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| I no longer let the haters affect me. I know now what's causing the hate, and it has nothing to do with me. It's about their own unhealed traumas, |
By Danelle Carvell
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| Social media was not a thing in the seventies, and I wouldn't change a thing. |
Why do I always feel better when I take a break from social media? There was a time when social media didn't exist, but today, many people can't get through a day without it. But is it really good for us? Are there better things we could be doing with our time?
Growing evidence is being presented about the negative impact of social media on mental health. The US Surgeon General, Dr Vivek Murthy recently issued an advisory about the harmful effects of social media use among children and teens, including depression, anxiety, and sleep problems.
"Children are exposed to harmful content on social media, ranging from violent and sexual content, to bullying and harassment. And for far too many children, social media use is compromising their sleep and valuable in-person time with family and friends." said Murthy.
I was just saying to my husband yesterday that I would not want to be growing up in today's world. We were eating ice cream while sitting across from the place where Jim spent much of his childhood. It is now a fenced-in patch of grass, but when he was a kid, it was the Elizabethville swimming pool.
He told me that my childhood, growing up in Pillow, must have been boring because our town didn't have a pool. I argued that I wasn't bored ever. I had a sand box. We had horses at one time. I created board games. I pested my dad until he bought us a good-sized above ground swimming pool. Then the neighbor kids really showed up.
Our town friends, my siblings and I played games in the back yard. Some of them were original games we made up. I recall a game we called "Koogle," but I don't remember exactly how it was played, other than the wooden markers we placed around the yard, which we ran to when our turn came up. It was a weird form of baseball.
We did mischievous things like soap the windows of houses and cars around Halloween. We would sneak into the corn field and swipe a bunch of cobs, then bring them into our barn where we would sit around a big tub and shell the kernels off until our fingers were sore.
The neighbor kids were there to help because they, too, would use that supply of hard, dried kernels to throw against the doors and windows of our neighbor's homes during Trick-or-Treat week. A handful of corn forcefully propelled against a window makes quite a racket, and probably made people jump as they relaxed toward evening. Sometimes people would yell at us from their front doors and we would hide in a bush, holding back the laughter. The smart neighbors ignored us and we eventually left them alone.
We also did things like kicking out the street lights when they came on. We spent a lot of time in a certain mulberry bush when the berries were ripe. We had creeks to play in, a basketball court that also served as a tennis court, a playground with a dangerously-high sliding board, and lots of critters to collect such as tadpoles, frogs and lightning bugs.
We had bikes, scooters, hoola hoops, wagons, pogo-sticks, jump ropes, sidewalk chalk, jacks, and trees to climb. When it rained hard, we had huge puddles in our yard big enough to float a raft on. During winter the ponds would freeze at the end of town and ice skates were on every kid's Christmas list. The highlight of each year was the Pillow Carnival and we never missed watching the ferris wheel go up.
I'm glad I didn't have a phone back then. I'm grateful that I got through high school without the distraction of social media. We had real conversations with people who paid attention instead of scrolling. We spent our time being creative, being physically active and forming friendships in-person. I truly believe that my childhood would have been completely different if social media were a thing back then. My growing-up years would not have been better.
Social media has transformed the social lives of girls especially. They have put themselves onto platforms that prioritize social comparison and performance. Ninety-five percent of teens use social media for at least two hours a day. Mental health problems are worse among teen girls since the start of social media. There has been a marked rise in female high school students contemplating suicide.
An epidemic of mental illness began among American teens and teens around the world in the early 2010s'. That is the same year that the first smartphone with a front-facing camera came out. So within the following years, teen girls spent hours each day posting photos of themselves on Facebook and Instagram. They also spent time scrolling through the carefully-edited photos of other girls.
This constant comparison of ourselves with the appearances, performances and accomplishments of others is not a healthy thing to focus on daily. Unless you are grounded in the Lord and know who you are in Christ, you can easily be negatively affected by all that, especially if you are a child.
