THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE EPIDEMIC (part 2)

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

When we feel beaten down, all we can think about is escaping to any place but here. 

Emotional abuse has become an epidemic. In my last post, I talked about abuse that takes place in relationships--both marital and pre-marital. And I discussed abuse in the workplace and parental abuse directed toward children. 

I will begin part two by adding to the list of previously mentioned signs of emotional abuse. Go back and read part one to grasp a more complete list. Here are more signs that I haven't mentioned yet:

using weapons as a means of threatening

telling a partner they will not find anyone better and they are lucky to be with them.

attempting to control a partner's appearance

serially cheating on a partner and then blaming them for the behavior

making false accusations of cheating

destroying a partner's property

demanding to know where a partner is at every moment

Being emotionally abused in this way has many short-term effects on the brain and body. Your mental and physical health can be affected in the following ways:

anxiety

shame

fear

confusion 

guilt

a feeling of hopelessness and having no power to change things

frequent crying

moodiness

aches and pains or muscle tension

difficulty concentrating

The long-term effects of emotional abuse include:

loss of a sense of self

doubting your self-worth and your abilities

depression

anxiety

substance misuse

chronic pain

Children who are emotionally abused will often display effects of the abuse such as:

developmental delays

learning disabilities

wetting pants or the bed

speech disorders

health problems such as ulcers or skin conditions

weight fluctuation or obesity

extreme emotions

anxiety

sleep problems

social withdrawal

becoming overtly compliant or defensive

inappropriate behavior for their age

destructive or anti-social behavior

suicidal thoughts or behaviors

It is common for emotional abused people to turn physically violent. People who endure abuse as a child or in a relationship may have difficulties with many aspects of life, especially in new relationships. Abused children can develop attachment disorders and are likely to engage in toxic behaviors. 

Adults who were abused as children are more likely to develop chronic health problems such as eating disorders, headaches, heart disease, mental health issues, obesity and substance use disorders.

Emotional abuse can lead to PTSD. High levels of stress or fear over a long period of time can interfere with your daily functioning. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not only for soldiers coming home from a war. 

People are battling wars in every part of their lives-- at work and at home. I believe that very few people get through life without experiencing some type of emotional abuse. If the abuse is bad enough, it can destroy a person's ability to create positive social and romantic relationships in later life. 

One thing you can't do is blame yourself. No type of abuse is acceptable. There is no excuse for abusing someone. It's not something that someone ever deserves. 

You can never do something to deserve being abused. Shame is not something you should be dealing with on top of everything else. It's important to get support from family, friends, Christian counselors, church members or support groups to overcome any feelings of self-blame. 

Removing yourself from the abuse would be the ideal way of healing from it, but sometimes that is not immediately possible. If you feel trapped in an abusive situation, you could avoid engaging with the abuser by keeping a neutral facial expression and neutral body language. 

Abusers like to provoke a response and if you don't give them one, it could make things easier for you. Any way that you can create distance and avoid communication with the person takes some pressure off you and gives you some peace. 

An abused person might reach a point where they go along with anything the abuser wants in order to keep peace. But they might also feel like they will crack if they don't put up some boundaries and escape the constant assault on their mental health.  

Emotional abuse messes with your self-esteem, so standing up for yourself can be difficult. An emotionally abused person can feel so beaten down that they are not able to set boundaries. They allow themselves to become door mats and feel no sense of power to stop the abuse. 

I recently pointed out to a friend that she was letting people walk all over her. She was being mistreated by her family. I encouraged her to stand up for herself and set some boundaries by saying, "I will no longer come around if you continue to treat me so disrespectfully."

She admitted that she allows people to abuse her. She was emotionally abused as a child and the scars from that abuse are still with her. She lost her sense of self-worth, and now as an adult she's not able to stand her ground and protect herself from bullies. 

An abused person might go the complete opposite direction and become totally intolerant to even the slightest mistreatment. What happens in this situation is post traumatic stress disorder. Any reminder of that past abuse causes all the pain and emotions to resurface.

