TWO PROPHETIC ALERTS

CHANGING THE WORLD RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE: A BOOK REVIEW

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

What would the world look like if we all made intentional efforts to bless one another?  

That is a question both asked and answered in Becky Kopitzke’s book, Generous Love:Discover the Joy of Living “Others First”. Reading it has encouraged me to love more generously and more purposefully. If there’s anything our broken world needs right now, it’s the healing balm of a basic lesson in loving people.

But why should you love and bless people? Kopitzke answers that question in Chapter 13, where she offers two answers: because God says so, and because it benefits you. When Jesus was asked to name the top commandment, he also offered two answers: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind; and love your neighbor as yourself. 

If you’re a follower of Jesus, God expects you to be who you claim to be. According to the Bible, loving people is how we prove our love for God: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” We can’t separate loving God from loving people. They are one and the same because God is the one who commands us to love others. 

In Chapter 14, And Because It Benefits You Too, Kopitzke explains the second reason why we should love and bless others. “True blessings are not granted with the intent of getting something in return,” she writes. But the Bible is clear that when we do what God commands us to do, we will be rewarded. 

In Proverbs we are told that those who are kind benefit themselves but the cruel bring ruin on themselves. It is the basic law of sowing and reaping spoken of in 2 Corinthians that comes into play. Being rewarded for obedience is part of God’s system, Kopitzke reminds us. But our rewards may not be what we expect. 

Yes, blessing others might directly result in financial gain, a dream job, a healing or a restored relationship, but the better gift is being filled with more of God. “When we receive more of God, we start thinking the way He thinks and wanting more of what He wants. He infuses us with deeper peace, firmer trust, and fuller joy,” Kopitzke writes. 

 Perhaps the best way to bless others is to pray for them. In her book, Kopitzke reminds us that you don’t even have to get out of bed to make yourself useful and help people. Prayer is the most powerful work a person can do. She also points out that prayer can be a negative thing when it’s used as a form of gossip or to scold or shame people. 

“We need to pray for Janice, I think her husband is having an affair.” A comment like that is just a sneaky way to gossip more than it is a genuine concern for Janice. I wouldn’t want my personal business advertised for the sake of prayer. Personal issues should always remain personal unless the person with the issue decides to make it public. We simply don’t have the right to make that decision for anyone. 

And then we have the prayer shamers: “I’m going to pray so you can get over this. It’s really not healthy for you to keep dwelling on it.” First of all, only the person who experienced the hurt has the right to determine the time frame for getting over something. We cross major boundaries when we determine that ourselves. We need to be careful about using prayer as a way to shame people. That’s not blessing them in any way. It only reveals our own mean spirit. 

Whenever I see or hear about people being mean, my first thought is always how unhappy they must be. Happy people have no reason to be mean. They want the best for others because they are content with their own lives. We may think that our mean words or actions are really just harmless, but God doesn’t see it that way. “Because any sin, no matter the size or shape or intention, is offensive to God,” Kopitzke reminds us. 

I love the title of Chapter 2: Why Are We So Stinking Selfish? She mentions self-absorption, pride, entitlement, envy, distractions and fatigue as the six common pitfalls of our sin nature that tempt us to think and act selfishly. When we don’t see beyond ourselves, we don’t think about what other people might be going through or what they might need. “And it’s awfully hard to bless someone you’re jealous of,” Kopitzke points out. But the most likely reason we fail to bless others is that we are just too darn tired because life is so busy and full of distractions. 

Along with our prayers, we can also bless people with our presence, our possessions, and our perspective. Do you realize that you can bless people simply by looking them in the eye when they speak? Kopitzke lists 50 ways to bless people within each of four categories: prayer, presence, possessions, and perspective. She offers a total of 200 ways we can encourage others and bless them by lifting their spirits while also lifting our own.

Some of the things on her list really jumped out at me:

Welcome an interruption as part of God’s plan for your day.

Smile at people.

When tempted to point out a person’s flaws, pray for God to help you recognize your own.

Be friendly to service people. Ask how their day is going. Thank them for the work they do.

Pray for bad drivers who cut you off. (I remind myself of the stupid things I’ve done while driving)

Listen more than you talk.

Drop off a gift basket for a single mom and her children (I would have loved this at one time).

Encourage your children’s God-given personality and interests.

But I think my favorite is this one: When your child needs your attention, but you’re engaged in a conversation, teach her to lay a hand on your arm. Place your hand on hers to acknowledge her request. Then finish your discussion before tending to your child. This allows you to bless the person you’re talking to with your undivided attention and shows your kids that you can be present for them and others at the same time. 