We waited longer than most people do to give our daughter a phone. We knew that once she had one, there would be no going back. But it's hard to explain to a child the things you are trying to protect her from. She sees only that you are depriving her of contact with her friends, not realizing how that could actually be a good thing. We really don't need to be in constant contact with anyone, except God.
And that is why I often put my phone in a drawer and don't pay much attention to it. There have been many days when I spent way too much time on Facebook. And I felt myself being affected by it in negative ways. I couldn't get the work done that I should have been accomplishing in a day, and I found myself comparing my life to the lives of other people, often feeling cheated or living a boring life in comparison.
I was allowing the enemy to distract me by the success of other people. I was focusing too much on their lives. Social media pulls my mind into unhealthy directions, and I need to get away from it at times to get my focus back on what truly matters in life.
So if you've been feeling blue lately or feeling like you need a change or you need something more exciting...If you feel unsatisfied with your life in any way, maybe what you need is a break from social media. Go outside and enjoy the beauty of God's creation. Plan to meet a friend for coffee and let your phone in your handbag.
Make it more of a habit to put your phone away and pay attention to the people and the things happening around you. When your face is in your phone, you miss what God wanted you to notice...things that would have refreshed your mind and brought peace to your soul. All those special moments in life that inspire us, have meaning, make us laugh, bring us joy and feed our souls can be easily missed if we let ourselves be distracted by screen time.
The good stuff in life happens off-screen, so step back into your own life and feed your soul.
By Danelle Carvell
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| Sometimes we need isolation and silence. And sometimes we don't |
Yesterday was the first I posted anything since April. I believed that God was leading me into a time of rest in preparation for something bigger. I kept hearing confirmation that I should just rest from my blog posts and focus on prayer and reading His word.
Then yesterday I looked at my blog stats and saw that 10,000 people had viewed my posts within this month alone. That amount of page views in a couple weeks has never happened. I was shocked and didn't know what to do with this new turnaround.
My last attempt to post something on this blog back in April was stopped by a complete disappearance of all my hard work on the topic of people who claim that they've been to Heaven. I was fascinated by the similarities in their stories and I had spent hours on the piece before it disappeared from my screen. I took that as a final confirmation that I was supposed to step away from my keyboard.
Today in my prayer devotional I read an entry titled, "The Power of Voice." It was today's reading in the monthly devotional, Our Daily Bread.
"We all possess the capacity to use our voice to inspire and help others," is what I read today. I was encouraged to trust God by saying and doing whatever He commands. And when I ask God how He wants to use me, He will equip me to carry out His purpose. And with His help, I can boldly use my voice to make a positive impact on those around me.
So I guess I'm back from my time of rest. And from now on, I will be asking God what He wants me to say instead of deciding for myself what the next topic will be. I am constantly learning how I am supposed to follow Him. Maybe my time away from blogging was set aside for me as a time of learning.
I have been learning about controlling my tongue. I have been learning to pray before confronting a situation. I have been learning about how wrong it is to make a judgment about a person or situation before knowing all the details. I have been learning about allowing people to have emotions and how sometimes people react to things because of a past hurt that resurfaced in that moment.
I have been learning about the importance of communication, because if I don't communicate, then people don't understand my thinking in a situation. They don't understand why I responded that way. They don't understand why I was confused about something. They don't understand why a certain comment hit me so hard. They don't understand why a certain situation shook me to my core.
Every experience I have ever had in life is walking around with me every day because I have memories. You have those same memories that influence the way you respond to people and situations. This is why we need to share what we are thinking when a problem arises.
People who don't share their thinking during a conflict run the risk of being misunderstood. They run the risk of appearing cold and uncaring. They run the risk of a damaged relationship that could have easily been restored by communication.
Words have so much power. And sometimes we fail to use our words to influence those around us for the better. We need to rely on God's strength and wisdom to speak up. Ask Him to put the right words into your mouth. Ask Him what to say in order to defuse a situation that has become stressful.
