By Danelle Carvell
All good things must come to an end, but I never experienced anything like the moment my daughter's wedding reception ended. All the chatter, laughing, dancing, music, energy and excitement came to an abrupt halt when the DJ announced that the last bus back to the motel was waiting in the parking lot.
We had guests from the other side of Pennsylvania, as well as guests from other states who flew in or drove a long way to get there...Texas, California, Hawaii. That's why we had a shuttle bus, to make things easier on them and to keep everyone safe.
But I was not prepared for our guests sudden departure. I felt like a deflated balloon, a feeling that lingered for days. We had no gradual goodbyes as the evening progressed. Everyone just disappeared, leaving an empty silence behind and the realization that the only thing left of that beautiful day is the memory of it.
I learned a lot from a year of planning my daughter Delaina's wedding, which was held at the most beautiful venue, The Stone Barn Farm and Vineyard in Selinsgrove, PA, on August 21, 2021. I'm sharing what I learned so you can apply these lessons and feel good about the memories you make on that much-anticipated day.
When Delaina started planning her wedding, I warned her that weddings tend to bring out the sensitivities in people. I knew that some people would feel left out and others would want too much control of the decisions. As the months progressed, she realized how right I was to warn her about that.
I won't go into the drama stories, I will just say that as the Mother-of-the-Bride, I told her that I would help with anything she needed and if she wanted my opinion on anything, I would gladly give it. "But this is your wedding," I said, "and every decision that is made belongs to you and your future husband."
My strategy worked very well because we didn't have one single disagreement during the entire year of planning her wedding. I stayed out of the way until she asked for my help, and I didn't push my opinions on her. It's a strategy that will undoubtedly work well for everyone involved in the bride and groom's special day.
FOCUS ON THE PEOPLE, NOT THE DETAILS
More than anything, a wedding is about people, and if you get caught up in worrying about the flowers, decorations and ceremony being perfect, you will miss the greatest reason why you are there.
That insightful advice was given to us at our Friday night rehearsal by our wonderful officiant, Chad. He said that something surely will go wrong tomorrow, so expect that and do not let it ruin the day. After hearing that, I turned to his wife and said, "I can see why you love that man." I was so impressed that he said that.
And he was right. Something did go wrong. Shortly before the ceremony was to start, we discovered that the youngest member of the bridal party, three-year-old Natalie, was missing her dress. After searching, it was assumed that the dress was left at her home, which was a good 45-minute drive one way. The wedding would not start on time if we waited to retrieve the dress.
Natalie's mom, my daughter-in-law, Rebekah, felt terrible about the situation, and she needed to know for sure that the dress was left behind, so she called her neighbor, Mariah, a mother of two boys, and asked her to look in her house for the dress.
"Well, at least I know where it is," Rebekah said when Mariah confirmed it was there.
"I can bring it to you," Mariah offered. "Send me the address."
"I was so thankful for my neighbor that day, and I made sure that she knew it," Rebekah said. "It drew us closer as moms and gave us a mutual understanding as neighbors that we need each other."
Thanks to her helpful neighbor, Natalie had her dress in time for the photos, but we had to come up with another plan for the ceremony. Our photographer suggested that we make a dress out of her robe, which was chosen by the bride as a gift. All of Delaina's bridesmaids got a wedding-colors robe to wear while getting ready for the ceremony.
Rebekah's mom, Cheryl, quickly went to work pinning the robe so it would stay closed in front and then added a pretty ribbon. I was amazed how quickly the problem was solved, but Rebekah was in tears, feeling like she let the bride down. I was happy to see her dancing and smiling later because Delaina was not upset about it. She wouldn't be my daughter if she had fussed over it. Some things just aren't worth getting shook about.
I have seen people get caught up in the material details of a wedding. They allow anything that goes wrong to become the focal point of the entire day and that is so shallow. A wedding is a celebration of the love between the bride and the groom. And people are the most important part of that celebration, not the food, not the flowers, not the dresses, the weather or anything else.
SPEND TIME WITH GUESTS YOU DON'T KNOW AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF
I am not a social butterfly. I'm good around those I already know, but I'm not one to work the room and greet new people. That was my husband fluttering around meeting all of the groom's Navy buddies while I stayed mostly with family and friends from high school.
Looking back, I regret not starting conversations with more of the guests I didn't know. Two particular guests impressed me when they walked up to me with compliments on my dress and introduced themselves. Their names are Carissa and Holly.
How I felt when those women did that made me realize later that as the Mother-of-the-Bride and official hostess for the day, I had the power to make our guests feel special by taking an interest and wanting to know them... and for the most part, I blew it.