When someone mistreats an emotionally abused person, that person  feels the need for protection and escape. This is why some people can't tolerate working for a mean boss. Or they can't tolerate living with someone who is any kind of a bully. 

The abused person simply can't take another hit because they've already been pushed to the point of exhaustion. And they remember the horrible place they were in when the abuse was at its worst. To endure further abuse is not something they can handle, so they go into full-blown protective mode in an attempt to shield themselves from another beating. 

Another thing that happens with abused people is they become overly sensitive to the possible abuse of others. Being very perceptive to people's emotions, they instantly question why that person is reacting that way. They wonder if the negative reaction is caused by someone abusing them. They feel the need to protect others because they themselves have experienced the pain of abuse.

I believe you would be shocked by the amount of people you know that have experienced emotional abuse. It's not something people talk about freely. They hide it even from people close to them because of the shame of it or because they feel no power to stop it. Or maybe they think people won't believe them. Or maybe they are silently blaming themselves. 

Emotionally abused people can find themselves in a very lonely place. And that is why I wrote this. To help them find a way out of the pain by letting them know that they are not alone. They are not crazy. They deserve so much better. God does not want any of His children to be abused. Abuse happens when people reject God and the love He commands us to grant one another. 

THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE EPIDEMIC

By Danelle Carvell

                                                  

If everyone could be as encouraging as a Dove chocolate wrapper, I wouldn't need to write this.

 

Abuse comes in many forms. It can be physical or mental. But there's a form of abuse that can be hard to recognize when we witness it, and it can be hard to step away from too. Even the person being abused might question what is happening. I'm talking about emotional abuse. 

The information for this post is taken from an article titled, "What Are the Short and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse," which I found at healthline.com

I have no doubt that some people reading this are right now experiencing emotional abuse. Or maybe it happened to them in the past. I decided to write this because I'm hearing more and more about this type of abuse, and I know people who are dealing with it. Understanding what they are dealing with is a giant step toward breaking free of the abuse and finding their path toward healing. 

According to the article mentioned above, if you're wondering whether emotional abuse is happening to you, here are some of the signs:

yelling

name-calling

spewing insults or ridiculing you

attempting to make you question your own sanity (gaslighting)

invading your privacy

punishing you for not going along with what they want

trying to control your life

isolating you from family and friends

making subtle or overt threats

Within the above list is the word gaslighting. This word is being used more frequently than ever before because emotional abuse has become an epidemic. Gaslighting is a tactic for manipulating someone in a way that makes them question their own reality. 

I have experienced this kind of abuse myself and I can tell you that it's like having a conversation with the devil. You can't win no matter how you respond, and you end up feeling beaten down. Or you walk away wondering if the person is right about you. The goal of gaslighting is to get you so confused that you begin to question yourself--"Am I the one with the problem?"

Go back and read over the above list. If you are being treated this way, you can be sure that the problem is NOT you. What's happening to you is emotional abuse. 

At this point I should mention a second article that contributed to my information on this topic. "What Are the Effects of Emotional Abuse?" at medicalnewstoday.com is a good read if you wish to do further research. 

I'm including four types of emotional abuse in this post--parental, marital, workplace and abuse within our relationships. During our lives, we encounter many potential sources of abuse, which include parents, co-workers, romantic partners, friends and colleagues. The abuse can also come from family members, and that source of abuse might be the hardest to endure and recover from. 

Parents can be abusive. Some signs of emotional abuse toward children include:

rejecting or ignoring a child

telling a child they are unloved or unwanted

not showing or returning affection

shaming, belittling or humiliating a child

bullying or threatening a child

yelling or screaming at a child

isolating or confining a child from positive experiences

engaging a child in illicit or criminal acts

calling a child names

negatively comparing a child with others

A boyfriend or girlfriend can also be abusive. I have friends who went through this type of abuse and I have experienced it myself. The fallout is always the same. The abused person feels like nothing he or she does is ever right. 

Constant criticism is the norm. It's not unusual to even feel scared in the relationship. If the abuse continues for a long time, it can eat away at a person's self-esteem to the point where they believe that they deserve the abuse. 

