THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE EPIDEMIC (part 2)

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

When we feel beaten down, all we can think about is escaping to any place but here. 

Emotional abuse has become an epidemic. In my last post, I talked about abuse that takes place in relationships--both marital and pre-marital. And I discussed abuse in the workplace and parental abuse directed toward children. 

I will begin part two by adding to the list of previously mentioned signs of emotional abuse. Go back and read part one to grasp a more complete list. Here are more signs that I haven't mentioned yet:

using weapons as a means of threatening

telling a partner they will not find anyone better and they are lucky to be with them.

attempting to control a partner's appearance

serially cheating on a partner and then blaming them for the behavior

making false accusations of cheating

destroying a partner's property

demanding to know where a partner is at every moment

Being emotionally abused in this way has many short-term effects on the brain and body. Your mental and physical health can be affected in the following ways:

anxiety

shame

fear

confusion 

guilt

a feeling of hopelessness and having no power to change things

frequent crying

moodiness

aches and pains or muscle tension

difficulty concentrating

The long-term effects of emotional abuse include:

loss of a sense of self

doubting your self-worth and your abilities

depression

anxiety

substance misuse

chronic pain

Children who are emotionally abused will often display effects of the abuse such as:

developmental delays

learning disabilities

wetting pants or the bed

speech disorders

health problems such as ulcers or skin conditions

weight fluctuation or obesity

extreme emotions

anxiety

sleep problems

social withdrawal

becoming overtly compliant or defensive

inappropriate behavior for their age

destructive or anti-social behavior

suicidal thoughts or behaviors

It is common for emotional abused people to turn physically violent. People who endure abuse as a child or in a relationship may have difficulties with many aspects of life, especially in new relationships. Abused children can develop attachment disorders and are likely to engage in toxic behaviors. 

Adults who were abused as children are more likely to develop chronic health problems such as eating disorders, headaches, heart disease, mental health issues, obesity and substance use disorders.

Emotional abuse can lead to PTSD. High levels of stress or fear over a long period of time can interfere with your daily functioning. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not only for soldiers coming home from a war. 

People are battling wars in every part of their lives-- at work and at home. I believe that very few people get through life without experiencing some type of emotional abuse. If the abuse is bad enough, it can destroy a person's ability to create positive social and romantic relationships in later life. 

One thing you can't do is blame yourself. No type of abuse is acceptable. There is no excuse for abusing someone. It's not something that someone ever deserves. 

You can never do something to deserve being abused. Shame is not something you should be dealing with on top of everything else. It's important to get support from family, friends, Christian counselors, church members or support groups to overcome any feelings of self-blame. 

Removing yourself from the abuse would be the ideal way of healing from it, but sometimes that is not immediately possible. If you feel trapped in an abusive situation, you could avoid engaging with the abuser by keeping a neutral facial expression and neutral body language. 

Abusers like to provoke a response and if you don't give them one, it could make things easier for you. Any way that you can create distance and avoid communication with the person takes some pressure off you and gives you some peace. 

An abused person might reach a point where they go along with anything the abuser wants in order to keep peace. But they might also feel like they will crack if they don't put up some boundaries and escape the constant assault on their mental health.  

Emotional abuse messes with your self-esteem, so standing up for yourself can be difficult. An emotionally abused person can feel so beaten down that they are not able to set boundaries. They allow themselves to become door mats and feel no sense of power to stop the abuse. 

I recently pointed out to a friend that she was letting people walk all over her. She was being mistreated by her family. I encouraged her to stand up for herself and set some boundaries by saying, "I will no longer come around if you continue to treat me so disrespectfully."

She admitted that she allows people to abuse her. She was emotionally abused as a child and the scars from that abuse are still with her. She lost her sense of self-worth, and now as an adult she's not able to stand her ground and protect herself from bullies. 

An abused person might go the complete opposite direction and become totally intolerant to even the slightest mistreatment. What happens in this situation is post traumatic stress disorder. Any reminder of that past abuse causes all the pain and emotions to resurface.

When someone mistreats an emotionally abused person, that person  feels the need for protection and escape. This is why some people can't tolerate working for a mean boss. Or they can't tolerate living with someone who is any kind of a bully. 

The abused person simply can't take another hit because they've already been pushed to the point of exhaustion. And they remember the horrible place they were in when the abuse was at its worst. To endure further abuse is not something they can handle, so they go into full-blown protective mode in an attempt to shield themselves from another beating. 

Another thing that happens with abused people is they become overly sensitive to the possible abuse of others. Being very perceptive to people's emotions, they instantly question why that person is reacting that way. They wonder if the negative reaction is caused by someone abusing them. They feel the need to protect others because they themselves have experienced the pain of abuse.

I believe you would be shocked by the amount of people you know that have experienced emotional abuse. It's not something people talk about freely. They hide it even from people close to them because of the shame of it or because they feel no power to stop it. Or maybe they think people won't believe them. Or maybe they are silently blaming themselves. 

Emotionally abused people can find themselves in a very lonely place. And that is why I wrote this. To help them find a way out of the pain by letting them know that they are not alone. They are not crazy. They deserve so much better. God does not want any of His children to be abused. Abuse happens when people reject God and the love He commands us to grant one another. 

THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE EPIDEMIC

By Danelle Carvell

                                                  

If everyone could be as encouraging as a Dove chocolate wrapper, I wouldn't need to write this.

 

Abuse comes in many forms. It can be physical or mental. But there's a form of abuse that can be hard to recognize when we witness it, and it can be hard to step away from too. Even the person being abused might question what is happening. I'm talking about emotional abuse. 

The information for this post is taken from an article titled, "What Are the Short and Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse," which I found at healthline.com

I have no doubt that some people reading this are right now experiencing emotional abuse. Or maybe it happened to them in the past. I decided to write this because I'm hearing more and more about this type of abuse, and I know people who are dealing with it. Understanding what they are dealing with is a giant step toward breaking free of the abuse and finding their path toward healing. 