God reminded me today that He wants me to use my voice to bring about positive change. What can you say today that could bring about a positive change in a broken relationship? What words could you say that would remove the tension from a stressful situation?
The power of voice is the power of encouragement, inspiration, and restoration. The Bible tells us that death and life are in the power of our words. So speak life. Silence doesn't fix anything.
By Danelle Carvell
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| We are living in challenging times that are destroying relationships. |
I have days when I feel consumed with troubling thoughts. The same concerns play over and over in my head until I want to take my head off and give myself a break. The real solution to this problem is not taking my head off, but taking my concerns to God in prayer.
My latest book purchase has been such a blessing to me. I haven't seen anything like it when it comes to prayer books because of the way it is organized according to specific life problems. Today I was drawn to the chapter on relational conflicts. And after saying the prayers, I'm feeling that peace the Bible talks about that awaits those who seek God and spend time in prayer.
I know that many people right now are having conflicts within their relationships. Life is difficult because of financial pressures and the chaotic things that are happening in our world. Feeling optimistic about the future is challenging when so many things appear to be hopeless. And this tension causes our relationships to suffer.
But God is the only one who can change people, and this has been a hard lesson for me to learn lately. I can voice my opinion when I sense problems among people, but those problems cannot be resolved by my words. Prayer is the only thing that will bring resolution and restored relationships.
The first thing I need when a problem arises is the ability to judge that problem correctly. A good starter prayer when you begin to sense a relational conflict is this:
"Help me to see beyond appearances, Lord. Stop me when I start presuming to understand when there may be things I don't see or comprehend. Give me a heart of wisdom to respond rightly and assume the best and not the worst."
The above prayer is on page 143 of Wanda Alger's book, and every prayer I put in quotation marks is also from her book. A clear and true perspective of the problem is important so we know how to pray about it and so we don't falsely assume and wrongly accuse. We should also ask the Lord to expose sins or strongholds in our own life that is blinding us to the truth.
A second thing you should consider when a conflict arises is any part you might have played in the problem. Sometimes fights and quarrels with people are the result of our own desires that battle within ourselves. We are warned of this in James 4:1
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?"
And sometimes you might take things the wrong way and harbor offense about an insult that wasn't intended as such. In order to have a clear conscience and cleanse your heart and mind, you should pray for a renewed desire to walk in purity of heart and integrity towards others:
"Holy Spirit, show me if there is anything in my own heart that is causing offense or bitterness... I repent of any jealousy and covetousness that is stirring up my frustration...I choose to walk in the spirit and not according to my flesh."
Once you have reached the point where you know the problem is exactly as it appears and it has not been caused by anything within yourself, then you are free to express your concerns. But even here you need to be very careful, because this is where most people really mess up in my opinion. This is where I mess up myself.
When someone pushes my buttons, my first instinct is not to offer a soft, gentle answer as I smile and graciously suggest a peaceful resolution. I don't know anyone who does that, but that is what I should strive for:
"Give me the right words to say to diffuse any anger and hostility in this conflict. May we seek peace in resolving the issues and relate in a way that invites your presence and power, bringing us through in unity."
When we feel attacked, words like patience, kindness and self-control are far from our minds. We want to prove our point and defend ourselves. We want to list the wrongs that were done to us and tell all our friends about it. We don't want to respect the thoughts and ideas of our offenders, and we don't care about their perspective on what happened.
Proverbs 16:7 says, When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone's ways, He causes their enemies to make peace with them.
I should strive to respond to conflict in a way that is pleasing to God, so that even those who oppose me will desire peace. God understands righteous anger. Even Jesus displayed anger. But we can't stay angry. And we have to be good listeners, willing to hear the other side before interrupting them and shutting them down.
If ever there is a time for unconditional love, it is when you are at the receiving end of being torn apart by people:
"Keep me close to your heart so that I will act with love, compassion and forbearance. Especially for those who attack me, may your favor and blessing rest upon me with such power and protection, it stops the attacks and dissolves the conflict altogether."
