CALLING OUT BAD BEHAVIOR IS AN ACT OF LOVE

By Danelle Carvell

                                                    

My dad was very good at setting me on the right path when I messed up. It was an act of love that I am grateful for.

Maintaining relationships is hard work. One of the hardest things to do is confront someone who says or does something hurtful.  Confronting people who display bad behavior is extremely difficult. Many of us take the easier path and try to maintain unity without addressing conflicts. 

But denying a problem only causes anxiety and the situation will continue to fester by ignoring it. I think it's best to share the pain we feel about people's behavior and it's actually a biblical approach. Healing cannot begin unless the issue is brought up and discussed. 

Matthew 18: 15-20 tell us how to deal with bad behavior that ends up hurting others: "If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private..." The Bible doesn't tell us to ignore an offense. We are told to hold people accountable for their actions. And sometimes the process of holding them accountable is what brings a positive change in their behavior. 

One of the most difficult things about holding people accountable is the flogging you might get along the way from people close to the situation. In order to maintain unity, people will make excuses for the bad behavior or downplay what took place. They might even suggest that you overreacted to the whole thing and shift the blame on you. 

So by listening to all that, you end up taking a second beating. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to stand your ground in such a situation because it's a very uncomfortable place to be. But people don't learn and grow in the comfort zone. 

"Unity is an important goal, but we shouldn't pursue it at all cost. As image-bearers of God, we do a disservice by allowing abusive behavior to go unchecked. If we don't set limits, we are in effect saying that bad behavior is acceptable. We grow and change when people care enough to challenge our selfishness and call us to something better. The most loving action we can do is not ignoring bad behavior but calling it out and holding people accountable."

The above paragraph is from the article titled, "A Christian Response to Bad Behavior," by Rev. Deb Koster. 

I have been held accountable for my actions many times, and each time it happened I became a better person for it. I was actually grateful for the person who had the courage to call me out. And because I was open to humbling myself, admitting my wrongs and apologizing, the relationship was restored and I learned a valuable life lesson. 

It is possible to forgive people and give up your right to be vindicated while still holding them accountable. Forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to be abused and granting people a free pass. We forgive because it's the right thing to do and God commands us to forgive. But forgiveness won't guarantee that the relationship will be restored, so we should always prepare for that possibility. 

Sometimes confronting the right people in a situation is difficult because they seem very distant and hostile. People who project an unwelcoming attitude or a sense of hostility are nearly impossible to have a conversation with. If the person is in a bad state of mind, you will most likely get nowhere with a confrontation. 

And that is where prayer becomes a powerful tool in dealing with the situation. If you can't talk to someone about an offense, you can go to God with your hurts. Sometimes it's best to let Him work on that person's heart and then trust and wait patiently for Him to do what seems impossible. 

Relationships are difficult to maintain. But God doesn't call us to an easy life. Sometimes we have to do the hard work that's required to promote improvement and growth in ourselves and others. 

BREAKING FREE FROM STRONGHOLDS (part 3)

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                    

We were not meant to live in bondage to the bad things in life. We can be set free when we take authority over what's causing it.  

Welcome to part 3 of a deep topic. 

Today I am covering how to be delivered from a demonic stronghold. According to Derek Prince, the first step toward breaking free of a demonic stronghold is realizing that you are dealing with a person who is not yourself. When that truth sets into your mind, you are 90% set free. 

We must understand who the real enemy is. Our enemies are not people. Our enemies are the evil spirits who drive people to do bad things. A demonic stronghold occurs when a demonic power tries to operate through a person, which means that the person is not thinking or acting on their own behalf. 

Simply put, you are not yourself when you are under a demonic stronghold. 

In Ephesians 6:12, we are told that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities and powers of darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil." 

We must identify the right adversary. And when we think that people are the enemy, then Satan is off the hook and he gets a free pass as he laughs and watches us attack each other. What we should be doing is addressing the demonic spirits that are driving their behavior and leading them to behave badly. 

So the first step toward being delivered from a demonic stronghold is realizing that you are dealing with something that is not you. The second step is being humble. Pride is a barrier to deliverance. 

Another barrier is resentment. No deliverance can occur when you are holding onto anger, unforgiveness or any kind of resentment. You must forgive everyone and say their names out loud, then say that you forgive them. 

Then you must be honest about any sin in your life and call your sin what it is. God will reveal to you any sin that needs your confession if you ask Him. But most likely you already know what your sins are. So confess any known sin committed by you or by your ancestors. Demons travel through bloodlines and they can affect the next generation. 