Blessing others is about respecting people as individual souls created by God. If we can’t bless our own children, then that’s where we need to start. The author says that we are all shamefully prone to ignoring other people. That’s why we need to make an intentional daily effort if we want to experience the joy of living “others first”. 

“Generous love is more than a singular act of kindness or an isolated whim of generosity. It’s a habit. A lifestyle. A (daily) choice,” says Kopitzke. I wonder how many opportunities I missed throughout my life to express love for the people God placed in my path. After reading this book, I don’t want to miss any more. Each of us has the power to change the world right where we are because the greatest change can begin with the smallest acts of kindness. 

A final quote from the author seems a fitting way to end this book review: “Every day, every hour is a gift from Him, the Creator of time and space. And He expects us to use it well.” 

I hope to be told someday that I used my time well.

DO YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING?

Crimes or Cover-Up? Exposing the World’s Most Dangerous Lie

THE GIFT OF LONELINESS

                                                                                    

                                                                                    

Recently, I watched an episode of Touched By An Angel, a TV show about angels who help people on earth.  That particular show inspired me to write about loneliness.  The episode was about a lonely, desperate woman named Zoey.  She had recently been dumped by her boyfriend and she was feeling as if she’d never find a man who would want to marry her.  She longed for a husband and children.  She was tired of coming home every night to a lonely apartment. 

     

One night when Zoey was leaving a bar with a man of questionable character, two angels, Monica and Andrew, stopped her.  Then Monica gave her a message from God.  She told Zoey that love isn’t something you shop for and she’d never find her ideal man in a bar.  “To find the right man, you have to become the right woman,” Monica said.  She was suggesting to Zoey that she fill her lonely life with giving love to others.  She told her to trust God and wait for His timing to bring the right man into her life.

     

At the end of the show, Zoey was sitting outside on a beautiful summer day talking to an elderly woman in a wheel chair.  She had become a volunteer companion for residents at a rest home.  She had taken her angel’s advice.

The loneliest time in my life was after my divorce.  I was so lonely that I longed to have my old life back. I wished that I had stayed married. An unhappy marriage seemed better than the loneliness I felt as a newly single mother.  The first night in my new apartment, I cried until I was exhausted.

For two years, after my divorce, I lived as an unmarried, unhappy woman.  The choices I made during that time weren’t the best choices. Once again, like I did in my early twenties, I pursued a social life in bars and night clubs.  Every weekend my girlfriends and I went out dancing and drinking, hoping to find Mr. Right.

 If I had it to do over, I would have filled my loneliness with community service not smoke-filled bar rooms.  I would have been less desperate and trusted God to bring the right man into my life.  Those two years I spent shopping for a man after my divorce could have been better spent. Working on becoming the right woman instead of looking for the right man attracts men of better quality. The good guy actually finds you while you're busy loving others.

But you don't have to be single to be lonely. Some of the loneliest people are married. Maybe it's a lack of communication or a lack of kindness, the reasons for a lonely marriage are many. Sometimes the loneliness is a result of wishing for more freedom or wanting your single days back. When that obsession takes over your mind, you become discontent and see the blessings in your life as burdens.

Satan loves to destroy families by filling married people's minds with the belief that they missed out on sowing their wild oats. Maybe they married young and never got to "enjoy" the single life. Then after a few years of marriage, the responsibilities become burdensome and they want to break free and have fun like their single friends. It's a recipe for disaster in a marriage and it could lead to the kind of loneliness Zoey felt when her angels intervened.

The following advice comes from an adaptation of the book, Loneliness by Elizabeth Elliott.  Her words are poetic and full of truth:

“The answer to our loneliness is love- not our finding someone to love us, but our surrendering to the God who has always loved us with an everlasting love.  Loving Him is then expressed in a joyful and full-hearted pouring out of ourselves in love to others. As I find my place of service within the community of God’s people, there is little time left to be lonely.  For me the answer to loneliness is not to solve it, but to embrace it as a gift from a loving Father and to offer it back to Him, so that He can transform it into a gift for others.  Knowing that my aloneness comes from the hand of a loving Father enables me to receive it as a gift, not a curse.”

Loneliness is a gift?  I think what the author means is that it’s an opportunity to give something of yourself to the world.  When we finally do marry and have children, we become so busy with our own lives that we don’t really notice the needs of people outside our immediate families.  The “gift” is the opportunity to be a blessing to others while we have the time to do it.

