If your family is in turmoil and broken, watch this video for inspiration and hope. No family member is ever too far gone when someone is praying for them. We need to rise up and become the spiritual warriors that God needs in this hour. You could be your family's only hope for restoration. Never give up!
Showing posts with label MARRIAGE/ FAMILY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MARRIAGE/ FAMILY. Show all posts
Saturday, December 30, 2023
Monday, March 26, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
LIES ABOUT HOMEMAKING
She calls them myths, I call them lies. Homemakers are smart. They know how to make the most of what they have and they're learning all those basic skills that have been passed down for generations...skills that working women don't have time to bother with (gardening, canning, cooking from scratch, making homemade cleaners, sewing, baking, etc.). Saving money and making money isn't just for career women. There's money to be made right at home and a lot of money to be saved (Like gas money).
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4lB6Vo/raisinghomemakers.com/2011/hannah-hagarty-dispelling-myths-about-homemaking/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4lB6Vo/raisinghomemakers.com/2011/hannah-hagarty-dispelling-myths-about-homemaking/
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
MY INSIGHTFUL WEEKEND
By Danelle Carvell
I spent the weekend at a friend's house. We lounged by her pool and chatted about our families, the world's problems, and the mystery of making marriage work. We agreed that men don't talk enough, and when they do say something it's not what we want to hear. We also came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity is what drives negative behavior. For example, a chronic complainer feels the need to criticize others because of his own deep fears and insecurities. By criticizing others he makes himself feel better. If everyone else is inadequate, then he doesn't feel so bad about himself.
For two people who were raised differently with different values and ideas about life to be put together and expected to live in harmony is a huge undertaking. Few couples are up for the challenge and many throw in the towel when things get messy. Each person comes into the marriage with certain expectations and when those expectations aren't met, a certain dissatisfaction develops on one or both sides and a couple becomes more and more distant. We begin to regret even marrying in the first place.
The thing that I question is why we put such impossibly high standards on each other. Why is it okay for us to expect so much from our spouse and yet we are not willing to give that person what they need to feel fulfilled. We focus on every little thing that person isn't doing and we don't realize how little we are doing to make that person feel loved. Do we even know what our spouse wants or needs? Do we make an effort to give the one we promised to love honor and cherish anything to indicate that we do love honor and cherish them? And do we express appreciation for the things they do for us?
Women don't feel loved and men don't feel respected. Those are the number one complaints of couples. And the number one complaint of children in the marriage is that they don't receive gentle loving kindness and their parent's attention. They are spoken to harshly and treated like inconveniences. They don't feel appreciated. When they do something to help around the house, they are belittled for not doing it right. They begin to feel like they can't do anything right and they wonder why they were even born. They openly say things like, "I wish I never would have been born. Why did my parents have me if they didn't want me?"
It really is sad the way we treat each other. The one place where we are supposed to feel safe and loved becomes the one place where we feel the least appreciated. We think that we're doing a good job taking care of everyone and then someone says something that feels like a knife to the heart. Harsh words spoken carelessly chisel a wound so deep we feel like giving up. Nothing is ever good enough for those who place impossibly high standards on the ones they love. The house is never clean enough. There's never enough money. Dinner could have been better. Our minds are always on the negative. We just can't be grateful for what we have. We can't express appreciation. We can only complain.
Before Ann Voskamp wrote One Thousand Gifts, she was challenged by a friend to write out one thousand things that she is grateful for. This challenge took on a life of its own as Ann began to see the beauty in everything. She stood at the sink washing dishes and would marvel at the colors radiating from her soap bubbles. She dropped everything she was doing one night before dinner to go outside and soak in the warm light and amazement of a rising full moon. She even got excited about cheese.
Why is it so hard for us to appreciate? Why do we always want more? Why can't we look at the ones we love and realize that they're doing the best they can? Why can't we be thankful for the things and people God brought into our lives? Why must we always focus on what's wrong with everything and everyone around us? If we changed our attitudes and instead focused on what we have to be grateful for, would we become more content? I guess the only way to find out is to try. Ann Voskamp accepted the challenge. She discovered the joy of being grateful and wrote a book about it.
The invitation to thankfulness is waiting. How many of us will open our eyes and see the blessings we've been given? What will it take for us to truly appreciate each other? Will our loved ones have to die before we realize their good qualities? And are we truly living if we can't appreciate them?
I spent the weekend at a friend's house. We lounged by her pool and chatted about our families, the world's problems, and the mystery of making marriage work. We agreed that men don't talk enough, and when they do say something it's not what we want to hear. We also came to the conclusion that fear and insecurity is what drives negative behavior. For example, a chronic complainer feels the need to criticize others because of his own deep fears and insecurities. By criticizing others he makes himself feel better. If everyone else is inadequate, then he doesn't feel so bad about himself.