The next step is repentance and accepting personal responsibility for the decision you made to commit that sin. Repent means to turn away from something. This might involve breaking contact with people or getting rid of any objects in your home that represent your bad choices; for example, you should burn any occult objects.

After doing all that, you are ready to expel or cast out the demonic stronghold against you. 

Say this and mean it:

"Jesus Christ, I believe that you are the son of God who died on the cross for my sins. I renounce my sins (say them by name). Then name the people you need to forgive. And finally, you say this: Deliver me from all evil spirits. I command them to go in the name of Jesus." 

Then you stop. Do not feel like you must repeat this or go on praying about it. Believe that you have been delivered. And thank God for setting you free. 

The last thing I want to share on this subject is a personal story about my experience with demonic strongholds. I won't go into detail because it simply isn't necessary. The first stronghold came over me because I couldn't forgive someone for a very deep hurt. 

After a while I began to feel like my mind and actions were totally being controlled and not in a good way. Remember, when under a demonic stronghold, you are dealing with a person who is not yourself. That person is a demon. 

I soon felt that the only way to break free of my bondage was to break free of the person that I couldn't forgive. I was told that I wasn't the same person anymore, and I didn't know how to fix it. So I ended my first marriage, thinking that it was the only answer to being set free from my torment. 

The Bible clearly tells us the dangers of unforgiveness. We will be released to the tormentors when we don't forgive. The tormentors are demons. 

My second experience with a demonic stronghold also involved the sin of unforgiveness. Once again, I could not let go of a deep wound and I brought up that old hurt in a very inappropriate way. That stronghold was far worse because it culminated with a three-day attack of insomnia that resulted in me dropping to the floor and being unable to move or speak. 

A demonic attack can go on for days or weeks. Just read the book of Job if you want to know how that works. 

I was finally able to set myself free of the stronghold through a powerful prayer and by continuing to pray for several weeks. That experience has given me the ability to recognize demonic attacks and I now have complete confidence in my ability to fight back. 

One thing I have learned is the value of forgiveness. I will never again hold any kind of anger or resentment toward anyone. I learned twice that the biggest loser when holding a grudge is me. 

That doesn't mean I won't feel frustration or disappointment with people. And it doesn't mean that I won't call out bad behavior. I  always have the right to hold people accountable and stay away from those who abuse me. But I do not have the right to stay angry with anyone and harbor resentment toward them. That just gives the devil an open door.

We must remember that Satan is the demonic driving force behind people when they begin to act evil. 

The Bible tells us, "resist the devil and he will flee from you." We must resit the temptation to do and say things that go against God's word. But we must also take authority over the demonic spirits that lead people to behave badly. 

Luke 10:19 tells us, "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy." Jesus is telling us in that scripture that we have authority to fight back. Snakes and scorpions represent demons. 

So if you are dealing with anyone who is abusing you at work or anyone who is causing you harm in any way, this is what you say:

"I exercise authority over this situation in the name of Jesus. I plead the blood of Jesus over everyone involved. I exercise my authority against you, Satan, and against every tactic and strategy you are bringing against me through these people. I command you to cease and desist in your tactics. You will not come against me today. In the name of Jesus, I shut down the demonic powers coming against me through these people."

Remember that people are not the enemy. People act evil because they are deceived. We haven't been given authority over people. We've been given authority over the devil. Our job is not to change people. But we can bind and take authority over all the darkness and deception that is operating in their lives. 

So let your opposition be against the enemy and not against people. Joining hearts in our love for God and each other is the unity we need right now. 

DOES SOMETHING HAVE A HOLD ON YOU? Part 2

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                

Our paths in life can be disturbing or pleasant. We have the power to choose what we fill our minds with, and that is what determines the scenery along the way. 

If you haven't read part one of this post, please go to the web version of my blog and scroll up until you find it. If you are seeing this on Facebook, you can find my blog at www.upliftyourspirit.blogspot.com

This is definitely the most difficult topic I have tackled so far. It has been on the back burner for months, because I knew it would not be easy to write and I knew that many people would reject the subject completely. I am beyond worrying about what people think of me, but I know that reading something like this will cause some to question my beliefs. People always question what they don't believe in or understand. 

One thing we can never question is the personal testimony of what someone has experienced. I have learned to never reject or downplay things that people say they have experienced. I simply don't have that right. As I said in part one, I will share my experience with demonic strongholds at the end of this series. This isn't something I would have ever written about if I had not gone through exactly what Derek Prince warned of in his teaching on evil spirits. 