  

If you are lonely and single, take that angel’s advice and fill your unmarried days with a pouring out of yourself to others.  Don’t be in such a hurry to find a husband.  Trust God.  He wants to give you the very best.  Relax and wait for His timing.  Put the choice in God's hands and you’ll never have to shop for love.  It will simply appear one day while you’re out helping others. God's law of attraction will bring the right man to you while you’re busy becoming the right woman.  

      

     

     

     

        

A REASON TO BE REAL

 

                                                                          

                                                                                

                                              My tea bag encouraging me to be real 
      

By Danelle Carvell

As women, we all lack confidence about something.  It could be a bothersome physical flaw or something we wish we could do better. The things we are most insecure about are the things we are most sensitive about. And if someone mentions that sore spot, look out.

Our failures, inadequacies and insecurities often cause the most torment in our lives and in our relationships. The feeling that we don’t measure up can consume many areas of our lives. We can feel like a financial failure or an academic failure.  We can feel bad about our parenting skills, our housekeeping, our bad decisions, our weight, our physical flaws and even our personality traits. The list is endless. 

But wouldn’t it be freeing if we could comfortably reveal the brokenness in our lives instead of hiding it and being tormented by it? Not one of us has it all together. We are all broken in different ways. When I mess up, I want my foolish mistake to manifest into something beautiful.  That won’t happen unless I admit my failure so it can either spark forgiveness or become a valuable lesson for others. 

As a writer, it’s not easy to share personal things that most people keep hidden.  That straight-from-the-heart writing that is so powerful requires complete honesty. But sharing the messy part of my life-- the things I dislike about myself, the struggles I face, and the failures I’ve had--is where my power lies to inspire others and to strengthen myself. The first step toward self improvement is admitting what needs fixing.

Letting others see who you are and how you think takes courage. But many women are reluctant to share their true selves and what they think, fear or worry about. They keep their thought life a secret and their insecurities hidden. Everything that troubles their minds stays within and it’s a lonely place to be. 

Do we fear being seen as broken and imperfect? In a world that idolizes strong, beautiful women, do we fear that we don’t measure up? Is that why women pretend to have it all together and get defensive when someone reveals a weakness they need to work on? 

What someone might gain by reading my truth is far more important than any embarrassment I feel when revealing  my messy life. But I needed to reach a certain level of experience and maturity before I could be that brave. Hiding my flaws, refusing to admit my mistakes and blaming others was the norm when I was younger. But there’s no beauty in that and there’s no learning from it. 

The key to breaking free of the phony me and becoming the real me was getting closer to God. When you carry around a false persona of perfection, you are more invested in the world than you should be. You are falling for the lies of our culture that tell women what they should be. Those lies keep women in constant competition and hating one another. God knows every single flaw and weakness you agonize over and He adores you anyway. 

When we learn to love ourselves as God loves us, we stop feeling insecure and inadequate. We forgive ourselves when we fail because God forgives us. We are quick to admit our mistakes instead of making excuses for them. And asking for forgiveness from those we hurt is much easier because He gives us the strength to do that.  

 When women finally learn this important truth: how God sees us matters more than how the world sees us, then we can stop exhausting ourselves trying to prove how right we are, how capable, strong and fearless we are.  Our relationships improve and our lives become more peaceful because we can rest in His unconditional love. 

It’s easy to spot a phony when you’ve been one yourself. She’s the girl who can’t relax. Maybe she needs constant attention or she’s always creating drama or talking sassy. She has no peace because she can’t see the blessings in her life. Her focus is on what she doesn’t have, and that steals her joy and contentment.  Her self-worth lies in her accomplishments so she talks about them often. She needs to control others and she’s relentless at it. That was me back in my insecure days. That was me needing Jesus. With Him, I have a reason to be real and the strength to pull it off.  

TELL THE LADY WITH LYMPHOMA WHAT YOU LAST BICKERED ABOUT

By Danelle Carvell

    As I pushed my cart through the grocery store today, I took extra notice to the people that passed by.  I wondered what their lives were like.  What problems they were agonizing over and what joys filled their days.  It struck me funny that I could pass so close to a human soul and know nothing about that person.

    Grocery store shoppers usually don’t make eye contact. They just scan the shelves as they push their carts past each other.  What is there to say really?  Every now and then someone will ask if I’ve tried a certain product.  Or they’ll ask if I know where they moved the salad dressing or some other elusive item.  “Yeah, they’re always moving things,” I say.