So after we have expressed our hurts and patiently listened to the offender's side of the conflict, what is the next step? This is where we need to maintain the right attitude because conflicts can take time to be resolved and sometimes they are not resolved. We must walk through the conflict with a right heart and a right spirit toward those we disagreed with.
Ephesians 4:31 is a good scripture to focus on, and the prayer in Alger's book is this:
Lord, forgive me for any bitterness or anger against my brother or sister. I choose to forgive them for any offense and release them to you. I know you will honor my obedience and intervene on my behalf. Show me how to move forward with kindness and compassion so that you can resolve our conflicts in a godly way."
Sometimes we want to prove our point and defend our case more than we want to bring resolution. "We should strive to respond to conflict in a way that closes the door to the enemy and opens the way for God to bring clarity out of the chaos," Alger said. And sometimes the best way to do that is to walk away:
"Show me if and when it is time to walk away from a disagreement in order to maintain peace."
For those who feel the need to seek advice about relational conflicts as they are waiting for a resolution, the Bible offers much wisdom. We can share our disputes with others if those people love the Lord:
"Father, help me to take my issues with another brother or sister to proper spiritual insight. I desire to seek your counsel and the wisdom from fellow believers first and foremost. Guide my pastors and church leaders in helping me resolve the issues so we can invite the power of your spirit to bring peace and unity."
We cannot be totally clean before God if we are in conflict with someone else. We should pray for a heart that seeks peace more than retribution. We should pray for help in going directly to those who have hurt us when that is possible. And we should pray that everyone involved will have a heart of compassion towards one another and pursue peace and restoration for the sake of all.
I find myself lately needing to clean up my act and get closer to God, and it's hard for me to remember that I can't force others to do the same. I need to refrain from lecturing and let God work on them. But I know there are times when God chooses to speak through me in order to guide others in His direction. I can only pray for the wisdom to discern when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak.
Only God can change a heart. And that is why we pray for changed hearts and restored relationships. And as we are obedient, He is faithful to exalt us.
"Lord, Remind me that my prayers will be hindered if my heart harbors resentment or unforgiveness towards another...Remind me of the blessings that come from resolving conflicts your way."
By Danelle Carvell
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| We store up treasures in many ways. We even put them on display. But the most important and most lasting thing about treasure is where you store it. |
The Bible is filled with symbolism and words that have a much deeper meaning than what we first comprehend. Sometimes we have to dig deeper to learn the true meaning of a scripture.
For example, Matthew 6:20 says, "But store up your treasures in Heaven, where moth, rust and vermin do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal."
When most people hear the word "treasure" they instantly think about something that is worth money. So they assume that storing up treasure on earth would mean doing things that build wealth. But there is a deeper meaning to the word treasure. A treasure is not just about money and wealth.
The biblical meaning of treasure is anything that you value; precious things that are important to you; even treasured thoughts that are stored up in your heart and mind.
So what are some ways that we store up treasures on Earth rather than storing up treasures in Heaven? I've been asking for examples so I can write this post. I will start with the examples that I was led to today.
A better way to live each day is to ask Holy Spirit to guide you moment by moment. A successful day is not accomplishing everything on your list. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with God and talked to him about every aspect of your day. Even if things remain undone at the end of the day, you can feel good about what you accomplished because you surrendered the day to Him.
When we plow through the day looking to our own ideas and preferences instead of asking God for guidance, we store up treasures on Earth. When we are too focused on checking off a to-do list, we miss things and people that God wants us to pay attention to that day.
We must allow for interruptions in each day. Because that interruption could be a divine appointment that he wants you to keep. Don't be so driven that your only goal is to accomplish the task at hand. Ask God to take charge and then welcome any surprises he brings, even the unpleasant ones.
By Danelle Carvell
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| Sometimes the only way to get the people we love back into our lives is to fess up and apologize. |
I've had it on the back burner to write a part 2 to that post because there are times when we should not overlook a person's words or actions. Sometimes the right thing to do is to call out the bad behavior and to stand your ground in doing so.