Here's the list of signs that you are being abused by your partner:

The abusive behavior is blamed on you, maybe by saying, "You are the reason I am acting like this!"

being overly jealous or possessive

being upset when a partner spends time alone or with other people

pressuring a person into sexual activity

controlling a partner's actions or monitoring their phone and emails

gaslighting

stalking

threatening to harm their partner or themselves if a partner leaves

humiliating or intentionally embarrassing a partner

belittling a partner, calling them names or putting them down

Once married, the list is pretty much the same. And being married does not give anyone a right to be abusive. Nor does being married mean that you must tolerate such abuse. If you try to avoid conflict or you do what your partner says in order to keep peace or stay safe, then you are being emotionally abused. If you feel like you need to change your behavior in an attempt to stop the abuse, that is another sign.

Other signs of abuse within marriage include:

isolating a person from family and friends

not wanting their partner to work

refusing to give shared access, controlling finances, or refusing to share things

withholding affection as punishment

expecting their partner to ask permission

threatening harm to their partner, to children, or to other family members or pets

And now for the big one. I call it "the big one" because this is the place where I have witnessed and experienced the most emotional abuse. And I'm still hearing many examples of abuse in the workplace. Workplace bullying can involve intimidating, undermining, or humiliating a person in front of customers, in front of other employees or in private.

When a boss is emotionally abusive, I see that person as not very bright. There's no better way to encourage poor work performance than to abuse your workers. A smart boss will build up the self-esteem and self-worth of the team. 

 

Emotional abuse in the workplace may include:

criticizing or blaming someone for something invalid

treating an individual differently than others

swearing, shouting at, or humiliating a person

excluding or isolating someone

excessively monitoring a person, micromanaging them or setting unrealistic deadlines

I was hoping to finish this today, but instead I will make it a two-part post. There is sunshine calling my name outside and I'm going to soak it up. I will leave you on a positive note and pick this up in a few days. Here's a drawing my daughter did as a child. Even then, she knew what Mom likes.

                                                

PRIDE OR HUMILITY? WHICH DO YOU PRESENT?

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

The beauty of humility is the way it lifts up others as well as ourselves.

I've heard it said that you should never pray for humility because that's one prayer God loves to answer and you might not like the way He chooses to humble you. Another warning about humility is that you should never claim to have it. Nothing makes you look less humble than boasting about your humility. It's always best to let others point out your strengths instead of publicly doing that yourself. 

The definition of humility is "the quality or condition of having a modest sense of one's own importance." I can tell just by talking to people within a few minutes, whether or not they are humble. The clues are right there within the things they say. And if I get to know them better, I can also see clues in their actions. 

Humble people are teachable. They are usually good listeners and they have a teachable heart. That means that they can easily admit their wrongdoings, and they don't need to be right all the time. 

Many people are instantly insulted when someone corrects them. They become defensive. Instead of being thankful for any kind of constructive criticism, they go into defense mode and begin attacking the person who is probably trying to help them by calling them to something better. 

Disregarding the council of others is a sign of pride. We should always be open to someone's wisdom and their good guidance. Older people are often full of wise advice that we can learn from. 

But sometimes wisdom can come from someone younger. According to the Bible, we should not reject a younger person's wisdom because wisdom is a gift from God, and it's not unusual for even children to be extremely wise. 

Another sign of pride, which is the opposite of humility, is feeling the need to brag about your accomplishments, the many splendid things you own, or how successful you are at your job. I know a guy who often talked about his latest fancy car, the expensive restaurant he dined at last night, or the beautiful home he lived in. He was obviously trying to impress me with these things, but as Shania says, that don't impress me much. 

I've lived long enough to learn that when looking for a good guy, you must look at his heart and not his accomplishments. That beautiful house can't give you comfort when you're married to a man who so much needs to be admired by others. We should look for the sincerity in people and not be chasing after social status or material things.

If he's constantly name dropping and needing to hang out with the important influential people, then no matter how much you admire the guy, it won't be enough coming from just you. So expect him to always be out looking for the attention he craves. Living a low-key life and not needing people to adore you is the way God wants us to live. 