For two people who were raised differently with different values and ideas about life to be put together and expected to live in harmony is a huge undertaking. Few couples are up for the challenge and many throw in the towel when things get messy. Each person comes into the marriage with certain expectations and when those expectations aren't met, a certain dissatisfaction develops on one or both sides and a couple becomes more and more distant. We begin to regret even marrying in the first place.
The thing that I question is why we put such impossibly high standards on each other. Why is it okay for us to expect so much from our spouse and yet we are not willing to give that person what they need to feel fulfilled. We focus on every little thing that person isn't doing and we don't realize how little we are doing to make that person feel loved. Do we even know what our spouse wants or needs? Do we make an effort to give the one we promised to love honor and cherish anything to indicate that we do love honor and cherish them? And do we express appreciation for the things they do for us?
Women don't feel loved and men don't feel respected. Those are the number one complaints of couples. And the number one complaint of children in the marriage is that they don't receive gentle loving kindness and their parent's attention. They are spoken to harshly and treated like inconveniences. They don't feel appreciated. When they do something to help around the house, they are belittled for not doing it right. They begin to feel like they can't do anything right and they wonder why they were even born. They openly say things like, "I wish I never would have been born. Why did my parents have me if they didn't want me?"
It really is sad the way we treat each other. The one place where we are supposed to feel safe and loved becomes the one place where we feel the least appreciated. We think that we're doing a good job taking care of everyone and then someone says something that feels like a knife to the heart. Harsh words spoken carelessly chisel a wound so deep we feel like giving up. Nothing is ever good enough for those who place impossibly high standards on the ones they love. The house is never clean enough. There's never enough money. Dinner could have been better. Our minds are always on the negative. We just can't be grateful for what we have. We can't express appreciation. We can only complain.
Before Ann Voskamp wrote One Thousand Gifts, she was challenged by a friend to write out one thousand things that she is grateful for. This challenge took on a life of its own as Ann began to see the beauty in everything. She stood at the sink washing dishes and would marvel at the colors radiating from her soap bubbles. She dropped everything she was doing one night before dinner to go outside and soak in the warm light and amazement of a rising full moon. She even got excited about cheese.
Why is it so hard for us to appreciate? Why do we always want more? Why can't we look at the ones we love and realize that they're doing the best they can? Why can't we be thankful for the things and people God brought into our lives? Why must we always focus on what's wrong with everything and everyone around us? If we changed our attitudes and instead focused on what we have to be grateful for, would we become more content? I guess the only way to find out is to try. Ann Voskamp accepted the challenge. She discovered the joy of being grateful and wrote a book about it.
The invitation to thankfulness is waiting. How many of us will open our eyes and see the blessings we've been given? What will it take for us to truly appreciate each other? Will our loved ones have to die before we realize their good qualities? And are we truly living if we can't appreciate them?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
WHAT WOMEN LONG FOR
By Danelle Carvell
What do women want? What do they dream of? Women can be a mystery not only to men but to themselves as well. Women wonder why they have the longings they have, and they feel guilty for having them.
I'm reading a great book that's helping me to understand my own heart. In Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, I'm learning that "every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty." Writing about all three of these longings would require words that could fill a book. So if you want the complete picture of a woman's heart, I suggest you read Captivating. My blog today will focus on the first of a woman's longings, to be romanced.
In Captivating, Author Stasi Eldredge opens her heart and shares the deep longings she had as a little girl. One of her favorite games growing up was "kidnapped and rescued." In that game she was the beauty abducted by the bad guys, then fought for and rescued by a hero. "I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for," says Eldredge. "This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl--and every woman. Yet most of us are ashamed of it."
This is why little girls and women love books and movies that portray a handsome prince coming to rescue his beloved. As little girls we love Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella. As women we love romance novels and movies like Titanic and Pretty Woman. "A little girl longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for," says Eldredge... "Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after."
Women want to be romanced. And when that is missing from their lives they will reach for romance novels, food, alcohol, shopping, or whatever addiction fits their lifestyle. A woman needs to fill the emptiness that's present when she's not anyone's priority, she's not loved, not wanted, not sought after and pursued.
Did you get married just to raise kids and pay bills? Why do so many couples fall into the routine of simply being parents and breadwinners? Yes, parenting is important and we need money to survive, but there's something else a marriage needs to survive: a little romance.
If I had ten dollars for every time I heard a woman say, "There's just no connection between us," I could buy a new car. Husbands and wives forget that they were lovers before they got married and became parents. They need to get out and have some fun, plan time together, laugh again, talk and reconnect.
Women become addicted to romance novels and soap operas because it's the only romance they get. When a wife misses the affection, the flowers, the passion, and that look in his eyes, she'll find it on TV, in a book, or at the movies. These fantasy romances become a substitute for the love she's longing for.