     When I get to the check out, I usually stand there in silence while the lady scans my groceries.  Every now and then I’ll start a conversation or she’ll start chatting.  We talk about the weather, or how busy the store is,  things like that.  Sometimes the younger girls will tell me personal things about their lives as if they’ve known me forever.  That always fascinates me, but I don’t mind.  It’s better than standing there in silence.

     After piling my groceries in the trunk, I headed to Rite Aid to pick up a birthday card. Surprisingly, the first one I read was perfect.  The only thing I didn’t like was the price.  I never paid five dollars for a card before.  As I mentioned this to the cashier, a lady appeared to my right and immediately began talking about her “diagnosis.”  The cashier listened intently as she handed me my change.  They were obviously friends, and I felt like an intruder standing between them during such a personal conversation.

     I heard the word “lymphoma” and that she needed more tests.  Within a few sentences I knew the woman beside me had cancer. Unlike the people I passed in the grocery store, I knew something about this stranger and it wasn’t pleasant.  For a moment I wanted to say something hopeful, but I didn’t.  I grabbed my purchase, put my wallet in my handbag, and headed for the door.  Then my mind flashed an image of me putting my hand on her shoulder as I passed by, to show some kind of support, some kind of encouragement.  But she was a stranger and it just didn’t feel comfortable.

    When I stepped outside, I breathed in slowly, closed my eyes and exhaled the thought: “God, don’t ever let that be me.”  The worst part of my day so far had been paying five dollars for a card. Suddenly it wasn’t a big deal.  All I could feel was grateful... grateful for my health and the health of my family, and grateful that I had the five dollars to buy a card.

     I started my car and headed home. As I drove I thought about the fuss people make over ridiculous things that they perceive as irritating. All that negative energy that causes even more agony for the people around them. Why can’t people just relax and enjoy their lives if they’re healthy and have good things going for them? 

     Everything we fuss about has a point at which we could choose to be grateful if we’d only decide to embrace our blessings. I hate waiting in lines, but while I stand in line waiting, I could be grateful that I have two healthy legs to stand on. I could think about that boy in my high school class who trudged through the hall on crutches, yet managed to carry his books with no help. 

     Our world is so filled with conflict right now. We shouldn’t be contributing to it with unnecessary bickering. God is looking for people with grateful hearts. He’s looking for peacemakers that he can promote to do the work our country needs to heal.  The brawlers, grumblers and complainers will be left behind with their regrets, trying to catch up to those God is blessing for their peaceful, grateful hearts.

     

WRITING REQUIRES A TOUGH SHELL

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

Perhaps the most difficult thing about writing is hearing opinions about what I write, how I should have said it, what's missing and what should have been left out of a story. I was always told to write what I know. And in order to do that, I must use examples from my own experiences. I write what I live daily, and that includes what other people do and say.

But sometimes a friend wrongfully assumes that I'm writing about her and gets offended. Other times I might quote someone anonymously, and she recognizes herself, then becomes upset that I didn't ask permission to quote her. And there have been times when my writing hit a sore spot with someone and I wondered if I should go back and rewrite or delete that part. 

I was talking about this with a friend recently and she said that being a writer requires growing a tough shell. I can't write with a goal of avoiding controversy or preventing people from getting their feelings hurt. I'm always shocked when people feel hurt by my words, but I appreciate their honesty.   

My intentions as a writer are to inspire, encourage, and assure people that they are not alone. We share many of the same experiences. By sharing the details of our lives, we can help others understand and navigate their own lives. We can facilitate a fresh perspective that positively changes a person's way of thinking. Good writing can do powerful things, but writing loses its power when the freedom to share valuable content is restrained. 

If people recognize themselves in my writing they should consider that I chose to share that for the greater good. Something they said or did is the perfect example for the message I'm trying to convey. I'm very careful to respect the people behind those examples. When someone feels trampled upon, it's usually because they misunderstood my intentions.

Everything I write passes through God's filter. He lets me know when I need to reword something or delete it. I do ask permission when I use names, but when I share something anonymously, I offer no apologies. Writers have a creative license to observe people and share anything that will be of value to others. It's our job to write truth, and anyone I know or observe could show up in that truth.    

If I share a disappointment that involved you, I didn't do that to make you look bad. I did it to share a lesson that could be beneficial to others. If I quote you anonymously, then you must have said something profound that others might learn from or be inspired by. But readers don't always consider the writer's intentions. They are quicker to focus on how they are affected by a story.  

