WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL

    By Danelle Carvell                                                              

A relationship that weathers every storm takes work. Some people just aren't willing to bend. 

Why are relationships so difficult? Maintaining a friendship with someone you don't live with should be easy, but it is not always simple. Maintaining a marriage is even harder because now you are living together while trying to get along. Two people with totally different world views and opinions come together under one roof. Every day brings new reasons to disagree. 

She's a bit sloppy and he's neat and organized, He's a driven overachiever and she's more laid back, She's carefree with money and he is strict with spending, She wants to attend church and he does not, She likes to quickly finish projects and he likes to take his time. And these are just problems that arise before the children come.

The differences between us make relationships challenging. Two people who were raised differently and had different life experiences are expected to merge peacefully? After being in failed relationships myself and after years of watching others fail in romantic attempts, I learned a few things on the subject. Our relationships fail for specific reasons, but we can work on improving ourselves, and hopefully that change will inspire improved behavior in return.

YOU PUSH OUR OWN IDEAS AND EXPECTATIONS ON OTHERS

I have a friend who left her husband because he was an overachiever who expected her to be like him. He pushed her to the point of exhaustion. I also know someone who moved out because he couldn't take the nagging about keeping their house in order. She nagged him about turning lights off, putting dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink, picking up his socks, and a list of other things.

It would bother me, too, to live with a lazy, messy person. I do need my home to be somewhat organized and clean. But some people are obsessive about the way they want to live and they push that obsession onto others. They expect more than the person is accustomed to or capable of. We simply can't expect people to be like us and have the same values, beliefs, opinions or habits. We have to find ways to meet in the middle if we want to maintain the relationship

YOUR HEART IS TOO GUARDED

Love has to flow in order to grow. People guard their hearts for many reasons, but the end goal is to avoid getting hurt or having to commit. I dated a man who was head over heels for me at the start of the relationship and then a few months later he started to pull away. Looking back, I realize he was avoiding commitment because of a broken past relationship.

He didn't talk about his past break-up, but I knew about it. He obviously had relationship scars and fortunately I figured it out before I fell hard for him. He also had some issues with selfishness. I recall my exact words when we broke up: "I think that you are an incredibly selfish man. Everything is about you....what YOU want and what is convenient for YOU. You don't stop and think about my schedule and what might be convenient for me. And I think that is selfish."

Bam! Game over. Surprisingly he agreed that he had been selfish, so I'll give him points for that. But his deeper problem was his guarded heart. People who guard their hearts deprive themselves of everything a relationship could be, and their non-commital choices guarantee a lonely life. 

YOU LACK EMPATHY

Empathy is identifying with the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another person. You are able to put yourself in people's shoes and understand what they are going through.  Empathetic people usually have a lot of friends. Everyone wants to be understood. But some people have little to no empathy, perhaps because they haven't experienced hard times so they can't relate or they just don't have the heart for it.  

From what I've seen, people who lack empathy often have a critical spirit and a tough attitude about life. They believe the answer to every problem is to pull yourself up and get on with it. And there are no excuses for staying down. If you don't get back up, then you are either weak or lazy. That is what an unempathetic person believes. It is a selfish way to look at life and people in my opinion. 

YOU OVER-ANALYZE AND ASSUME 

If you are a conscientious person like me, your mind is going all the time. This isn't a bad thing unless your thinking causes you to assume things that might not be true. Facebook might be the biggest place where we assume things about people. Because it is not a reliable form of communication, we can easily misunderstand a comment or assume that we've been snubbed because that person didn't respond. I have done this myself. But there is a cure for assuming, especially if it's something that is really bothering you. Go to the person and talk about it.  

YOU FAIL TO GO TO PEOPLE PRIVATELY WITH ISSUES

The Bible offers much wisdom, and one of the those bits of wisdom is instruction on how to handle personal conflict. We are supposed to meet the person privately and discuss any matter that is troubling us. But how often do we do that? It's just too hard. So instead of clearing up the matter, we ponder it day after day until it sucks the life out of us or causes built-up resentment. 

One thing we should never do is discuss personal conflicts publicly or in front of family or friends while the person is in attendance. This happened to me recently and I'm having a hard time forgetting it because it was so humiliating, and the thing I was accused of didn't actually happen. I could feel the anger rising up in me, but I had to keep my cool in front of my family. To put it bluntly, someone made an ass out of me in front of my family, and that is not a biblical way to resolve conflicts. 

Another thing we should avoid is sharing our conflicts on Facebook. I made this mistake myself and within a day I got a bad feeling about it so I took down the post. If we can't go to the person privately to discuss our gripes, then we should not air them publicly either.

Another mistake people make is getting too involved in conflicts that should be settled by the ones involved. Some people like to be the peacemakers, so they find their own ways to resolve it. They might force the couple to talk and then serve as a mediator. I learned that if you want people to resolve their conflicts, the best thing you can do is pray. Offer advice when asked, but don't become the ringmaster for people's personal problems. 

YOU HAVE A PRIDE PROBLEM

Pride might be the greatest destroyer of relationships because it makes so many other things impossible...we can't ask for help, we can't forgive, we can't apologize, and we can't see past our own needs and wants. Pride is like a destructive wall that comes between people. Someone who is a constant critic, giving lectures all the time, saying how things should be done, or expressing disapproval on a regular basis most likely has a pride problem. 

I know from experience that no relationship can survive the wall of pride. If you see yourself getting up on your high horse, ask for help from God to better communicate to the person you love. If you don't correct yourself, you will soon find that you are living with a distant stranger who does not want to be in your company. No one wants to be bulldozed by a bully every day. 

YOU HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM

I remember the last thing I said to a guy before I drove away: "You are an angry, hateful man, and I am tired of being your punching bag." I can't tolerate hateful looks on a person's face or harsh words delivered with a raised voice. I would rather live on the streets or in a tent than with an angry, cruel person.

Both men and women can have anger problems. I saw a bit of the Johnny Depp trial and it was clear to me that his wife Amber is capable of angry outbursts. She basically admitted saying hateful things to her husband. And now they are sitting in a courtroom. 

You simply can't expect love to flourish in an angry environment. It's not possible. And if you don't fix it, you will live with a resentful spouse and children who repeat your same angry mistakes. 

YOU CAN'T ADMIT WHEN YOU MESS UP OR YOU CAN'T FORGIVE

And here is a good place to end. An apology is like a healing balm that can restore a relationship. If we can't admit the times when we disappoint, hurt, or otherwise offend someone, then we have a pride problem or some other problem that prevents us from admitting our mistakes. 

No one gets through life without a list of screw-ups. If you think that you have, you are delusional. If you want quality relationships, you absolutely must learn to apologize. It is an essential skill. If you think that you do no wrong, perhaps you would be better off living alone, without a spouse or any friends...just you and your perfect self and maybe a dog. 

And if you can't forgive, you also have a pride problem. How many times has God forgiven you? I know from experience how unforgiveness destroys a relationship. Whenever someone hurts me now, I pray about it immediately because I know I need help in that area. I tend to rehash hurtful words and actions. I can't easily forget an offense. But I know that if I stay angry, I am only hurting myself. I remind myself of all the times I messed up and I say out loud that I forgive that person until I can get past the hurt. 

We may sometimes need to distance ourselves from abusive people, but forgiveness can always be in our hearts for them. We forgive to set ourselves free from resentment. We forgive because we mess up too. 

Yes, relationships take work and those not willing to put in the work do not ever experience the joy of a good and lasting relationship.