Why is passion and romance so hard to keep alive after a few years of marriage? I think it's because we don't give it priority or effort. Men stop trying to please their wives. The pursuit is over. "She's mine and now I can relax," he thinks. But what he should be thinking is, "She's mine and now I have to keep her interested."
Women deserve to be dated. The happiest wives have husbands who never stop dating them, never stop pursuing them. Women need to feel wanted and appreciated. They need physical affection and verbal compliments. But some men just don't get it. They don't even try to fulfill a woman's needs. Yet men continue to expect their own needs to be met.
So many wives will tell their girlfriends how unhappy they are and how lonely they feel, but they won't tell their husbands. And it's sad because with a little effort any marriage can be reborn. The spark that brought you together can reignite.
But men aren't the only ones who can start a fire. Women need to speak up and tell their husbands what they want. Men can't read minds. Most of them need encouragement to be romantic. They also need a woman to be loveable. Constant nagging won't bring you affection. Criticism kills romance. Sometimes, the most heartless man can be softened by the honest, soft-spoken request of a kind woman. If he refuses to listen, then he needs a wake-up call. He needs to be reminded what life would be like without her. Then maybe he'd appreciate what he has.
But don't worry guys, pleasing a woman isn't something that's going to break you or exhaust you. A compliment is romantic. A hug is romantic. A single rose is more romantic to me than a dozen. Unless you've married a material girl, you don't need money to express your love. All you need is the desire to please her. So be creative. Thoughtful surprises are romantic too. And you know what the most romantic thing is that women crave? A good conversation. Talk to her about her dreams, what places she wants to see, what she wishes she could do. Do you even know what she longs for?
A woman's heart doesn't stay filled. That's the mystery of women. The part that men can't figure out is why we need constant assurance that we're loved and appreciated. To that question I would ask, "Why do men have constant needs?" Why do they constantly need to be fed? Men's and women's needs are different, but they're always constant.
Hearing so many wives express a sense of loneliness in marriage tells me it's time for couples to make more of an effort in the romance department. Every fire goes out eventually if you don't do the work to keep it going.
What do women want? What do they dream of? Women can be a mystery not only to men but to themselves as well. Women wonder why they have the longings they have, and they feel guilty for having them.
I'm reading a great book that's helping me to understand my own heart. In Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, I'm learning that "every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty." Writing about all three of these longings would require words that could fill a book. So if you want the complete picture of a woman's heart, I suggest you read Captivating. My blog today will focus on the first of a woman's longings, to be romanced.
In Captivating, Author Stasi Eldredge opens her heart and shares the deep longings she had as a little girl. One of her favorite games growing up was "kidnapped and rescued." In that game she was the beauty abducted by the bad guys, then fought for and rescued by a hero. "I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for," says Eldredge. "This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl--and every woman. Yet most of us are ashamed of it."
This is why little girls and women love books and movies that portray a handsome prince coming to rescue his beloved. As little girls we love Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella. As women we love romance novels and movies like Titanic and Pretty Woman. "A little girl longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for," says Eldredge... "Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after."
Women want to be romanced. And when that is missing from their lives they will reach for romance novels, food, alcohol, shopping, or whatever addiction fits their lifestyle. A woman needs to fill the emptiness that's present when she's not anyone's priority, she's not loved, not wanted, not sought after and pursued.
Did you get married just to raise kids and pay bills? Why do so many couples fall into the routine of simply being parents and breadwinners? Yes, parenting is important and we need money to survive, but there's something else a marriage needs to survive: a little romance.
If I had ten dollars for every time I heard a woman say, "There's just no connection between us," I could buy a new car. Husbands and wives forget that they were lovers before they got married and became parents. They need to get out and have some fun, plan time together, laugh again, talk and reconnect.
Women become addicted to romance novels and soap operas because it's the only romance they get. When a wife misses the affection, the flowers, the passion, and that look in his eyes, she'll find it on TV, in a book, or at the movies. These fantasy romances become a substitute for the love she's longing for.
Why is passion and romance so hard to keep alive after a few years of marriage? I think it's because we don't give it priority or effort. Men stop trying to please their wives. The pursuit is over. "She's mine and now I can relax," he thinks. But what he should be thinking is, "She's mine and now I have to keep her interested."
Women deserve to be dated. The happiest wives have husbands who never stop dating them, never stop pursuing them. Women need to feel wanted and appreciated. They need physical affection and verbal compliments. But some men just don't get it. They don't even try to fulfill a woman's needs. Yet men continue to expect their own needs to be met.
So many wives will tell their girlfriends how unhappy they are and how lonely they feel, but they won't tell their husbands. And it's sad because with a little effort any marriage can be reborn. The spark that brought you together can reignite.
But men aren't the only ones who can start a fire. Women need to speak up and tell their husbands what they want. Men can't read minds. Most of them need encouragement to be romantic. They also need a woman to be loveable. Constant nagging won't bring you affection. Criticism kills romance. Sometimes, the most heartless man can be softened by the honest, soft-spoken request of a kind woman. If he refuses to listen, then he needs a wake-up call. He needs to be reminded what life would be like without her. Then maybe he'd appreciate what he has.