I'm not the only writer that deals with this. One of my favorite episodes of The Waltons is about John Boy sacrificing an opportunity to have a story published when he realizes it would be embarrassing to Emily Baldwin. On several episodes of the show, Miss Emily reminisces about a past love named Ashley, who kissed her amid a whirlwind of golden leaves. Because she talks about Ashley so much, anyone in the community who reads John Boy's story would surely recognize who he was writing about.

At first Emily is excited that John Boy is writing her love story, but when he reads it to her, before sending it to the publisher, he sees the disappointment on her face. The fictional story conveyed his belief that Miss Emily's relationship with Ashley was a fantasy that she cultivated in her mind. When he sees how sad she becomes upon hearing the story, He decides to spare her the embarrassment of having it published. 

That story would have brought joy and entertainment to others because it was so well written, but John Boy decided that seeing his name in print wasn't worth hurting someone he cares about. I think that most writers would make the same decision. Those who write to hurt others are not blessed by God, the one who bestowed their talent in the first place. 

But at the same time, fiction is fiction. And maybe we should allow writers to be inspired by real life but also allow them the freedom to add whatever fictional content they choose. Nothing is more disappointing to a writer than putting her heart, soul and time into something only to have it scrapped when someone doesn't like it, be it a reader or an editor. 

I write because God gave me a talent and if I don't use it, I will have much to answer for some day. God wants to use my experiences to enrich the lives of others. Sharing the thoughts and experiences of the people around me is a big part of that.

My shell is getting tougher. The critical opinions are bouncing off better than they once did, because I know my heart and that gives me confidence. So if you recognize yourself in my writing, keep my heart in mind, and your shell might toughen too.   

  

 

LIFE AS A DOORMAT IS MESSY

                                                                     

                                                                            

Scarecrow was a mess and didn't have a brain. Like him, a life without boundaries is a messy life.

                                                                                   

       By Danelle Carvell

In my teens and early twenties I was a bit insecure.  I wanted people to like me so I became a people pleaser.  Being unable to say "No" put me in situations I shouldn't have been in. Often it was my "friends" who got me into these predicaments.  I'd end up at a sleazy party because a girlfriend was interested in some guy and she didn't want to go alone. I've been on dates I should have declined, and I've said yes to things I should have said no to, all because I wanted to please people and have them like me. 

      Now that I'm close to 60, I have become wiser and more assertive.  I've learned to stand up for myself and say "No!" to things that aren't good for me. And I’ve learned who my true friends are. I no longer need everyone to like me. If you bring nothing good to my life, I don’t care how you feel about me. 

      “The most basic boundary-setting word is no.  It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you,” say Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend in their book, Boundaries.  I highly recommend that book to anyone who has a problem establishing legitimate limits that are so essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I can’t love people effectively without boundaries and I can’t protect myself from manipulative or abusive relationships without taking control of my life. 

      Establishing boundaries is sometimes about trusting your instincts. When something doesn't feel right it probably isn't the right thing to do.  And people who truly care for you will respect your boundaries. If they don’t, perhaps you shouldn’t be spending time with them. 

      I’m not talking about becoming an overly-aggressive person who looks out only for herself. Sometimes we should do a difficult thing for the sake of helping friends and family. While the goal of a selfishly aggressive person is to get what she wants no matter who she hurts, the goal of an assertive person is to nurture her own well-being without hurting others.

But that doesn't mean you won't disappoint people. My friend wouldn't have died if she hadn't made it to that dreadful party, but she would have been disappointed. But I can't make her happy at my own expense, and no friend should ever expect that.

     It really is true that we teach people how to treat us. One of the first places women learn this is when they start dating. When I was 17, I went on one date with someone who surprised me by his invitation because I hadn’t noticed his interest in me. He just called me out of the blue and I said, yes. 

     Looking back, I  would have been wiser to say No. He later admitted that the only reason he asked me out was to get back at my former boyfriend for dating his former girlfriend. Talk about feeling used. I wanted to smack him. 

   I often thought about telling my daughter all my dating horror stories so she wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made. She did make some mistakes in that area, but now she’s married to a man who adores her and treats her with kindness and respect. I’m not taking credit for her good choice, but perhaps she learned to have boundaries because she saw that example in me.