What actually inspired me to write that post last summer was my own big mouth moment, and it was so bad that I hate to bring it up again. I wrote the post to inspire forgiveness when people mess up with their words. But I knew that my big mouth moment could not be swept under the rug. What came out of my mouth was not a misunderstanding or a slip of the tongue. It was a major mistake that was extremely hurtful. And I knew I had to face the music.
We live in a culture that has become very good at making excuses for bad behavior. People don't want to admit their mistakes and they are too easily given a pass by a society that no longer acknowledges what's right and wrong. If you do have the courage to call someone out, you will most likely be met with opposition because no one wants to rock the boat today and no one wants to confront a bully.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to think the best of people and wanting to look for possible reasons why they act the way they do. It's wise to give people the benefit of the doubt. But even if someone is under stress mentally, physically or emotionally, that is not an excuse to mistreat people. Their own personal stresses do not give people the right to be hostile to others.
I recently had to apologize to someone for the way I spoke to him during a very stressful situation. I was at my wits end with worrying about someone's well-being. I was being pumped full of worst case scenarios if I didn't handle the situation properly. And I was severely lacking sleep. So I snapped.
It took me a while to realize that what I needed to do was admit that I messed up and offer a real apology. And that is what finally brought healing and forgiveness. If I had ignored the whole thing or offered some dumb excuse without an apology, then I would not have received forgiveness and restored the relationship.
Why is it so hard for us to admit our mistakes? Why is it so hard to say, "That was wrong. I should not have done that. I'm sorry" How many relationships could be restored if we could just humble ourselves and fess up to our mess ups?
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| The people you invite to your table have a big effect on your evening |
By Danelle Carvell
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| I'm always amazed how my devotionals will offer just the right encouragement on just the right day. It is one of the ways God speaks to me. He knows what I'm going through and He wants to uplift me. I'm spending this week as somewhat of a recluse. I feel the need to step away from all the things that are going on around me so I can absorb myself in God, saturate myself in His love, and learn more about His ways. It's the best answer when I need to refresh my mind from troubling thoughts and feel joyful energy again. Today, as I was sitting at my desk, something caught my eye outside my bedroom window. My front yard was alive with activity as about 30 birds hopped around in a feeding frenzy, pulling worms out of the withered grass and gulping them down. This cheerful sight lasted about five minutes and included three sightings of a beautiful red cardinal. The sight of those birds filled me with immediate joy because birds are one of the many ways that God speaks to me. By faith, I received that happy gathering at my bedroom window as a reminder of God's love. He sent a whole group of feathered friends to cheer me up, and it couldn't have come at a better time. It was my second group bird hug in a month. God has me on His mind because this year has not been good to me so far. I plan to share much more about the ways God speaks to me in a future post. Today I want to focus on how God speaks through my devotionals and what I read today that inspired me to write this post. "When you're a daughter of God, you have so much to offer others. You're like a good book waiting to be read. The pages are filled with stories of what the Lord has done--how He's rescued you from sin, set your feet in high places, and given you hope and a future. Share your faith by sharing those stories with others. You'll leave them begging for the next chapter." The above paragraph was what I read today in my devotional, Everyday Spiritual Refreshment for Women. After I read it, I sensed that God wanted me to share a story. So I pondered the many stories I could share. When did God set my feet in high places? It didn't take long for me to think of three times when He did that. When I was a single mother after my divorce, I was asked to be a staff writer for the Citizen Standard newspaper in Valley View. This invitation came after I sent some writing samples to the editor and they published some of my work. This new job made a big difference in my life. I had been working as a waitress at The Valley Inn and I did like that job, but my income wasn't great. Soon after I started working at the newspaper I bought a new car, a pretty blue Cavalier, which has been my favorite car. Unfortunately a lady pulled out in front of me at an intersection in Halifax and my car was totaled. But that's another story. During my time at the Citizen Standard, I made some great friends and I met so many people