According to Prince, much infirmity and pain is demonic. Not every sickness and disease, and not all pain is demonic, but much of it is. Some examples include epilepsy, migraines, head pain, nerve pain, allergies, crippling or a twisted body, and insomnia. My insomnia was caused by a severe adverse reaction to the prescription drug, Lupron, which is believed by Dr. Mercola to cause permanent neurological damage. But there is also a spirit of insomnia that can keep you awake and tired so you are not productive for the kingdom of God. 

Deliverance from demonic infirmities and pain requires that you set your will against it, renounce the spirit by name and command it to go in the name of Jesus. For example, I would say, "Spirit of arthritis, I command you to leave my body in the name of Jesus." Deliverance may come all at once or it may come gradually over time. But any act of your will that brings change requires a strong determination and total faith that you will be healed.  

According to Prince, demons can enter our lives in many ways. If your family has an occult background or you had a personal involvement in the occult, demons were given an open door. God hates fortunetelling, mediums, casting spells and talking to the dead. These are all invitations for demonic entrance. That's why it's not a good idea to let your children watch TV shows or cartoons where such activity is displayed. 

Some other ways that demons can come into our lives include:

Prenatal influences or pressures in early childhood (Most demonic depression happens by the age of 8)

Manipulation of a controlling person (Being tied to another person is often demonic)

Sudden terror or a moment of weakness (The devil often chooses the weakest moment, the weakest place or a weak person)

Sinful acts such as adultery, abusing others, or telling tales and lying. 

According to David Diga Hernandez, demons attack believers by deception and then that deception becomes everyday feelings. They can attack through sickness or through someone violent or demon-possessed. As I said in part one, Christians who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior can never be demon possessed, but they can develop demonic strongholds as a result of their own sins. 

So we might need deliverance from both deception and strongholds. Indoctrination is a stronghold. Anything people believe that contradicts scripture can become a stronghold. For example, believing that you must earn your salvation can take a strong hold on your mind. Or a thought might come out of nowhere and you can get caught up in a cycle of negative thinking. Guilt, shame and paranoia are examples of demonic strongholds. 

Intimidation is a stronghold;  for example, feeling like you're not safe or you're going to fail. You must address and get control of negative thought patterns to overcome such a stronghold. This takes a deliberate act of your will to counteract every negative thought with the truth of God's word. If you don't know God's word, then you don't have the weapons to fight negative thoughts. 

When bad things happen to you that are a part of life, the enemy has opportunity to affect your mind. Depression or heaviness is often the result of a tragedy.  Feeling unloved, disconnected, discouraged or having low energy and no motivation are strongholds. A demon only needs to get you to believe a lie. It doesn't necessarily have to attach to you or possess you in order to accomplish that. 

Distraction is a stronghold. When something is distracting us from spending time with God in prayer, praise and worship, the devil wins. Family divisions, disturbing problems and debates keep us from reading the Bible and having our minds on God. 

For example, debating on Facebook is a distraction. I got caught up in that insanity when all the mask nonsense was going on. But distractions come in many areas of our lives--our jobs, our relationships, our disappointments and all the problems that go along with those things can consume our thinking to the point of not being able to concentrate on what God wants us to focus on. 

Confusion is another stronghold. Conflicting information or clinging to a lie causes confusion, We should always look for information that is backed by the word of God. Instead of saying that what you believe couldn't possibly be wrong, you should humble yourself and find the answers in the Bible or do your own research because there is a chance that your source of information is wrong. 

The final stronghold I will discuss is mental anguish or mental torment. Any troubling thought will cause you to lack peace. We should never criticize people who are struggling with mental issues including mental illness. But there is a way out of this stronghold that occurs when Satan repeatedly speaks deceptive things into our minds. 

Isaiah 26:3 tells us that you will have perfect peace when your mind is stayed on the Lord. If that sounds too simple of an answer, you most likely have never put your mind to trying it. In the past few months, I have grown closer to God than ever before. And the result of this is an incredible peace that I have never known before.  Not just peace, but also a confidence, a boldness, and a deeper sense of joy and hope. 

Yes, I still have problems that pop up every day, but I instantly know how to handle each problem because the closeness I developed with God allows Him to speak to me. He doesn't speak audibly, but he gives me answers through wise advice from people I trust or through something I read. 