According to the article mentioned above, if you're wondering whether emotional abuse is happening to you, here are some of the signs:

yelling

name-calling

spewing insults or ridiculing you

attempting to make you question your own sanity (gaslighting)

invading your privacy

punishing you for not going along with what they want

trying to control your life

isolating you from family and friends

making subtle or overt threats

Within the above list is the word gaslighting. This word is being used more frequently than ever before because emotional abuse has become an epidemic. Gaslighting is a tactic for manipulating someone in a way that makes them question their own reality. 

I have experienced this kind of abuse myself and I can tell you that it's like having a conversation with the devil. You can't win no matter how you respond, and you end up feeling beaten down. Or you walk away wondering if the person is right about you. The goal of gaslighting is to get you so confused that you begin to question yourself--"Am I the one with the problem?"

Go back and read over the above list. If you are being treated this way, you can be sure that the problem is NOT you. What's happening to you is emotional abuse. 

At this point I should mention a second article that contributed to my information on this topic. "What Are the Effects of Emotional Abuse?" at medicalnewstoday.com is a good read if you wish to do further research. 

I'm including four types of emotional abuse in this post--parental, marital, workplace and abuse within our relationships. During our lives, we encounter many potential sources of abuse, which include parents, co-workers, romantic partners, friends and colleagues. The abuse can also come from family members, and that source of abuse might be the hardest to endure and recover from. 

Parents can be abusive. Some signs of emotional abuse toward children include:

rejecting or ignoring a child

telling a child they are unloved or unwanted

not showing or returning affection

shaming, belittling or humiliating a child

bullying or threatening a child

yelling or screaming at a child

isolating or confining a child from positive experiences

engaging a child in illicit or criminal acts

calling a child names

negatively comparing a child with others

A boyfriend or girlfriend can also be abusive. I have friends who went through this type of abuse and I have experienced it myself. The fallout is always the same. The abused person feels like nothing he or she does is ever right. 

Constant criticism is the norm. It's not unusual to even feel scared in the relationship. If the abuse continues for a long time, it can eat away at a person's self-esteem to the point where they believe that they deserve the abuse. 

Here's the list of signs that you are being abused by your partner:

The abusive behavior is blamed on you, maybe by saying, "You are the reason I am acting like this!"

being overly jealous or possessive

being upset when a partner spends time alone or with other people

pressuring a person into sexual activity

controlling a partner's actions or monitoring their phone and emails

gaslighting

stalking

threatening to harm their partner or themselves if a partner leaves

humiliating or intentionally embarrassing a partner

belittling a partner, calling them names or putting them down

Once married, the list is pretty much the same. And being married does not give anyone a right to be abusive. Nor does being married mean that you must tolerate such abuse. If you try to avoid conflict or you do what your partner says in order to keep peace or stay safe, then you are being emotionally abused. If you feel like you need to change your behavior in an attempt to stop the abuse, that is another sign.

Other signs of abuse within marriage include:

isolating a person from family and friends

not wanting their partner to work

refusing to give shared access, controlling finances, or refusing to share things

withholding affection as punishment

expecting their partner to ask permission

threatening harm to their partner, to children, or to other family members or pets

And now for the big one. I call it "the big one" because this is the place where I have witnessed and experienced the most emotional abuse. And I'm still hearing many examples of abuse in the workplace. Workplace bullying can involve intimidating, undermining, or humiliating a person in front of customers, in front of other employees or in private.

When a boss is emotionally abusive, I see that person as not very bright. There's no better way to encourage poor work performance than to abuse your workers. A smart boss will build up the self-esteem and self-worth of the team. 

 

Emotional abuse in the workplace may include:

criticizing or blaming someone for something invalid

treating an individual differently than others

swearing, shouting at, or humiliating a person

excluding or isolating someone

excessively monitoring a person, micromanaging them or setting unrealistic deadlines

I was hoping to finish this today, but instead I will make it a two-part post. There is sunshine calling my name outside and I'm going to soak it up. I will leave you on a positive note and pick this up in a few days. Here's a drawing my daughter did as a child. Even then, she knew what Mom likes.

                                                

PRIDE OR HUMILITY? WHICH DO YOU PRESENT?

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

The beauty of humility is the way it lifts up others as well as ourselves.

I've heard it said that you should never pray for humility because that's one prayer God loves to answer and you might not like the way He chooses to humble you. Another warning about humility is that you should never claim to have it. Nothing makes you look less humble than boasting about your humility. It's always best to let others point out your strengths instead of publicly doing that yourself. 

The definition of humility is "the quality or condition of having a modest sense of one's own importance." I can tell just by talking to people within a few minutes, whether or not they are humble. The clues are right there within the things they say. And if I get to know them better, I can also see clues in their actions. 

Humble people are teachable. They are usually good listeners and they have a teachable heart. That means that they can easily admit their wrongdoings, and they don't need to be right all the time. 

Many people are instantly insulted when someone corrects them. They become defensive. Instead of being thankful for any kind of constructive criticism, they go into defense mode and begin attacking the person who is probably trying to help them by calling them to something better. 

Disregarding the council of others is a sign of pride. We should always be open to someone's wisdom and their good guidance. Older people are often full of wise advice that we can learn from. 

But sometimes wisdom can come from someone younger. According to the Bible, we should not reject a younger person's wisdom because wisdom is a gift from God, and it's not unusual for even children to be extremely wise. 

Another sign of pride, which is the opposite of humility, is feeling the need to brag about your accomplishments, the many splendid things you own, or how successful you are at your job. I know a guy who often talked about his latest fancy car, the expensive restaurant he dined at last night, or the beautiful home he lived in. He was obviously trying to impress me with these things, but as Shania says, that don't impress me much. 

I've lived long enough to learn that when looking for a good guy, you must look at his heart and not his accomplishments. That beautiful house can't give you comfort when you're married to a man who so much needs to be admired by others. We should look for the sincerity in people and not be chasing after social status or material things.