when I went out to cover stories. The only thing that held me back was my lack of confidence. I had so much to learn about writing for a newspaper and working with a team of creative people who strived to produce a weekly paper that we could be proud of. When I was given a column that I titled, Life Lightly Salted, God set my feet in a high place. I used that platform to encourage people and to inspire them to make good life decisions. And then along came an offer to be a secretary at DCEMA, where the Dauphin County 911 calls come in. It was a bigger paycheck, so I left the paper and became a secretary. The second time God set my feet in a high place was when I wrote for The Upper Dauphin Sentinel. I was given the freedom to write a series of articles about creative people. The artist series featured musicians, dancers, art teachers and artists from our local community. I loved that gig. And it earned me two Keystone Press Awards two years in a row. That's when I felt that I had finally arrived as a writer. I took my son with me to the awards banquet because I had dragged him back and forth to the day care at HACC as a boy, while I was studying for a degree in print journalism. The award was a nod to both of us that the stress of those days had been worth the effort. And the final time that God set my feet in high places was when I became a speaker through the Lykens Valley Women's Connection. I was invited to be president of LVWC by someone who was stepping down from the position. That led to my time as a speaker for Stonecroft Ministries, which required a lot of travel. I absolutely hate traveling and the panic of being lost, not knowing where the heck I'm going. I had to depend totally on Him to give me the courage and to get me at the right place on time. It was a lesson in faith and stepping out of my comfort zone. I learned that some of the greatest, most rewarding experiences happen outside the comfort zone. If you want to grow in your walk with God, get yourself a good devotional and be faithful about reading it daily. God will use it to encourage you and remind you of all the times that He opened a door, rescued you from sin, set your feet in high places and gave you a future and a hope. A devotional is one of the many ways that God speaks to us. Often the reason we don't hear God is because we are not looking for Him and we don't take the time to listen. He doesn't come into our lives without an invitation. But when He's invited, your life will never be the same. Be prepared for your feet to be set in high places. |
By Danelle Carvell
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| When we feel beaten down, all we can think about is escaping to any place but here. |
Emotional abuse has become an epidemic. In my last post, I talked about abuse that takes place in relationships--both marital and pre-marital. And I discussed abuse in the workplace and parental abuse directed toward children.
I will begin part two by adding to the list of previously mentioned signs of emotional abuse. Go back and read part one to grasp a more complete list. Here are more signs that I haven't mentioned yet:
using weapons as a means of threatening
telling a partner they will not find anyone better and they are lucky to be with them.
attempting to control a partner's appearance
serially cheating on a partner and then blaming them for the behavior
making false accusations of cheating
destroying a partner's property
demanding to know where a partner is at every moment
Being emotionally abused in this way has many short-term effects on the brain and body. Your mental and physical health can be affected in the following ways:
anxiety
shame
fear
confusion
guilt
a feeling of hopelessness and having no power to change things
frequent crying
moodiness
aches and pains or muscle tension
difficulty concentrating
The long-term effects of emotional abuse include:
loss of a sense of self
doubting your self-worth and your abilities
depression
anxiety
substance misuse
chronic pain
Children who are emotionally abused will often display effects of the abuse such as:
developmental delays
learning disabilities
wetting pants or the bed
speech disorders
health problems such as ulcers or skin conditions
weight fluctuation or obesity
extreme emotions
anxiety
sleep problems
social withdrawal
becoming overtly compliant or defensive
inappropriate behavior for their age
destructive or anti-social behavior
suicidal thoughts or behaviors
It is common for emotional abused people to turn physically violent. People who endure abuse as a child or in a relationship may have difficulties with many aspects of life, especially in new relationships. Abused children can develop attachment disorders and are likely to engage in toxic behaviors.
Adults who were abused as children are more likely to develop chronic health problems such as eating disorders, headaches, heart disease, mental health issues, obesity and substance use disorders.
Emotional abuse can lead to PTSD. High levels of stress or fear over a long period of time can interfere with your daily functioning. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not only for soldiers coming home from a war.