But don't worry guys, pleasing a woman isn't something that's going to break you or exhaust you. A compliment is romantic. A hug is romantic. A single rose is more romantic to me than a dozen. Unless you've married a material girl, you don't need money to express your love. All you need is the desire to please her. So be creative. Thoughtful surprises are romantic too. And you know what the most romantic thing is that women crave? A good conversation. Talk to her about her dreams, what places she wants to see, what she wishes she could do. Do you even know what she longs for?
A woman's heart doesn't stay filled. That's the mystery of women. The part that men can't figure out is why we need constant assurance that we're loved and appreciated. To that question I would ask, "Why do men have constant needs?" Why do they constantly need to be fed? Men's and women's needs are different, but they're always constant.
Hearing so many wives express a sense of loneliness in marriage tells me it's time for couples to make more of an effort in the romance department. Every fire goes out eventually if you don't do the work to keep it going.
Friday, February 18, 2011
THE LOUDEST CRY
By Danelle Carvell
Men are good at delivering lectures. I guess it makes them feel manly. Perhaps they should pound their chests while delivering their harsh words and then drag their wives to the cave by their hair. That’s the vision I get of men who like to lecture, cavemen with not an ounce of tenderness.
Men are good at delivering lectures. I guess it makes them feel manly. Perhaps they should pound their chests while delivering their harsh words and then drag their wives to the cave by their hair. That’s the vision I get of men who like to lecture, cavemen with not an ounce of tenderness.
Women can lecture too. It's called nagging.
Gary Smalley, author of Love Is A Decision, has counseled many couples and families in crisis and he says that one of the loudest cries he hears among men, women and children is the desperate plea for tenderness and gentleness from people who love them.
Why are gentle, respectful words so important to people? Because they makes us feel valuable. Words and actions are either powerful weapons of destruction or they are powerful tools for building people up and making them feel valued and loved. No one wants to be kicked like a dog every day in their own home. No one wants to walk in the door and receive a lecture before having a chance to take off their shoes. Yet this is the reality for many American families. What goes on behind closed doors is more caveman than kindness.
We need to stop valuing things more than people. We need to stop fussing about things that aren't nearly as important as the people in our lives. Sometimes lectures are necessary,. When children need guidance, they might need a good talking to. But lecturing is a parent’s role. It's not something we should be giving to a spouse. Unless we want to kill the love. That's what lecturing does. Like a leach, it sucks every ounce of love from the person's heart. And soon they don't want to be around us. People need love, not lectures.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
EXPECTATIONS OF MARRIED LIFE
By Danelle Carvell
One of the most eye-opening discussions you and your partner will ever have is the "How will marriage change our lives?" talk. It's a very necessary discussion because it will reveal the silent expectations that each of you have about married life. For example, I had a silent expectation that my first husband would stop spending time in bars after we married. He didn't, and it made me angry.
On the other hand, he probably expected to eat better than boxed frozen chicken and french fries every night. His mother was a good cook, so he probably expected the same from his wife. For the first five years of our marriage, I was at home with our son all day, so I had time to cook. I could have at least made an effort, but he never told me what he expected from me. And I never told him my needs. Therefore, we were disappointed constantly by our unmet expectations.
We all come into marriage with an idea of what it will and should be like. Should spouses check with each other before making major purchases? Will you feel betrayed if your husband shares intimate details about your marriage with a friend? How do you know that your ideas about marriage are even close to his? Doesn't it make sense to share your expectations with your future husband and then listen to his ideas?
You can't cover it all in one sitting, so anticipate an ongoing analysis of all the ways that you expect marriage to change your lives. Telling each other everything you want, everything you need, and everything you expect marriage to be is vital. By eliminating the surprises, you'll avoid arguments later. You'll know what you're getting into, and you'll be better prepared for all the challenges of being a wife and mother.
Couples who don't discuss their expectations face one hurdle after another and it is so emotionally exhausting to live that way. So talk! I know I didn't cover everything, but if you talk about the subjects I mentioned you'll have a great start toward understanding each other and meeting each other's needs by revealing all those silent expectations.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
LOVE IS IN THE BOUNDARIES
By Danelle Carvell
When I was a kid, all I needed was to see a certain look on my dad's face and I snapped to attention. The thought of arguing with him or protesting my punishment never crossed my mind. He spoke. I listened. And I immediately did what he asked. Disrespecting my parents was not an option. I didn't dare talk back or even question the discipline I received.
Fast forward thirty plus years. Children today have no such respect for their parents. In some cases the parents are to blame because they don't enforce rules or follow through with discipline. They strive to be their child's buddy rather than an authority figure. To keep the peace, parents allow their children to do whatever they want and fail to instill good character traits that will help them survive as adults. When they leave home, those kids can't even function in the real world because they are lazy, undisciplined, disrespectful, and still expecting to get their own way.