     Becoming skilled at setting boundaries helps more than just you. Your children are watching you and learning how they should respond to people who abuse and take advantage of them. I didn’t raise doormats and I refuse to be one myself. Being used and abused is not God’s plan for you either. 

WHY GET MARRIED IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TALK?

 

                                                                                

                                                                                

                                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

Over two steaming cups at Starbucks, she shared her desire to have better communication with her husband.  “We don’t talk,” she said in a hopeless tone.  “He doesn’t think it’s a problem, but I feel like something’s missing in our marriage.”

My friend was expressing an emptiness that many women feel. I grew up with parents that didn’t talk, but because they never argued, I assumed they were happy. Many years after their divorce, my mother told me that she and my dad rarely talked about their problems.

Early in our marriage, my husband hated talking.  He hated it so much that I could see the fear in his eyes every time I said, “We need to talk.” Meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in a marriage, but from my experience, men don’t seem to have the same need. A man can think that everything is fine in the relationship while a woman can be deeply troubled and aware of a growing list of problems between them.

To spark better communication, the first thing I did was let my husband know that conversation is important to me. I did that by first mentioning something that is important to him: “Would you be happy if you couldn’t go hunting anymore?” I asked. That got his attention. Then I said, “As much as you need hunting to be happy, I need conversation with you.”

Men are not mind readers.  Don’t be the woman who coos, “If he really loved me, he would know what I need, I shouldn’t have to tell him.”  That’s just foolish.  You can’t realistically expect a man to magically know when your needs are going unmet.

Over the years, I tried different things to improve our talk time.  I tried setting aside a certain night for conversation, but it didn’t work because when I have a gripe I need to spill it then and there. I can’t wait until Thursday. I also learned that timing is everything.  I can’t spring a heavy conversation on Jim as soon as he gets home from work. He says he needs time to unwind. Sometimes men aren’t open to conversation simply because the timing is off.

The way you approach a man is also important.  You must be calm, not hysterical.  If that means giving yourself an hour to cool off, take it. Then, when it’s time to confront him, use a tone that’s soft, not an accusing tone.  Use introductory words like, “I feel” and “I need.”  Accusing words such as, “You always,” and “You never” will make a man feel like he’s being attacked. He will become defensive and you’ll end up frustrated because nothing will be resolved.

Every couple that wants their marriage to thrive must give themselves time each day that belongs to only them. This is why I believe in set bedtimes for children. Couples need to connect every day and share their thoughts and feelings.  Without the connection that talking brings to a marriage, you’ll feel more like roommates than husband and wife. 

I’ll say it again, meaningful conversation is one of a woman’s greatest needs in marriage. The guy may have other great qualities, but if he doesn’t welcome conversation and really listen to his wife, she will never be happy with him. She’ll be lonely and feeling like something is missing. Why is it so easy for a woman to share marital unhappiness with a friend over coffee, but so difficult to share those feelings with her husband?

Those who long for change must be the ones to initiate it. My husband doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he needs from me. He may not ask directly, but he finds ways to make his needs known. So why shouldn’t I make my needs known?

My first marriage ended because neither one of us gave what the other person needed. I remember our counselor asking my ex-husband what he learned when our counseling sessions were coming to a close. He thought for a moment and then said, “I learned that I can’t be selfish. I have to think about what the other person needs.” And that is what it’s all about. 

I recall a book titled, “His Needs, Her Needs.” I don’t remember if I read it or I wanted to read it. People write books like that because unless a man understands his wife’s needs, he will continue down the same oblivious path to his wife’s unhappiness. He will think that she’s just someone who can’t be pleased no matter what he does. 

And that concept works both ways. A woman can be just as oblivious to her husband’s needs. The only way to fix the problem is to address it. If you want him to talk, you need to tell him how important conversation is to you. At least it’s a good place to start.

Pour a cup of coffee. Then pour your heart out.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING

                                                                    

By Danelle Carvell

All good things must come to an end, but I never experienced anything like the moment my daughter's wedding reception ended. All the chatter, laughing, dancing, music, energy and excitement came to an abrupt halt when the DJ announced that the last bus back to the motel was waiting in the parking lot.

We had guests from the other side of Pennsylvania, as well as guests from other states who flew in or drove a long way to get there...Texas, California, Hawaii. That's why we had a shuttle bus, to make things easier on them and to keep everyone safe.  

But I was not prepared for our guests sudden departure. I felt like a deflated balloon, a feeling that lingered for days. We had no gradual goodbyes as the evening progressed. Everyone just disappeared, leaving an empty silence behind and the realization that the only thing left of that beautiful day is the memory of it. 