People are battling wars in every part of their lives-- at work and at home. I believe that very few people get through life without experiencing some type of emotional abuse. If the abuse is bad enough, it can destroy a person's ability to create positive social and romantic relationships in later life.
One thing you can't do is blame yourself. No type of abuse is acceptable. There is no excuse for abusing someone. It's not something that someone ever deserves.
You can never do something to deserve being abused. Shame is not something you should be dealing with on top of everything else. It's important to get support from family, friends, Christian counselors, church members or support groups to overcome any feelings of self-blame.
Removing yourself from the abuse would be the ideal way of healing from it, but sometimes that is not immediately possible. If you feel trapped in an abusive situation, you could avoid engaging with the abuser by keeping a neutral facial expression and neutral body language.
Abusers like to provoke a response and if you don't give them one, it could make things easier for you. Any way that you can create distance and avoid communication with the person takes some pressure off you and gives you some peace.
An abused person might reach a point where they go along with anything the abuser wants in order to keep peace. But they might also feel like they will crack if they don't put up some boundaries and escape the constant assault on their mental health.
Emotional abuse messes with your self-esteem, so standing up for yourself can be difficult. An emotionally abused person can feel so beaten down that they are not able to set boundaries. They allow themselves to become door mats and feel no sense of power to stop the abuse.
I recently pointed out to a friend that she was letting people walk all over her. She was being mistreated by her family. I encouraged her to stand up for herself and set some boundaries by saying, "I will no longer come around if you continue to treat me so disrespectfully."
She admitted that she allows people to abuse her. She was emotionally abused as a child and the scars from that abuse are still with her. She lost her sense of self-worth, and now as an adult she's not able to stand her ground and protect herself from bullies.
An abused person might go the complete opposite direction and become totally intolerant to even the slightest mistreatment. What happens in this situation is post traumatic stress disorder. Any reminder of that past abuse causes all the pain and emotions to resurface.
When someone mistreats an emotionally abused person, that person feels the need for protection and escape. This is why some people can't tolerate working for a mean boss. Or they can't tolerate living with someone who is any kind of a bully.
The abused person simply can't take another hit because they've already been pushed to the point of exhaustion. And they remember the horrible place they were in when the abuse was at its worst. To endure further abuse is not something they can handle, so they go into full-blown protective mode in an attempt to shield themselves from another beating.
Another thing that happens with abused people is they become overly sensitive to the possible abuse of others. Being very perceptive to people's emotions, they instantly question why that person is reacting that way. They wonder if the negative reaction is caused by someone abusing them. They feel the need to protect others because they themselves have experienced the pain of abuse.
I believe you would be shocked by the amount of people you know that have experienced emotional abuse. It's not something people talk about freely. They hide it even from people close to them because of the shame of it or because they feel no power to stop it. Or maybe they think people won't believe them. Or maybe they are silently blaming themselves.
Emotionally abused people can find themselves in a very lonely place. And that is why I wrote this. To help them find a way out of the pain by letting them know that they are not alone. They are not crazy. They deserve so much better. God does not want any of His children to be abused. Abuse happens when people reject God and the love He commands us to grant one another.
By Danelle Carvell
If everyone could be as encouraging as a Dove chocolate wrapper, I wouldn't need to write this.
Abuse comes in many forms. It can be physical or mental. But there's a form of abuse that can be hard to recognize when we witness it, and it can be hard to step away from too. Even the person being abused might question what is happening. I'm talking about emotional abuse.
The information for this post is taken from an article titled, "What Are the Short and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse," which I found at healthline.com
I have no doubt that some people reading this are right now experiencing emotional abuse. Or maybe it happened to them in the past. I decided to write this because I'm hearing more and more about this type of abuse, and I know people who are dealing with it. Understanding what they are dealing with is a giant step toward breaking free of the abuse and finding their path toward healing.