If he's constantly name dropping and needing to hang out with the important influential people, then no matter how much you admire the guy, it won't be enough coming from just you. So expect him to always be out looking for the attention he craves. Living a low-key life and not needing people to adore you is the way God wants us to live. 

The word that keeps coming to me is "security." Humble people have a positive sense of self. They are content and secure about who they are and what God gave them. They don't need to play the comparison game by constantly comparing themselves to others and pointing out where they are doing better.

The best example of this I can think of is the way women relate to each other in the workplace. My friend is in a constant state of stress at work because she must deal with prideful women who are trying to outshine one another every day. These women just can't relax. They are constantly criticizing the quality of her work and setting impossible standards that she can't possibly reach. 

Women do this to satisfy their own egos. By making my friend look bad, they can feel better about themselves. Prideful people don't like to be outdone. They consider anyone who might beat their accomplishments as rivals and a threat to their position or success. It's a sad way to live. 

When someone needs to criticize the people who are doing better, that's an obvious clue that you're dealing with a prideful person. We should focus on improving ourselves, not on outshining everyone else. There is such a thing as a healthy competition, but competition is only healthy when we ultimately want the best for others as well as ourselves. 

If you are truly happy for those who are doing better than you, then you are a humble person. If you don't hesitate to hang out with "low-level" people, you can consider yourself humble. Humble people don't need to rub elbows with those who project high social status. And they don't hesitate to serve others in a humble way. Even picking up trash would be something a humble person would happily do. 

Humble people are also quick to forgive. They don't hang on to unforgiveness and resentment because they realize that they also have made big mistakes in life. They know that they do not have the right to stand up on a pedestal, as if they've never done wrong. 

But we have to be careful not to confuse humility with being a door mat. Even a humble person knows what healthy boundaries are and that it's okay to enforce those boundaries. The beauty of humility is the way it lifts up others as well as ourselves. If every one of us practiced humility, we wound not only be happier, but we would project that happiness onto others. 

This is the way God meant for us to live. Humility is God's love in action.

A BAD BATCH OF COMFORT

By Danelle Carvell

                                                

Bad advice can make a person's suffering worse

Is someone you know suffering? How can we possibly help someone who is hurting? What can we say that will bring them comfort? The Bible offers a great example of how to handle a person's suffering. It's a valuable teaching we can all learn from at a time when so many people are hurting deeply. 

One of the most popular Bible stories teaches us how to respond when someone we love is suffering.  A troubled man, Job, was told by three friends that the reason he was suffering was the result of sin in his life. This was not the right thing to say to Him. 

At the end of the book of Job, God directs his anger at the three friends for not speaking the truth about Job's situation. He asks Job to pray for them, and then God accepts the prayer instead of giving the misguided friends what their folly deserves.  

From this story we learn that evil can fall on righteous people just as fast as it falls on the wicked. God sometimes allows suffering in people's lives to accomplish a greater good. He works out His own purposes in His own time and He doesn't always protect us from suffering because a breakthrough often comes after extreme pain. 

The book of Job addresses our attitudes toward suffering people. It teaches us that our suffering is the result of living in a fallen world. Not all suffering is the result of a person's own sin.  The conversation between Job and his friends illustrates opposing ideas about suffering and the correct responses we should offer to hurting people.

Job's friends insisted that God only punishes the evildoer, so Job must have done something to deserve his suffering. Job was frustrated and angry, but he did not renounce God or deny Him. He was the perfect role model for a suffering person. Job questioned the hurtful situation without renouncing or denying God. 

I can't say that I have always responded to a suffering person in the right way. There have been times when I made things worse by giving stupid advice or offering criticism that made the person feel even more beat up. I'm not sure why we feel the need to do this. We really should know better. 

When someone is suffering. we need to be careful that we do not act as Job's friends did. They focused on what Job must have done to deserve his pain. They made his suffering worse by laying a guilt trip on him and suggesting that he deserved what he received. 

God often uses suffering to bring about good. But there's nothing good about making things worse by responding carelessly to people's pain. We are better off praying about the situation than giving hurtful advice to someone who is already hurting. 

When you are suffering or you know someone who is, read the final chapters of Job, beginning with chapter 38. God is our ultimate comforter. We can't always depend on friends and family for comfort. 

CALLING OUT BAD BEHAVIOR IS AN ACT OF LOVE

By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

My dad was very good at setting me on the right path when I messed up. It was an act of love that I am grateful for.

Maintaining relationships is hard work. One of the hardest things to do is confront someone who says or does something hurtful.  Confronting people who display bad behavior is extremely difficult. Many of us take the easier path and try to maintain unity without addressing conflicts. 

But denying a problem only causes anxiety and the situation will continue to fester by ignoring it. I think it's best to share the pain we feel about people's behavior and it's actually a biblical approach. Healing cannot begin unless the issue is brought up and discussed. 

Matthew 18: 15-20 tell us how to deal with bad behavior that ends up hurting others: "If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private..." The Bible doesn't tell us to ignore an offense. We are told to hold people accountable for their actions. And sometimes the process of holding them accountable is what brings a positive change in their behavior. 

One of the most difficult things about holding people accountable is the flogging you might get along the way from people close to the situation. In order to maintain unity, people will make excuses for the bad behavior or downplay what took place. They might even suggest that you overreacted to the whole thing and shift the blame on you. 

So by listening to all that, you end up taking a second beating. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to stand your ground in such a situation because it's a very uncomfortable place to be. But people don't learn and grow in the comfort zone. 

"Unity is an important goal, but we shouldn't pursue it at all cost. As image-bearers of God, we do a disservice by allowing abusive behavior to go unchecked. If we don't set limits, we are in effect saying that bad behavior is acceptable. We grow and change when people care enough to challenge our selfishness and call us to something better. The most loving action we can do is not ignoring bad behavior but calling it out and holding people accountable."