I learned a lot from a year of planning my daughter Delaina's wedding, which was held at the most beautiful venue, The Stone Barn Farm and Vineyard in Selinsgrove, PA, on August 21, 2021.  I'm sharing what I learned so you can apply these lessons and feel good about the memories you make on that much-anticipated day. 

                                                                

EXPECT DRAMA WHILE PLANNING YOUR WEDDING

When Delaina started planning her wedding, I warned her that weddings tend to bring out the sensitivities in people. I knew that some people would feel left out and others would want too much control of the decisions. As the months progressed, she realized how right I was to warn her about that.

I won't go into the drama stories, I will just say that as the Mother-of-the-Bride, I told her that I would help with anything she needed and if she wanted my opinion on anything, I would gladly give it. "But this is your wedding," I said, "and every decision that is made belongs to you and your future husband."

My strategy worked very well because we didn't have one single disagreement during the entire year of planning her wedding. I stayed out of the way until she asked for my help, and I didn't push my opinions on her. It's a strategy that will undoubtedly work well for everyone involved in the bride and groom's special day.

                                                                   

FOCUS ON THE PEOPLE, NOT THE DETAILS

                                                                

More than anything, a wedding is about people, and if you get caught up in worrying about the flowers, decorations and ceremony being perfect, you will miss the greatest reason why you are there.  

That insightful advice was given to us at our Friday night rehearsal by our wonderful officiant, Chad. He said that something surely will go wrong tomorrow, so expect that and do not let it ruin the day. After hearing that, I turned to his wife and said, "I can see why you love that man." I was so impressed that he said that. 

And he was right. Something did go wrong. Shortly before the ceremony was to start, we discovered that the youngest member of the bridal party, three-year-old Natalie, was missing her dress. After searching, it was assumed that the dress was left at her home, which was a good 45-minute drive one way. The wedding would not start on time if we waited to retrieve the dress. 

Natalie's mom, my daughter-in-law, Rebekah, felt terrible about the situation, and she needed to know for sure that the dress was left behind, so she called her neighbor, Mariah, a mother of two boys, and asked her to look in her house for the dress. 

"Well, at least I know where it is," Rebekah said when Mariah confirmed it was there. 

"I can bring it to you," Mariah offered. "Send me the address." 

"I was so thankful for my neighbor that day, and I made sure that she knew it," Rebekah said. "It drew us closer as moms and gave us a mutual understanding as neighbors that we need each other."

Thanks to her helpful neighbor, Natalie had her dress in time for the photos, but we had to come up with another plan for the ceremony. Our photographer suggested that we make a dress out of her robe, which was chosen by the bride as a gift. All of Delaina's bridesmaids got a wedding-colors robe to wear while getting ready for the ceremony. 

Rebekah's mom, Cheryl, quickly went to work pinning the robe so it would stay closed in front and then added a pretty ribbon. I was amazed how quickly the problem was solved, but Rebekah was in tears, feeling like she let the bride down. I was happy to see her dancing and smiling later because Delaina was not upset about it. She wouldn't be my daughter if she had fussed over it. Some things just aren't worth getting shook about. 

                                                 

I have seen people get caught up in the material details of a wedding.  They allow anything that goes wrong to become the focal point of the entire day and that is so shallow. A wedding is a celebration of the love between the bride and the groom. And people are the most important part of that celebration, not the food, not the flowers, not the dresses, the weather or anything else.

                                                                                                                                                                   

SPEND TIME WITH GUESTS YOU DON'T KNOW AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF

I am not a social butterfly. I'm good around those I already know, but I'm not one to work the room and greet new people. That was my husband fluttering around meeting all of the groom's Navy buddies while I stayed mostly with family and friends from high school. 

Looking back, I regret not starting conversations with more of the guests I didn't know. Two particular guests impressed me when they walked up to me with compliments on my dress and introduced themselves. Their names are Carissa and Holly.  

How I felt when those women did that made me realize later that as the Mother-of-the-Bride and official hostess for the day, I had the power to make our guests feel special by taking an interest and wanting to know them... and for the most part, I blew it. 

If you are a future Mother-of-the Bride, maybe you're not thinking about your role as hostess. I didn't think about it until I googled "Mother-of-the-Bride duties" a week before the wedding. Even then, I couldn't see myself running around introducing people, and I later realized that really isn't necessary at a wedding. Our guests mingled well on their own.