A child raised without boundaries soon discovers that employers and bill collectors aren't as forgiving as the parent who longed to be a pal. Did those parents do their kids any favors by being soft? They raised children who have no life skills because they weren't taught those skills at home... simple things like picking up after yourself, being responsible, respecting others, being honest and keeping your word. They might lose a job, be deserted by a spouse, or even get in trouble with the law because they weren't trained by parents who dared to discipline, parents who dared to teach them that poor choices and bad behavior have consequences.
I"m glad I was raised by a strict father who only had to snap his black leather belt to bring his children in line with his authority. I can't imagine where I would be if I had been allowed to have everything I wanted and do whatever I pleased. I can't imagine a childhood without boundaries.
When I was a kid, all I needed was to see a certain look on my dad's face and I snapped to attention. The thought of arguing with him or protesting my punishment never crossed my mind. He spoke. I listened. And I immediately did what he asked. Disrespecting my parents was not an option. I didn't dare talk back or even question the discipline I received.
Fast forward thirty plus years. Children today have no such respect for their parents. In some cases the parents are to blame because they don't enforce rules or follow through with discipline. They strive to be their child's buddy rather than an authority figure. To keep the peace, parents allow their children to do whatever they want and fail to instill good character traits that will help them survive as adults. When they leave home, those kids can't even function in the real world because they are lazy, undisciplined, disrespectful, and still expecting to get their own way.
A child raised without boundaries soon discovers that employers and bill collectors aren't as forgiving as the parent who longed to be a pal. Did those parents do their kids any favors by being soft? They raised children who have no life skills because they weren't taught those skills at home... simple things like picking up after yourself, being responsible, respecting others, being honest and keeping your word. They might lose a job, be deserted by a spouse, or even get in trouble with the law because they weren't trained by parents who dared to discipline, parents who dared to teach them that poor choices and bad behavior have consequences.
I"m glad I was raised by a strict father who only had to snap his black leather belt to bring his children in line with his authority. I can't imagine where I would be if I had been allowed to have everything I wanted and do whatever I pleased. I can't imagine a childhood without boundaries.
Friday, February 4, 2011
LOVE PICKS UP THE SLACK
By Danelle Carvell
Don't you hate it when you bring groceries home and all family members swarm into the kitchen like vultures to check out the bounty? First my husband tells me I bought the wrong brand of Rock Salt for the driveway. Then my daughter asks, "Where's the food?" She couldn't tell me exactly what it was I forgot to buy, but she wasn't happy with the selection. Even the dog was sniffing the bags. This is what I came home to last night at about 8:30. I had left the house at 4:00 with a pizza in the oven and warm toppings on the stove. And now, with a splitting headache, and before I began putting groceries away, I had to first put away the leftover pizza and toppings which had been sitting on the stove for four hours.
It took less than a minute to put the leftovers in the refrigerator, and I couldn't help but ask my husband why he couldn't put dinner away instead of letting it sit on the stove for four hours. His comeback was, "For the same reason you didn't take care of the ice on the driveway while I was at work." This just made me more agitated. I didn't see any similarities between food going to waste and the icy driveway, especially when the first thing he said when he walked in the door was, "I thought the sun would have melted it." Now all of a sudden it's my fault. He was better off blaming the sun.
All this got me thinking about the roles of men and women and what exactly are we responsible for at home? I grew up thinking that the outside work was a man's responsibility. I never saw my mother mowing grass or shoveling driveways. Her work was inside the home. This same role system worked for me in my first marriage. My ex-husband never asked me to shovel the driveway or do any outside work. So it felt a bit strange for me to be expected to de-ice the driveway.
I pondered this whole thing for a while, wondering if my husband was right about the driveway or if he was just trying to justify his own lax by pointing out the things I overlook. I found my answer in Proverbs 31, which describes some of the things a virtuous woman does around the home. When I got to the part about her planting a vineyard, I realized that a woman's work isn't limited to inside the walls of her home. But I had to keep in mind that the woman described in Proverbs wasn't employed by anyone else. She didn't go outside the area of her home to work. Today, women are driving to work and putting in forty hours a week, then coming home to even more work with laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. Are women really expected to take care of the driveway and the lawn on top of all that? Why do men get to relax when they get home from work, while women get home from work and their work day is only half finished?
If I'm going to take the time to de-ice the driveway, it would mean that some other chores would have to be put on hold. As long as that was understood, I wouldn't mind tackling outside work. I think it all comes down to helping each other and respecting the fact that sometimes we just can't get all the work done in one day. There will be visible dust on the dressers at times and dishes in the sink. And anyone who wants to complain about that should perhaps roll up their sleeves and get busy.