If you are a future Mother-of-the Bride, maybe you're not thinking about your role as hostess. I didn't think about it until I googled "Mother-of-the-Bride duties" a week before the wedding. Even then, I couldn't see myself running around introducing people, and I later realized that really isn't necessary at a wedding. Our guests mingled well on their own.
But what I could have done was smile and make eye contact with all of the guests as I walked by. I also could have asked more of them if they were having a good time just to start a conversation. That wouldn't have been so difficult.
When people who know me read this, they will probably think that I'm too hard on myself. Maybe I am, but I hate missing opportunities to validate people's presence in a room. But a wedding can be overwhelming. There is so much going on, and I know I shouldn't beat myself up for not being the perfect hostess. That beautiful day held far too many fabulous moments for me to focus on my failures.
THINK ABOUT THE PHOTOS YOU WANT BEFORE THE WEDDING AND REQUEST THEM
I sobbed the day after the wedding for many reasons. One was because I didn't get a mother/daughter photo with the bride. I looked at all those beautiful photos of her with each individual member of the wedding party and felt cheated and overlooked.
I knew her first. I gave her life. I should have gotten a photo of just the two of us on that special day. I will never get that opportunity back.
I'm not blaming anyone. I didn't realize until later how much that photo would have meant. We worked so hard together for that day. Also contributing to my sobbing under the bed sheets for 20 minutes was the fact that she is the last to leave the nest, which is another reason for my "just the two of us" photo disappointment.
When our photographer released a "sneak peek" of the wedding photos, the only photo of just the two of us was a side shot of me buttoning the back of her dress. Her face isn't in the shot and only half my face is showing. It's a beautiful photo of a special moment, but a facing-front shot is what I missed.
So think about the photos you want now, and remind family members to stick around at whatever point photos are to be taken. If not, someone will be running around the venue tracking people down, which wastes time and disrupts your caterer's timing for serving the meal.
DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH BEFORE (OR AFTER) THE CEREMONY
I added this advice because our officiant told us a story of a bride who drank so much that she passed out in front of him right after she made it down the aisle. Imagine the memory of that?
Guests who drink too much can also ruin the day. I've heard stories about fights breaking out at weddings that left people physically hurt and bleeding. That's not a good memory for the bride and groom as they start a life together, and you don't want to be the guest that people tell wacky wedding stories about for years to come.
SAY "YES!" WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DANCE
Play any song with a good dance beat and I can't sit still. I feel sorry for people who won't or can't dance because, to me, it is so incredibly freeing and fun. It's a good workout that clears my head and makes me happy.
"Only when I'm dancing can I feel so free." are the words to a song by Madonna. Dance music from the 80's is my favorite. When Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody started to play at the reception, I ended a conversation mid-sentence and ran to the dance floor.
A wedding without dancing is just plain boring to me. The Bible says that there's "a time to dance" and we didn't hold back at my daughter's wedding. Our talented photographer, Stevie, got the most fabulous shot of Matron-of-Honor, Rachel and Groomsman, Sean air guitaring to the song Don't Stop Believing. I just love that photo. It is a joyful representation of the love and fun that was in that room as we celebrated.
I spent most of the night dancing with my best friend from high school, but eventually a few men asked me to dance. I turned down the first request and immediately regretted it. In the back of my mind I had slight concerns that my husband wouldn't like it. But I did dance with one of the groomsmen. He tried to teach me to two-step, and I was terrible at it, but when I got the steps right it was incredibly fun.
I later learned that he asked for permission to dance with me and my husband was okay with it. Well, never again will I turn down a dance request due to shyness or concern for my husband. I'm done with that. It's not like I was in a lip-lock with these men or bumping and grinding up against them.
I wouldn't care if my husband danced with another woman. The only way it would bother me is if she was visibly flirting with him. Then I can see the problem someone might have with it. Otherwise, I see no reason to be bothered by it.
You might disagree, but I think we limit our fun and miss out on getting to know people when we live by rigid rules such as married people can only dance with each other. The truth is that someday we will all be dancing together in Heaven and there will be no such thing as envy or jealousy. So we may as well get some practice in right here, right now.
In closing, I will say that my daughter's wedding holds some of the most precious memories of my life. Going with her to find a dress, looking at wedding venues, being elated by how much I loved my dress when the package arrived, planning her bridal shower with her adorable bridesmaids, Sunday craft days at her Aunt Dee's when we created most of the decorations, and enjoying seeing her so happy as she perfected every detail of her wedding and reception...I so much enjoyed the past year. I want to relive every moment. And that's how we should feel when that beautiful day ends.