The above paragraph is from the article titled, "A Christian Response to Bad Behavior," by Rev. Deb Koster. 

I have been held accountable for my actions many times, and each time it happened I became a better person for it. I was actually grateful for the person who had the courage to call me out. And because I was open to humbling myself, admitting my wrongs and apologizing, the relationship was restored and I learned a valuable life lesson. 

It is possible to forgive people and give up your right to be vindicated while still holding them accountable. Forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to be abused and granting people a free pass. We forgive because it's the right thing to do and God commands us to forgive. But forgiveness won't guarantee that the relationship will be restored, so we should always prepare for that possibility. 

Sometimes confronting the right people in a situation is difficult because they seem very distant and hostile. People who project an unwelcoming attitude or a sense of hostility are nearly impossible to have a conversation with. If the person is in a bad state of mind, you will most likely get nowhere with a confrontation. 

And that is where prayer becomes a powerful tool in dealing with the situation. If you can't talk to someone about an offense, you can go to God with your hurts. Sometimes it's best to let Him work on that person's heart and then trust and wait patiently for Him to do what seems impossible. 

Relationships are difficult to maintain. But God doesn't call us to an easy life. Sometimes we have to do the hard work that's required to promote improvement and growth in ourselves and others. 

BREAKING FREE FROM STRONGHOLDS (part 3)

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                    

We were not meant to live in bondage to the bad things in life. We can be set free when we take authority over what's causing it.  

Welcome to part 3 of a deep topic. 

Today I am covering how to be delivered from a demonic stronghold. According to Derek Prince, the first step toward breaking free of a demonic stronghold is realizing that you are dealing with a person who is not yourself. When that truth sets into your mind, you are 90% set free. 

We must understand who the real enemy is. Our enemies are not people. Our enemies are the evil spirits who drive people to do bad things. A demonic stronghold occurs when a demonic power tries to operate through a person, which means that the person is not thinking or acting on their own behalf. 

Simply put, you are not yourself when you are under a demonic stronghold. 

In Ephesians 6:12, we are told that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities and powers of darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil." 

We must identify the right adversary. And when we think that people are the enemy, then Satan is off the hook and he gets a free pass as he laughs and watches us attack each other. What we should be doing is addressing the demonic spirits that are driving their behavior and leading them to behave badly. 

So the first step toward being delivered from a demonic stronghold is realizing that you are dealing with something that is not you. The second step is being humble. Pride is a barrier to deliverance. 

Another barrier is resentment. No deliverance can occur when you are holding onto anger, unforgiveness or any kind of resentment. You must forgive everyone and say their names out loud, then say that you forgive them. 

Then you must be honest about any sin in your life and call your sin what it is. God will reveal to you any sin that needs your confession if you ask Him. But most likely you already know what your sins are. So confess any known sin committed by you or by your ancestors. Demons travel through bloodlines and they can affect the next generation. 

The next step is repentance and accepting personal responsibility for the decision you made to commit that sin. Repent means to turn away from something. This might involve breaking contact with people or getting rid of any objects in your home that represent your bad choices; for example, you should burn any occult objects.

After doing all that, you are ready to expel or cast out the demonic stronghold against you. 

Say this and mean it:

"Jesus Christ, I believe that you are the son of God who died on the cross for my sins. I renounce my sins (say them by name). Then name the people you need to forgive. And finally, you say this: Deliver me from all evil spirits. I command them to go in the name of Jesus." 

Then you stop. Do not feel like you must repeat this or go on praying about it. Believe that you have been delivered. And thank God for setting you free. 

The last thing I want to share on this subject is a personal story about my experience with demonic strongholds. I won't go into detail because it simply isn't necessary. The first stronghold came over me because I couldn't forgive someone for a very deep hurt. 

After a while I began to feel like my mind and actions were totally being controlled and not in a good way. Remember, when under a demonic stronghold, you are dealing with a person who is not yourself. That person is a demon. 

I soon felt that the only way to break free of my bondage was to break free of the person that I couldn't forgive. I was told that I wasn't the same person anymore, and I didn't know how to fix it. So I ended my first marriage, thinking that it was the only answer to being set free from my torment. 

The Bible clearly tells us the dangers of unforgiveness. We will be released to the tormentors when we don't forgive. The tormentors are demons. 

My second experience with a demonic stronghold also involved the sin of unforgiveness. Once again, I could not let go of a deep wound and I brought up that old hurt in a very inappropriate way. That stronghold was far worse because it culminated with a three-day attack of insomnia that resulted in me dropping to the floor and being unable to move or speak. 

A demonic attack can go on for days or weeks. Just read the book of Job if you want to know how that works. 

I was finally able to set myself free of the stronghold through a powerful prayer and by continuing to pray for several weeks. That experience has given me the ability to recognize demonic attacks and I now have complete confidence in my ability to fight back. 

One thing I have learned is the value of forgiveness. I will never again hold any kind of anger or resentment toward anyone. I learned twice that the biggest loser when holding a grudge is me. 

That doesn't mean I won't feel frustration or disappointment with people. And it doesn't mean that I won't call out bad behavior. I  always have the right to hold people accountable and stay away from those who abuse me. But I do not have the right to stay angry with anyone and harbor resentment toward them. That just gives the devil an open door.

We must remember that Satan is the demonic driving force behind people when they begin to act evil. 

The Bible tells us, "resist the devil and he will flee from you." We must resit the temptation to do and say things that go against God's word. But we must also take authority over the demonic spirits that lead people to behave badly. 

Luke 10:19 tells us, "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy." Jesus is telling us in that scripture that we have authority to fight back. Snakes and scorpions represent demons. 

So if you are dealing with anyone who is abusing you at work or anyone who is causing you harm in any way, this is what you say:

"I exercise authority over this situation in the name of Jesus. I plead the blood of Jesus over everyone involved. I exercise my authority against you, Satan, and against every tactic and strategy you are bringing against me through these people. I command you to cease and desist in your tactics. You will not come against me today. In the name of Jesus, I shut down the demonic powers coming against me through these people."