According to the article mentioned above, if you're wondering whether emotional abuse is happening to you, here are some of the signs:
yelling
name-calling
spewing insults or ridiculing you
attempting to make you question your own sanity (gaslighting)
invading your privacy
punishing you for not going along with what they want
trying to control your life
isolating you from family and friends
making subtle or overt threats
Within the above list is the word gaslighting. This word is being used more frequently than ever before because emotional abuse has become an epidemic. Gaslighting is a tactic for manipulating someone in a way that makes them question their own reality.
I have experienced this kind of abuse myself and I can tell you that it's like having a conversation with the devil. You can't win no matter how you respond, and you end up feeling beaten down. Or you walk away wondering if the person is right about you. The goal of gaslighting is to get you so confused that you begin to question yourself--"Am I the one with the problem?"
Go back and read over the above list. If you are being treated this way, you can be sure that the problem is NOT you. What's happening to you is emotional abuse.
At this point I should mention a second article that contributed to my information on this topic. "What Are the Effects of Emotional Abuse?" at medicalnewstoday.com is a good read if you wish to do further research.
I'm including four types of emotional abuse in this post--parental, marital, workplace and abuse within our relationships. During our lives, we encounter many potential sources of abuse, which include parents, co-workers, romantic partners, friends and colleagues. The abuse can also come from family members, and that source of abuse might be the hardest to endure and recover from.
Parents can be abusive. Some signs of emotional abuse toward children include:
rejecting or ignoring a child
telling a child they are unloved or unwanted
not showing or returning affection
shaming, belittling or humiliating a child
bullying or threatening a child
yelling or screaming at a child
isolating or confining a child from positive experiences
engaging a child in illicit or criminal acts
calling a child names
negatively comparing a child with others
A boyfriend or girlfriend can also be abusive. I have friends who went through this type of abuse and I have experienced it myself. The fallout is always the same. The abused person feels like nothing he or she does is ever right.
Constant criticism is the norm. It's not unusual to even feel scared in the relationship. If the abuse continues for a long time, it can eat away at a person's self-esteem to the point where they believe that they deserve the abuse.
Here's the list of signs that you are being abused by your partner:
The abusive behavior is blamed on you, maybe by saying, "You are the reason I am acting like this!"
being overly jealous or possessive
being upset when a partner spends time alone or with other people
pressuring a person into sexual activity
controlling a partner's actions or monitoring their phone and emails
gaslighting
stalking
threatening to harm their partner or themselves if a partner leaves
humiliating or intentionally embarrassing a partner
belittling a partner, calling them names or putting them down
Once married, the list is pretty much the same. And being married does not give anyone a right to be abusive. Nor does being married mean that you must tolerate such abuse. If you try to avoid conflict or you do what your partner says in order to keep peace or stay safe, then you are being emotionally abused. If you feel like you need to change your behavior in an attempt to stop the abuse, that is another sign.
Other signs of abuse within marriage include:
isolating a person from family and friends
not wanting their partner to work
refusing to give shared access, controlling finances, or refusing to share things
withholding affection as punishment
expecting their partner to ask permission
threatening harm to their partner, to children, or to other family members or pets
And now for the big one. I call it "the big one" because this is the place where I have witnessed and experienced the most emotional abuse. And I'm still hearing many examples of abuse in the workplace. Workplace bullying can involve intimidating, undermining, or humiliating a person in front of customers, in front of other employees or in private.
When a boss is emotionally abusive, I see that person as not very bright. There's no better way to encourage poor work performance than to abuse your workers. A smart boss will build up the self-esteem and self-worth of the team.
Emotional abuse in the workplace may include:
criticizing or blaming someone for something invalid
treating an individual differently than others
swearing, shouting at, or humiliating a person
excluding or isolating someone
excessively monitoring a person, micromanaging them or setting unrealistic deadlines
I was hoping to finish this today, but instead I will make it a two-part post. There is sunshine calling my name outside and I'm going to soak it up. I will leave you on a positive note and pick this up in a few days. Here's a drawing my daughter did as a child. Even then, she knew what Mom likes.