But what I could have done was smile and make eye contact with all of the guests as I walked by.  I also could have asked more of them if they were having a good time just to start a conversation. That wouldn't have been so difficult.  

When people who know me read this, they will probably think that I'm too hard on myself. Maybe I am, but I hate missing opportunities to validate people's presence in a room. But a wedding can be overwhelming. There is so much going on, and I know I shouldn't beat myself up for not being the perfect hostess. That beautiful day held far too many fabulous moments for me to focus on my failures. 

 

THINK ABOUT THE PHOTOS YOU WANT BEFORE THE WEDDING AND REQUEST THEM

I sobbed the day after the wedding for many reasons. One was because I didn't get a mother/daughter photo with the bride. I looked at all those beautiful photos of her with each individual member of the wedding party and felt cheated and overlooked. 

I knew her first. I gave her life. I should have  gotten a photo of just the two of us on that special day. I will never get that opportunity back. 

I'm not blaming anyone. I didn't realize until later how much that photo would have meant. We worked so hard together for that day. Also contributing to my sobbing under the bed sheets for 20 minutes was the fact that she is the last to leave the nest, which is another reason for my "just the two of us" photo disappointment.  

When our photographer released a "sneak peek" of the wedding photos, the only photo of just the two of us was a side shot of me buttoning the back of her dress. Her face isn't in the shot and only half my face is showing. It's a beautiful photo of a special moment, but a facing-front shot is what I missed. 

                                                                

So think about the photos you want now, and remind family members to stick around at whatever point photos are to be taken. If not, someone will be running around the venue tracking people down, which wastes time and disrupts your caterer's timing for serving the meal.

                                                               

                                                                 

DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH BEFORE (OR AFTER) THE CEREMONY

I added this advice because our officiant told us a story of a bride who drank so much that she passed out in front of him right after she made it down the aisle. Imagine the memory of that? 

Guests who drink too much can also ruin the day. I've heard stories about fights breaking out at weddings that left people physically hurt and bleeding. That's not a good memory for the bride and groom as they start a life together, and you don't want to be the guest that people tell wacky wedding stories about for years to come. 

                  SAY "YES!" WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DANCE

                                                            

Play any song with a good dance beat and I can't sit still. I feel sorry for people who won't or can't dance because, to me, it is so incredibly freeing and fun. It's a good workout that clears my head and makes me happy. 

"Only when I'm dancing can I feel so free." are the words to a song by Madonna. Dance music from the 80's is my favorite. When Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody started to play at the reception, I ended a conversation mid-sentence and ran to the dance floor. 

A wedding without dancing is just plain boring to me. The Bible says that there's "a time to dance" and we didn't hold back at my daughter's wedding. Our talented photographer, Stevie, got the most fabulous shot of Matron-of-Honor, Rachel and Groomsman, Sean air guitaring to the song Don't Stop Believing. I just love that photo. It is a joyful representation of the love and fun that was in that room as we celebrated. 

                                                                                    

I spent most of the night dancing with my best friend from high school, but eventually a few men asked me to dance. I turned down the first request and immediately regretted it. In the back of my mind I had slight concerns that my husband wouldn't like it. But I did dance with one of the groomsmen. He tried to teach me to two-step, and I was terrible at it, but when I got the steps right it was incredibly fun. 

I later learned that he asked for permission to dance with me and my husband was okay with it. Well, never again will I turn down a dance request due to shyness or concern for my husband. I'm done with that. It's not like I was in a lip-lock with these men or bumping and grinding up against them. 

I wouldn't care if my husband danced with another woman. The only way it would bother me is if she was visibly flirting with him. Then I can see the problem someone might have with it. Otherwise, I see no reason to be bothered by it. 

You might disagree, but I think we limit our fun and miss out on getting to know people when we live by rigid rules such as married people can only dance with each other. The truth is that someday we will all be dancing together in Heaven and there will be no such thing as envy or jealousy. So we may as well get some practice in right here, right now. 

In closing, I will say that my daughter's wedding holds some of the most precious memories of my life. Going with her to find a dress, looking at wedding venues, being elated by how much I loved my dress when the package arrived, planning her bridal shower with her adorable bridesmaids, Sunday craft days at her Aunt Dee's when we created most of the decorations, and enjoying seeing her so happy as she perfected every detail of her wedding and reception...I so much enjoyed the past year. I want to relive every moment. And that's how we should feel when that beautiful day ends.