Remember that people are not the enemy. People act evil because they are deceived. We haven't been given authority over people. We've been given authority over the devil. Our job is not to change people. But we can bind and take authority over all the darkness and deception that is operating in their lives. 

So let your opposition be against the enemy and not against people. Joining hearts in our love for God and each other is the unity we need right now. 

DOES SOMETHING HAVE A HOLD ON YOU? Part 2

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                

Our paths in life can be disturbing or pleasant. We have the power to choose what we fill our minds with, and that is what determines the scenery along the way. 

If you haven't read part one of this post, please go to the web version of my blog and scroll up until you find it. If you are seeing this on Facebook, you can find my blog at www.upliftyourspirit.blogspot.com

This is definitely the most difficult topic I have tackled so far. It has been on the back burner for months, because I knew it would not be easy to write and I knew that many people would reject the subject completely. I am beyond worrying about what people think of me, but I know that reading something like this will cause some to question my beliefs. People always question what they don't believe in or understand. 

One thing we can never question is the personal testimony of what someone has experienced. I have learned to never reject or downplay things that people say they have experienced. I simply don't have that right. As I said in part one, I will share my experience with demonic strongholds at the end of this series. This isn't something I would have ever written about if I had not gone through exactly what Derek Prince warned of in his teaching on evil spirits. 

According to Prince, much infirmity and pain is demonic. Not every sickness and disease, and not all pain is demonic, but much of it is. Some examples include epilepsy, migraines, head pain, nerve pain, allergies, crippling or a twisted body, and insomnia. My insomnia was caused by a severe adverse reaction to the prescription drug, Lupron, which is believed by Dr. Mercola to cause permanent neurological damage. But there is also a spirit of insomnia that can keep you awake and tired so you are not productive for the kingdom of God. 

Deliverance from demonic infirmities and pain requires that you set your will against it, renounce the spirit by name and command it to go in the name of Jesus. For example, I would say, "Spirit of arthritis, I command you to leave my body in the name of Jesus." Deliverance may come all at once or it may come gradually over time. But any act of your will that brings change requires a strong determination and total faith that you will be healed.  

According to Prince, demons can enter our lives in many ways. If your family has an occult background or you had a personal involvement in the occult, demons were given an open door. God hates fortunetelling, mediums, casting spells and talking to the dead. These are all invitations for demonic entrance. That's why it's not a good idea to let your children watch TV shows or cartoons where such activity is displayed. 

Some other ways that demons can come into our lives include:

Prenatal influences or pressures in early childhood (Most demonic depression happens by the age of 8)

Manipulation of a controlling person (Being tied to another person is often demonic)

Sudden terror or a moment of weakness (The devil often chooses the weakest moment, the weakest place or a weak person)

Sinful acts such as adultery, abusing others, or telling tales and lying. 

According to David Diga Hernandez, demons attack believers by deception and then that deception becomes everyday feelings. They can attack through sickness or through someone violent or demon-possessed. As I said in part one, Christians who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior can never be demon possessed, but they can develop demonic strongholds as a result of their own sins. 

So we might need deliverance from both deception and strongholds. Indoctrination is a stronghold. Anything people believe that contradicts scripture can become a stronghold. For example, believing that you must earn your salvation can take a strong hold on your mind. Or a thought might come out of nowhere and you can get caught up in a cycle of negative thinking. Guilt, shame and paranoia are examples of demonic strongholds. 

Intimidation is a stronghold;  for example, feeling like you're not safe or you're going to fail. You must address and get control of negative thought patterns to overcome such a stronghold. This takes a deliberate act of your will to counteract every negative thought with the truth of God's word. If you don't know God's word, then you don't have the weapons to fight negative thoughts. 

When bad things happen to you that are a part of life, the enemy has opportunity to affect your mind. Depression or heaviness is often the result of a tragedy.  Feeling unloved, disconnected, discouraged or having low energy and no motivation are strongholds. A demon only needs to get you to believe a lie. It doesn't necessarily have to attach to you or possess you in order to accomplish that. 

Distraction is a stronghold. When something is distracting us from spending time with God in prayer, praise and worship, the devil wins. Family divisions, disturbing problems and debates keep us from reading the Bible and having our minds on God. 

For example, debating on Facebook is a distraction. I got caught up in that insanity when all the mask nonsense was going on. But distractions come in many areas of our lives--our jobs, our relationships, our disappointments and all the problems that go along with those things can consume our thinking to the point of not being able to concentrate on what God wants us to focus on. 

Confusion is another stronghold. Conflicting information or clinging to a lie causes confusion, We should always look for information that is backed by the word of God. Instead of saying that what you believe couldn't possibly be wrong, you should humble yourself and find the answers in the Bible or do your own research because there is a chance that your source of information is wrong. 

The final stronghold I will discuss is mental anguish or mental torment. Any troubling thought will cause you to lack peace. We should never criticize people who are struggling with mental issues including mental illness. But there is a way out of this stronghold that occurs when Satan repeatedly speaks deceptive things into our minds. 

Isaiah 26:3 tells us that you will have perfect peace when your mind is stayed on the Lord. If that sounds too simple of an answer, you most likely have never put your mind to trying it. In the past few months, I have grown closer to God than ever before. And the result of this is an incredible peace that I have never known before.  Not just peace, but also a confidence, a boldness, and a deeper sense of joy and hope. 

Yes, I still have problems that pop up every day, but I instantly know how to handle each problem because the closeness I developed with God allows Him to speak to me. He doesn't speak audibly, but he gives me answers through wise advice from people I trust or through something I read. 