Every couple, before they consider marriage, should sit down and agree on what their roles in that marriage will be. Who will write out the checks and pay the bills? Who will take out the trash? Who will take care of the lawn? But we also need to be flexible in our roles so that we can help each other. There's no reason why I should come home at 8:30 to a messy kitchen, especially when I wasn't even there to eat. And in my husband's eyes, there's no reason why he should come home to an icy driveway when I was there all day. It makes sense that people who love each other should help each other. If I was down with the flu for three days, would it be loving to let the dishes pile up in the sink?
My husband received a notice call to jury duty yesterday. So there's a chance that I'll be shoveling the driveway even more. He told me a story about his ex-wife disappearing for six weeks after being called to jury duty. Maybe there's more to that story, but the point is that we can't be so totally dependent on other people doing things for us. We need to learn to help ourselves and be willing to help others. When a man has three days off work and his wife doesn't, shouldn't he be willing to pick up around the house while she's not there? The problem in many marriages is that husbands and wives aren't willing to serve each other. They care more about being served. The Bible tells us that those who serve are the greatest among us. I guess I'll have to keep that in mind when I'm out taking care of the driveway while my husband is at work. And He will have to remember that while he cleans the kitchen when I'm not around.
Marriage is more than the joining of two people with defined roles. Sometimes we have to take on chores that normally are done by the other person. We have to carry the other person's load when they can't. That's what love is all about, helping each other. If we can't do that, then we should stay selfish and single because we clearly don't deserve to be married.
Don't you hate it when you bring groceries home and all family members swarm into the kitchen like vultures to check out the bounty? First my husband tells me I bought the wrong brand of Rock Salt for the driveway. Then my daughter asks, "Where's the food?" She couldn't tell me exactly what it was I forgot to buy, but she wasn't happy with the selection. Even the dog was sniffing the bags. This is what I came home to last night at about 8:30. I had left the house at 4:00 with a pizza in the oven and warm toppings on the stove. And now, with a splitting headache, and before I began putting groceries away, I had to first put away the leftover pizza and toppings which had been sitting on the stove for four hours.
It took less than a minute to put the leftovers in the refrigerator, and I couldn't help but ask my husband why he couldn't put dinner away instead of letting it sit on the stove for four hours. His comeback was, "For the same reason you didn't take care of the ice on the driveway while I was at work." This just made me more agitated. I didn't see any similarities between food going to waste and the icy driveway, especially when the first thing he said when he walked in the door was, "I thought the sun would have melted it." Now all of a sudden it's my fault. He was better off blaming the sun.
All this got me thinking about the roles of men and women and what exactly are we responsible for at home? I grew up thinking that the outside work was a man's responsibility. I never saw my mother mowing grass or shoveling driveways. Her work was inside the home. This same role system worked for me in my first marriage. My ex-husband never asked me to shovel the driveway or do any outside work. So it felt a bit strange for me to be expected to de-ice the driveway.
I pondered this whole thing for a while, wondering if my husband was right about the driveway or if he was just trying to justify his own lax by pointing out the things I overlook. I found my answer in Proverbs 31, which describes some of the things a virtuous woman does around the home. When I got to the part about her planting a vineyard, I realized that a woman's work isn't limited to inside the walls of her home. But I had to keep in mind that the woman described in Proverbs wasn't employed by anyone else. She didn't go outside the area of her home to work. Today, women are driving to work and putting in forty hours a week, then coming home to even more work with laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. Are women really expected to take care of the driveway and the lawn on top of all that? Why do men get to relax when they get home from work, while women get home from work and their work day is only half finished?
If I'm going to take the time to de-ice the driveway, it would mean that some other chores would have to be put on hold. As long as that was understood, I wouldn't mind tackling outside work. I think it all comes down to helping each other and respecting the fact that sometimes we just can't get all the work done in one day. There will be visible dust on the dressers at times and dishes in the sink. And anyone who wants to complain about that should perhaps roll up their sleeves and get busy.
Every couple, before they consider marriage, should sit down and agree on what their roles in that marriage will be. Who will write out the checks and pay the bills? Who will take out the trash? Who will take care of the lawn? But we also need to be flexible in our roles so that we can help each other. There's no reason why I should come home at 8:30 to a messy kitchen, especially when I wasn't even there to eat. And in my husband's eyes, there's no reason why he should come home to an icy driveway when I was there all day. It makes sense that people who love each other should help each other. If I was down with the flu for three days, would it be loving to let the dishes pile up in the sink?
My husband received a notice call to jury duty yesterday. So there's a chance that I'll be shoveling the driveway even more. He told me a story about his ex-wife disappearing for six weeks after being called to jury duty. Maybe there's more to that story, but the point is that we can't be so totally dependent on other people doing things for us. We need to learn to help ourselves and be willing to help others. When a man has three days off work and his wife doesn't, shouldn't he be willing to pick up around the house while she's not there? The problem in many marriages is that husbands and wives aren't willing to serve each other. They care more about being served. The Bible tells us that those who serve are the greatest among us. I guess I'll have to keep that in mind when I'm out taking care of the driveway while my husband is at work. And He will have to remember that while he cleans the kitchen when I'm not around.