The word that keeps coming to me is "security." Humble people have a positive sense of self. They are content and secure about who they are and what God gave them. They don't need to play the comparison game by constantly comparing themselves to others and pointing out where they are doing better.

The best example of this I can think of is the way women relate to each other in the workplace. My friend is in a constant state of stress at work because she must deal with prideful women who are trying to outshine one another every day. These women just can't relax. They are constantly criticizing the quality of her work and setting impossible standards that she can't possibly reach. 

Women do this to satisfy their own egos. By making my friend look bad, they can feel better about themselves. Prideful people don't like to be outdone. They consider anyone who might beat their accomplishments as rivals and a threat to their position or success. It's a sad way to live. 

When someone needs to criticize the people who are doing better, that's an obvious clue that you're dealing with a prideful person. We should focus on improving ourselves, not on outshining everyone else. There is such a thing as a healthy competition, but competition is only healthy when we ultimately want the best for others as well as ourselves. 

If you are truly happy for those who are doing better than you, then you are a humble person. If you don't hesitate to hang out with "low-level" people, you can consider yourself humble. Humble people don't need to rub elbows with those who project high social status. And they don't hesitate to serve others in a humble way. Even picking up trash would be something a humble person would happily do. 

Humble people are also quick to forgive. They don't hang on to unforgiveness and resentment because they realize that they also have made big mistakes in life. They know that they do not have the right to stand up on a pedestal, as if they've never done wrong. 

But we have to be careful not to confuse humility with being a door mat. Even a humble person knows what healthy boundaries are and that it's okay to enforce those boundaries. The beauty of humility is the way it lifts up others as well as ourselves. If every one of us practiced humility, we wound not only be happier, but we would project that happiness onto others. 

This is the way God meant for us to live. Humility is God's love in action.

A BAD BATCH OF COMFORT

By Danelle Carvell

                                                

Bad advice can make a person's suffering worse

Is someone you know suffering? How can we possibly help someone who is hurting? What can we say that will bring them comfort? The Bible offers a great example of how to handle a person's suffering. It's a valuable teaching we can all learn from at a time when so many people are hurting deeply. 

One of the most popular Bible stories teaches us how to respond when someone we love is suffering.  A troubled man, Job, was told by three friends that the reason he was suffering was the result of sin in his life. This was not the right thing to say to Him. 

At the end of the book of Job, God directs his anger at the three friends for not speaking the truth about Job's situation. He asks Job to pray for them, and then God accepts the prayer instead of giving the misguided friends what their folly deserves.  

From this story we learn that evil can fall on righteous people just as fast as it falls on the wicked. God sometimes allows suffering in people's lives to accomplish a greater good. He works out His own purposes in His own time and He doesn't always protect us from suffering because a breakthrough often comes after extreme pain. 

The book of Job addresses our attitudes toward suffering people. It teaches us that our suffering is the result of living in a fallen world. Not all suffering is the result of a person's own sin.  The conversation between Job and his friends illustrates opposing ideas about suffering and the correct responses we should offer to hurting people.

Job's friends insisted that God only punishes the evildoer, so Job must have done something to deserve his suffering. Job was frustrated and angry, but he did not renounce God or deny Him. He was the perfect role model for a suffering person. Job questioned the hurtful situation without renouncing or denying God. 

I can't say that I have always responded to a suffering person in the right way. There have been times when I made things worse by giving stupid advice or offering criticism that made the person feel even more beat up. I'm not sure why we feel the need to do this. We really should know better. 

When someone is suffering. we need to be careful that we do not act as Job's friends did. They focused on what Job must have done to deserve his pain. They made his suffering worse by laying a guilt trip on him and suggesting that he deserved what he received. 

God often uses suffering to bring about good. But there's nothing good about making things worse by responding carelessly to people's pain. We are better off praying about the situation than giving hurtful advice to someone who is already hurting. 

When you are suffering or you know someone who is, read the final chapters of Job, beginning with chapter 38. God is our ultimate comforter. We can't always depend on friends and family for comfort.