Sometimes I read the answer in the Bible. Sometimes I read it in a Christian book from an author I trust. Sometimes the answer comes through an open door of opportunity or a gut feeling that comes over me. God speaks in many ways. In fact, the ways that God speaks to us is my next blog topic. But before I get to that, I will wrap up my present topic with part three of demonic strongholds in my next post. 

Until then, keep your mind on seeking truth and the important things in life. A life without God is not even close to the incredible life he meant for you to have. 

DOES SOMETHING HAVE A HOLD ON YOU?

                                                     

Like a locust clings to a tree, creepy things can cling to us.

                                               

The next topic that God put on my heart is a tough one. And it will probably take several posts to complete because there is so much to say. It's a topic that makes many people uncomfortable, and you might be one of those people. 

You might not even read this post in its entirety because you don't believe in the subject matter, or if you do believe, you would rather not think about it because it's just too disturbing. The subject is evil spirits a.k.a. demons...how they affect us, how they get control of us, and how we can be delivered from them. 

I watched a video by Derek Prince and took notes on it. That is where I got the information I'm going to share. But I have an even deeper source of information, which is my own personal experience. I know that the demonic world is real because I experienced it myself. 

I believe that God allowed me to experience a demonic stronghold because he wants me to educate people about the devil's tactics.  Pastors have not done a good job of teaching on this subject. They have failed to warn their flock about this very important danger that affects our lives in so many ways. 

The Bible says, "The devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 

If you believe that the Bible is the word of God, then you have no excuse for ignoring that scripture. It's right there. Look it up yourself. That sentence is clearly written in the present tense, so telling me that demons don't affect us today is an empty-headed belief with nothing to back it up. 

At the end of this three-part series, I will share my personal story about the demonic world and how I was affected by it. There have actually been two specific times in my life when I was affected by a demonic stronghold. The first time was back in the early 90's and I didn't really know what was happening to me. It wasn't until I looked back years later that I realized what it was. That demonic stronghold contributed to the break-up of my first marriage as I allowed a spirit of unforgiveness to fester within me. 

Now some of you are probably wondering, how does a confessing Christian become affected by the demonic world? If you are a born-again believer who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and savior, you cannot be demonically possessed. But you can develop a demonic stronghold as a result of sin in your life. Being a Christian does not shield you from your own sins, so you will always reap the consequences of sin, no matter where your heart is with God. 

There are three things that demons can do:

They can torment and torture you. 

They can keep you from knowing Christ. 

And they can keep you from serving Him. 

Those are the goals of demons, and they are relentless in accomplishing their goals. Behind every negative emotion or attitude, there is a demon. 

What are the characteristics of demons? 

They will entice, harass and torment you emotionally and physically. Refusing to forgive someone is an example of sin that will cause emotional torment. The Bible warns that those who refuse to forgive will be released to the tormentors. The tormentors are demons. 

Demons will compel you to do bad things or enslave you with a variety of addictions. They can project evil thoughts and images into your mind. They can deceive people or make them weak, sick or tired. 

Demons often operate in gangs. False religions are demonic, and getting involved in a false religion can invite demonic activity. When I was a kid, we played with a Ouija board, not knowing how dangerous it was. I shudder to think what we invited into our lives through that very naive decision. 

Witchcraft, dabbling in the occult and fortune-telling are dangerous ways to invite the works of demons into your life. Pride and rebellion can also invite a demonic stronghold. 

Some other things that invite demons are fear, rejection, resentment, disappointment, loneliness, misery, depression, self-destruction, unbelief, doubt, lying gossip, criticism, fornication, adultery, masturbation, homosexual encounters, pornography, prostitution, sexual fantasy and lusts.

Frustration in our lives can cause other problems such as overeating, cigarette smoking, alcohol addiction, or an addiction to soft drinks. Coke actually contains a small amount of cocaine. That's how the beverage got its name. All these addictions create an inviting atmosphere for demonic strongholds. I'm not saying a glass of Coke is going to hurt you. I'm saying that becoming addicted to anything is contrary to the freedom God wants us to have in Him. 

If you're still with me and didn't click off of this topic, I invite you to come back for part two, which I will be working on tomorrow and posting within the next few days. This is a heavy subject and it's a lot to take in. So I felt it wise to break it down into several parts. Until then, you can research Derek Prince and his teachings at Derek Prince Ministries USA. He also has a You Tube channel.

WATCH ME WALK AWAY

                                                                            

                                                                                

Walking away is sometimes the best thing you can do.

A very important part of respecting and caring for each other is validating one another's feelings. I have a hard time getting close to people who downplay or make light of my hurts, or people who make excuses for those who behave badly.  

One of the best responses I ever got from someone after I reached a breaking point with people behaving badly was this:

"Danelle, your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to feel them."

That's exactly the point I'm trying to make. When someone gets hurt, the last thing that person needs is someone to come along and downplay what happened or make excuses for what took place. That's like punching the hurting person even more by telling them that they shouldn't feel what they are feeling. It's an uncaring slap in the face. 

The word I'm talking about here is empathy, which is the ability to identify with the thoughts, feelings and attitudes of another. People who lack empathy are often self-absorbed. If the situation didn't affect them, then they can't see what the big deal is. They don't have the ability to put themselves in the hurting person's shoes and understand why that person feels as they do.

When I sense that someone lacks empathy, I am very careful what I share with that person. I become quiet and reserved around an unempathetic person. Why would I risk having that person make me feel foolish for the way I feel? Why would I want to listen to them rubbing salt into the wound? 

The older I get, the more I want to stay away from people who aren't good for my emotional health. And there's nothing wrong with that. By staying away, people might see it as me being unforgiving or resentful, but that's not why I stay away. 

Jesus walked away from people all the time when he felt mistreated. Jesus was willing to walk away and he let other people walk away at least 41 times in the Bible. I want to invest my time in reliable people who handle my concerns with care, just as Jesus did. 

Learn to find the reliable people in your life, the ones who are fruitful, ready and eager to step into every situation with understanding, empathy and kindness. Those are the people you should be spending time with.