Marriage is more than the joining of two people with defined roles. Sometimes we have to take on chores that normally are done by the other person. We have to carry the other person's load when they can't. That's what love is all about, helping each other. If we can't do that, then we should stay selfish and single because we clearly don't deserve to be married.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A LITTLE RESPECT WHEN YOU GET HOME
If there's one place where we deserve a pleasant greeting, it's at home. My husband hates walking in the door and being bombarded with requests. Both my daughter and I have learned not to approach him when he first gets home from work. We let him alone to unwind, because home should be a place of retreat, not demands the minute you walk in the door.
Today, however the roles were reversed. I had spent most of my day cleaning and organizing a room and a closet and then I had to pick up my daughter from an after-school activity. When I walked in the door, my husband was already home from work, and the first thing he said was, "Where's my dinner?" He did to me exactly what he hates when walking in the door. Not even a hello. Not a smile. Not a pleasant tone of voice...nothing but a demand.
What woman would react well to that? Needless to say I didn't either. The thing about demanding is that it makes someone feel like a slave, as if all that person is good for is fulfilling the needs of the master. It makes a person feel lower than pond scum, and it's hardly the way a husband should treat his wife. That comment put me in a mood and anything he said after that wasn't going to be met with a kind response. I'm well aware of all the "turn the other cheek" scripture in the bible, but when I'm treated like pond scum I have a hard time making nice.
I often wonder how couples with no knowledge of God's word can possibly get along. If couples like us, knowing how God expects us to treat one another, can have moments like this... is there hope for any marriage? We all expect our spouse to meet our needs. I have needs too. And like my husband's empty stomach, my needs can also go unmet. But I can imagine the reaction I would get if I demanded a hug as soon as he got home. If I demanded a compliment or any kind of favor from him. He would pull away exactly as I did when he demanded dinner. Demanding anything is not how God expects us to relate to one another. Demands cannot coexist with love. In fact nothing kills that loving feeling faster than constant demands.
I was very demanding when I was younger. My demands never got me what I wanted. All demanding did was push people away and make them dislike me. I've since learned to express disappointment differently. Now I'm more likely to write a heartfelt letter when someone hurts me. But being at the other end of someone's demands still gets to me. I have a hard time controlling my emotions when someone rudely snaps at me in a demanding tone.
The difference between a demand and a request is the way it's presented. If my husband had asked, "Did you have time to cook today?" he would have received a more loving response than the one I gave him...something about Ethiopia and appreciating leftovers. God wants us to do things for one another out of love, not a sense of duty. Most days I have time to cook and I do it out of love. When he acts as though I owe him a meal every night, then it becomes a duty not an act of love. Where's the joy in slave cooking?
The point I'm trying to make is that we all have expectations. And when those expectations go unmet, we have two choices: We can demand a change or we can ask for one. Demanding shows no respect. Treat others as you want to be treated. If you want a little respect when you come home, then be willing to give a little too.
If I didn't admit my own faults many times in this blog, I would hesitate to publish this. It doesn't put my hubby in a very good light. But it's a classic example of how we get off track and mistreat the ones we're supposed to love most. Following Jesus isn't about being perfect, and I'm not afraid to admit my life is far from perfect. But if we keep trying to adjust to that narrow path, that's the best we can do. We are all flawed, we all make mistakes, and we all fall short of the glory of God.
If there's one place where we deserve a pleasant greeting, it's at home. My husband hates walking in the door and being bombarded with requests. Both my daughter and I have learned not to approach him when he first gets home from work. We let him alone to unwind, because home should be a place of retreat, not demands the minute you walk in the door.
Today, however the roles were reversed. I had spent most of my day cleaning and organizing a room and a closet and then I had to pick up my daughter from an after-school activity. When I walked in the door, my husband was already home from work, and the first thing he said was, "Where's my dinner?" He did to me exactly what he hates when walking in the door. Not even a hello. Not a smile. Not a pleasant tone of voice...nothing but a demand.
What woman would react well to that? Needless to say I didn't either. The thing about demanding is that it makes someone feel like a slave, as if all that person is good for is fulfilling the needs of the master. It makes a person feel lower than pond scum, and it's hardly the way a husband should treat his wife. That comment put me in a mood and anything he said after that wasn't going to be met with a kind response. I'm well aware of all the "turn the other cheek" scripture in the bible, but when I'm treated like pond scum I have a hard time making nice.