GOD SENT ME CHEER FROM A BOX IN THE BASEMENT

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                

                                                                

A column I wrote in 1996 came back to me as a message from God at a time when I needed some cheer.

I often ask God for messages and signs to let me know He's there and He cares. Some people would call them Godwinks. A Godwink is an event or personal experience so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as a prayer. Nonbelievers would say the astonishing experience is a coincidence, but believers have faith that such events are an act of God. 

I keep a journal that's meant for writing down all the ways I hear from God. "Let me see you in this day," is a daily prayer for me. Over the years, I noticed that God uses certain things to encourage me. One of those things is birds. That may sound a little crazy, but God loves to encourage His children, and he finds any way He can to do so.

A few days ago, I was deeply troubled. I went into my bedroom and sat at the window. I needed to clear my head. So I just sat there, looking out across the front yard. Other than the wind pushing dead leaves and swaying trees, no sign of movement caught my eye. Just another dead cold winter day. 

Then after about ten minutes, my front yard suddenly came alive with bird activity. Birds were flying in and out of trees; two cardinals fluttered a streak of red very close to the window; a bird landed on the grass in front of me and stayed there for a while. Those birds were such a joyful sight because I knew who sent them. 

I was visited by a dove this summer on a night when I needed some encouragement. It landed two feet away from my feet and looked directly at me. A dove is a symbol of the Holy Spirit. God winked at me through a bird that symbolizes part of the holy trinity. No part of that is a coincidence

 Broad-winged birds often soar directly above me while I'm driving. By faith, I take all these bird encounters as uplifting reminders that God sees me. I'm not just another person in a world of seven billion. He cares about the things that trouble me and he wants to bring me joy. 

I recently came across a Godwink when I was helping my mom clean her basement. While going through a box of papers, my mother pulled out a copy of a column I wrote while working as a staff writer for the Citizen Standard newspaper. I had a column called, Life Lightly Salted. I was a single mother at the time, so I often wrote about Motherhood and its many challenges. 

The day I came across that column in my mom's basement titled, Many Mothers Missing Life, I was feeling pretty beat up. Beat up by people I had helped that didn't appreciate my help. Beat up by people changing plans and putting me in the back seat. And beat up by people who are just plain rude. I was feeling like a punching bag. And I knew that the best way out of my stupor was to help someone, so I offered to help my mom. 

I'm sharing the column in its entirety at the bottom of this post. But first I want to share why I found it so uplifting to come across that particular piece of writing. The two years I spent as a single mother were the hardest two years of my life. But God was watching over me the entire time. I was offered a job at the newspaper without even applying for it. How does that happen, if not by divine intervention?

As you read the column below, you'll understand why I believe that my finding it was God's way of reminding me that He's right here with me, especially when life gets hard. Coming across that particular column from April of 1996, was a message from Him. And I believe the message is this: 

Danelle, you take a back seat to no one because you're the daughter of a King. Yes, people will abuse you, but they also abused Jesus, so you're walking in blessed footsteps. And when you make sacrifices for others who don't appreciate it, I see those sacrifices, and I will pour out my blessings at just the right moment. 

If you're a busy mother, you might relate to these words I wrote 16 years ago:

                                       MANY MOTHERS MISSING LIFE

As mothers and breadwinners, we overburden ourselves. We sacrifice leisure time to accomplish everything. And in the rush to get it all done, we miss life. 

A mother lives in a state of stress when she goes straight from work to the grocery store, then the laundromat. She has so much on her mind, she doesn't hear the chattering boy behind her. 

He's only talking to himself as he explains the project he made in school. While Mom's busy comparing peanut butter prices, she misses the enthusiasm on her son's face as he talks about the "Super Satellite Dish" he created for invention day. She pretends to hear him. She nods her head and says, "That's great Sweetie." But he knows she's not really listening. 

Mom's in another world again. The world of survival, where everything revolves around time and there's never enough of it.

She finally gets a chance to sit down once the laundry is loaded. Twenty minutes to think about nothing. She stretches across the uncomfortable laundromat chairs and rests her mind and body. 

But her son is full of energy. He wants to go next door for pizza and pinball. "Maybe next week, Sweetie," she whispers. He walks away with his head down and checks the coin machine for unclaimed quarters.

As hard as we try to do it all and do it well, mothers usually have to make sacrifices if they want to accomplish everything in a week. Time for her children is a great sacrifice. 

When a mother rushes through her day, she overlooks all the things that make life special. A calm night rain goes unheard. The evening sky soothes no nerves. And the thoughts of a child are tuned out for more "important" thoughts. 

The sink is stacked. The floor's a mess. It's late. She has no time to sit behind a book with him tonight. Perhaps tomorrow, when there's not so much to do. 

She whispers a promise, steals a kiss, then rushes away. 

WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                            

My friend, Debbie is in the middle. We've been friends since high school

Vulnerability is defined as emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty toward being honest and seen. Many people are hesitant to share their struggles, their failures, their fears, shame and shortcomings. But the hard decision to open ourselves up to others actually has a healing element to it. 

As a writer, I find this to be very true. If you read all my posts labeled "A Look At Life," you will find many times when I admit my failures, disappointments, struggles, fears and areas where I feel inadequate. Some people might think I'm too honest, but I believe that I'm nudged to write about these things by the God who understands these things. 

G.K. Chesterson said, "We men and women are all in the same boat upon a stormy sea. We owe each other a terrible and tragic loyalty." 

In the book, Stronger: How Hard Times Reveal God's Greatest Power, Clayton King says,

 "We all go through the same storms and we all need each other to survive. The human condition is weakness. It is difficulty and struggle and failure. None of us is immune, and we're all in the same boat. If we can remember this simple fact, that the people we need to be vulnerable with are just as vulnerable as we are, then it's a little easier to open up with them without fear or pretense." 