I often wonder how couples with no knowledge of God's word can possibly get along. If couples like us, knowing how God expects us to treat one another, can have moments like this... is there hope for any marriage? We all expect our spouse to meet our needs. I have needs too. And like my husband's empty stomach, my needs can also go unmet. But I can imagine the reaction I would get if I demanded a hug as soon as he got home. If I demanded a compliment or any kind of favor from him. He would pull away exactly as I did when he demanded dinner. Demanding anything is not how God expects us to relate to one another. Demands cannot coexist with love. In fact nothing kills that loving feeling faster than constant demands.
I was very demanding when I was younger. My demands never got me what I wanted. All demanding did was push people away and make them dislike me. I've since learned to express disappointment differently. Now I'm more likely to write a heartfelt letter when someone hurts me. But being at the other end of someone's demands still gets to me. I have a hard time controlling my emotions when someone rudely snaps at me in a demanding tone.
The difference between a demand and a request is the way it's presented. If my husband had asked, "Did you have time to cook today?" he would have received a more loving response than the one I gave him...something about Ethiopia and appreciating leftovers. God wants us to do things for one another out of love, not a sense of duty. Most days I have time to cook and I do it out of love. When he acts as though I owe him a meal every night, then it becomes a duty not an act of love. Where's the joy in slave cooking?
The point I'm trying to make is that we all have expectations. And when those expectations go unmet, we have two choices: We can demand a change or we can ask for one. Demanding shows no respect. Treat others as you want to be treated. If you want a little respect when you come home, then be willing to give a little too.
If I didn't admit my own faults many times in this blog, I would hesitate to publish this. It doesn't put my hubby in a very good light. But it's a classic example of how we get off track and mistreat the ones we're supposed to love most. Following Jesus isn't about being perfect, and I'm not afraid to admit my life is far from perfect. But if we keep trying to adjust to that narrow path, that's the best we can do. We are all flawed, we all make mistakes, and we all fall short of the glory of God.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
JUST THE WAY I AM
By Danelle Carvell
Sometimes I think that being organized is over-rated. People who are very organized almost seem to get no joy out of life. They are never spontaneous and they are so into precision and perfection that they miss the human side of life. There are days when I wish I could be more organized, but when I see the people who are, I kind of like me the way I am.
Although I know all the tips and tricks to being organized as I've shared a few in my past blogs, my husband tells me that I have no management skills. Yesterday he woke me from a nap after I stayed up all night making pillows. His important question was, "Do you want this magazine? It's garbage night." Disturb a sleeping person for the sake of one less magazine in the house. Sorry, I can't relate to that kind of thinking. It wouldn't even cross my mind to wake someone just to ask them about potential garbage.
I guess we all have our quirks. My husband is too rigid and I'm too carefree perhaps. Could be why God put us together. But our differences are often a source of contention in the home and it leaves me feeling less than adequate. Right now I have laundry to do, the refrigerator to clean, and a long list of things I should accomplish today, but my heart is here at my keyboard. I woke up this morning and read the Bible but I couldn't really focus on God's word. My brain felt restless, unable to concentrate on any one thing. I told God that I feel like a mess sometimes and I asked Him to help me be more organized and disciplined so I could feel more together.
Do you know what His answer was? "I know you completely, Danelle, and I love you just the way you are." Oh I want to cry right now. That is love! In a world where people are so critical of each other and always focusing on the negative, I have a God who loves me just the way I am. Yippeeee!!
When I was younger, I was very influenced by what others thought of me. I needed the approval of my husband and everyone around me that I cared about. If someone said something hurtful to me, I could go into a depression that would last for days. But since I've been putting God first in my life I've been set free from all that. His opinion of me is the only one I care about. Sure it's nice to receive compliments and know that people approve of the way I am, but I don't need it anymore. All I need is God's approval. And I think He's more impressed that I sat at my keyboard today and shared this than He would be if I cleaned the refrigerator.
My sister just called. We are so much alike. She told me that she has so much to do and doesn't feel like doing any of it. She wants to go shopping. I just love her and I love that she's spontaneous like that. I can't imagine her being any other way. I love her just the way she is.
I think we get into trouble when we expect others to be like us. When we push our personality traits on other people and expect them to be like we are, it's almost as if we are questioning the God who created them. I will never be super-organized and ultra-disciplined. I have a daily schedule on my bulletin board that I try to follow, but some days it just doesn't happen. I can't be like my husband and he shouldn't expect me to have the management skills that he has.
When he told me I have no management skills, I shot back, "Well I wouldn't want to manage anything if it meant I had to be like you!" I even went so far as to suggest that the bulb in his sun lamp must have gone bad because he's been crabby lately. See how we tear each other down with our differences. But God never does that. He cherishes our differences.
When you feel like no one appreciates who you are and no one seems to have a kind word, remember that God knows you completely and loves you just the way you are.
The She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and that your heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/how-christians-create-art-she-speaks-scholarship/
http://shespeaksconference.com/
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