He goes on to explain that fear is always what prevents people from being vulnerable. "That's why what people often project as strength-- seeming to have it all together, to be unshakable and detached--is often not strength at all. When we act as if we are unable to be hurt, unaffected by the things that bring others pain, we are acting out of fear. We fear being exposed in any way that might subject us to more pain, humiliation or rejection. Deep down we suspect that if God or the people around us saw us for who we really are, they would walk away." 

I think many relationships would improve if people were more willing to be vulnerable and admit to each other the things they fear or struggle with. If we could more openly share our disappointments, oh the many things we could learn from each other. Failures, shame and shortcomings are something we all have in common. But sharing these things with others brings along the fear of being rejected and unloved. So we keep things to ourselves.

It's a self-defeating thing because human connection gives a sense of meaning and purpose to life. And the best way to connect with someone is to be vulnerable and pour out your heart along with all its scars and past hurts. We need other people, and in order to connect with them, we must be vulnerable enough to share the reality of our lives, and that reality always includes pain. 

The people I'm closest with in my life are people I trust with my vulnerabilities. Those people are my friend Debbie, my friend Tam and my daughter, Delaina. I'm blessed to have three people I can trust who will not betray me or lack empathy when I share something I'm struggling with. 

I have also learned who I should not share things with. When someone is not open to hearing my hurts, I take that person off my list. When someone downplays my hurts, I say I will never again share my pain with that person. When someone makes excuses for people who hurt me, I never again give that person an opportunity to do so. I have become very good at distancing myself from toxic people. 

But for the people I can be vulnerable with, I am very grateful. We all need someone like that in our lives. I hope that you have at least one person in your life that you can be vulnerable with. If not, you are missing a human connection that is very fulfilling and healing. If you feel that something is missing in your life, it could very well be someone you can trust with your vulnerabilities.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective"   James 5:16

I think our greatest sense of meaning and purpose is found in the human connections we have with others. But those connections can never be strong if we don't get real and confess the messy things we are going through. Yes, there is a fear we will be rejected. But you can't learn who you can trust if you don't take that chance. 

The power of vulnerability is learning who is in your corner, who has your back and who will stand up for you. And that is priceless information. So be vulnerable today and see what you learn about people, what you learn about yourself, and how your life can have more meaning and purpose through your relationships. 

We're all in the same boat, and we should know where our lifesavers are.

TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

By Danelle Carvell                                                             

My youngest granddaughter and my daughter 

I've been pondering a Christmas blog post. What to write about? So as I'm waiting for my cookie dough to thaw, I'm here at my keyboard with no idea what's going to come out of me. What would God want me to write about is the question I ask when I don't know what to say. 

I'm sitting at my bedroom window with my laptop, watching the snow fall. Snow is so peaceful. It covers everything with a pure, white blanket, and watching it slowly fall has a tranquilizing effect. 

What else brings peace to our lives? 

Of all times in the year, Christmas should be the most peaceful because of what it represents. Yet, the week leading up to Christmas is often the most hectic week of the year. I have noticed over the years that gift-giving can cause a lot of stress in families. Perhaps that is why some people decide to give it up altogether. 

We can get into arguments about the who, what, when, where and why of giving gifts. The problem arises when not everyone agrees. Some might want to skip the gift exchange completely; others might want to buy for everyone. We all have different ideas about giving gifts and the reason for that is because a gift comes from the heart of the individual. And no one should dictate to others what gift-giving should be. 

I have done this myself, so I'm not pointing fingers. It's very easy to become so stressed by the thought of buying gifts for everyone that you just want to skip it for a year. That has been suggested in my family more than once, and it was fine for those who agreed. But both times it was suggested, not everyone was happy about it. 

Remember, a gift comes from the heart of the individual, so when one person makes a group decision about gifts, that person takes away what was brewing in everyone else's heart about gifts that year. Traditions are important to some people. They don't want Christmas to change. Or maybe they just really enjoy giving gifts. 

To some people, gift-giving is a love language. It's their way of expressing love. Why would anyone want to take away a person's chosen way to express love? The world certainly needs more love. 

Another thing that causes stress is assigned gifts. I was once assigned a gift I couldn't afford and it turned out to be a disaster. I should have said, No. But I fulfilled my duty because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Ironically, it turned out to be an even greater disappointment than it would have been if I had declined the assignment. 

When something doesn't feel right, that's a good indication that you should question it. The old saying, "When in doubt, don't do it" is a good rule to follow. Always trust your instincts when it comes to gift-giving because your heart knows. No one should ever assign someone a gift. We can make suggestions, but we should never expect someone to complete a gift assignment that was not their own idea. That's just wrong. 

Another major source of stress in families is the where and when of gift giving. This is especially challenging in large families where everyone wants to see their children and grandchildren and everyone wants their share of time. Decisions are often made to make things more convenient for families or to cut down on the amount of traveling. Fitting all the Christmas visits into one day can mean making changes that not everyone likes. 

I have experienced this in my family and I know other families have conflicts over the time and place of family visits at Christmas. Some people don't adapt well to change because they want Christmas to be where and when it always was. When something becomes a Christmas tradition, any kind of change can be a big disappointment. And when a change is made for the sake of having more time somewhere else, it can feel like a rejection. 

Sometimes people just don't show up because of personal conflicts with other family members. Then there are hard feelings when someone who should be there decides not to come because they don't want to deal with the family friction. Having the entire family in one place for hours can lead to something being done or said that causes discord. After a while, it's just easier to stay away.

The list of reasons why this time of year can be stressful is a long one. I didn't really give any answers to the Christmas chaos. I only pointed out the stressors that we deal with. I can say that perhaps we need to focus more on the reason for the season and less on the other stuff. Who we are celebrating deserves more of our time and attention. And maybe when we do that, we can more easily work out the other stuff. 

What brings peace to our lives? One Bible verse comes to mind. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee." Isaiah 26:3

Wishing you a Joyful, Peaceful Christmas.