Sometimes I read the answer in the Bible. Sometimes I read it in a Christian book from an author I trust. Sometimes the answer comes through an open door of opportunity or a gut feeling that comes over me. God speaks in many ways. In fact, the ways that God speaks to us is my next blog topic. But before I get to that, I will wrap up my present topic with part three of demonic strongholds in my next post. 

Until then, keep your mind on seeking truth and the important things in life. A life without God is not even close to the incredible life he meant for you to have. 

DOES SOMETHING HAVE A HOLD ON YOU?

                                                     

Like a locust clings to a tree, creepy things can cling to us.

                                               

The next topic that God put on my heart is a tough one. And it will probably take several posts to complete because there is so much to say. It's a topic that makes many people uncomfortable, and you might be one of those people. 

You might not even read this post in its entirety because you don't believe in the subject matter, or if you do believe, you would rather not think about it because it's just too disturbing. The subject is evil spirits a.k.a. demons...how they affect us, how they get control of us, and how we can be delivered from them. 

I watched a video by Derek Prince and took notes on it. That is where I got the information I'm going to share. But I have an even deeper source of information, which is my own personal experience. I know that the demonic world is real because I experienced it myself. 

I believe that God allowed me to experience a demonic stronghold because he wants me to educate people about the devil's tactics.  Pastors have not done a good job of teaching on this subject. They have failed to warn their flock about this very important danger that affects our lives in so many ways. 

The Bible says, "The devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 

If you believe that the Bible is the word of God, then you have no excuse for ignoring that scripture. It's right there. Look it up yourself. That sentence is clearly written in the present tense, so telling me that demons don't affect us today is an empty-headed belief with nothing to back it up. 

At the end of this three-part series, I will share my personal story about the demonic world and how I was affected by it. There have actually been two specific times in my life when I was affected by a demonic stronghold. The first time was back in the early 90's and I didn't really know what was happening to me. It wasn't until I looked back years later that I realized what it was. That demonic stronghold contributed to the break-up of my first marriage as I allowed a spirit of unforgiveness to fester within me. 

Now some of you are probably wondering, how does a confessing Christian become affected by the demonic world? If you are a born-again believer who has accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and savior, you cannot be demonically possessed. But you can develop a demonic stronghold as a result of sin in your life. Being a Christian does not shield you from your own sins, so you will always reap the consequences of sin, no matter where your heart is with God. 

There are three things that demons can do:

They can torment and torture you. 

They can keep you from knowing Christ. 

And they can keep you from serving Him. 

Those are the goals of demons, and they are relentless in accomplishing their goals. Behind every negative emotion or attitude, there is a demon. 

What are the characteristics of demons? 

They will entice, harass and torment you emotionally and physically. Refusing to forgive someone is an example of sin that will cause emotional torment. The Bible warns that those who refuse to forgive will be released to the tormentors. The tormentors are demons. 

Demons will compel you to do bad things or enslave you with a variety of addictions. They can project evil thoughts and images into your mind. They can deceive people or make them weak, sick or tired. 

Demons often operate in gangs. False religions are demonic, and getting involved in a false religion can invite demonic activity. When I was a kid, we played with a Ouija board, not knowing how dangerous it was. I shudder to think what we invited into our lives through that very naive decision. 

Witchcraft, dabbling in the occult and fortune-telling are dangerous ways to invite the works of demons into your life. Pride and rebellion can also invite a demonic stronghold. 

Some other things that invite demons are fear, rejection, resentment, disappointment, loneliness, misery, depression, self-destruction, unbelief, doubt, lying gossip, criticism, fornication, adultery, masturbation, homosexual encounters, pornography, prostitution, sexual fantasy and lusts.

Frustration in our lives can cause other problems such as overeating, cigarette smoking, alcohol addiction, or an addiction to soft drinks. Coke actually contains a small amount of cocaine. That's how the beverage got its name. All these addictions create an inviting atmosphere for demonic strongholds. I'm not saying a glass of Coke is going to hurt you. I'm saying that becoming addicted to anything is contrary to the freedom God wants us to have in Him. 

If you're still with me and didn't click off of this topic, I invite you to come back for part two, which I will be working on tomorrow and posting within the next few days. This is a heavy subject and it's a lot to take in. So I felt it wise to break it down into several parts. Until then, you can research Derek Prince and his teachings at Derek Prince Ministries USA. He also has a You Tube channel.

WATCH ME WALK AWAY

                                                                            

                                                                                

Walking away is sometimes the best thing you can do.

A very important part of respecting and caring for each other is validating one another's feelings. I have a hard time getting close to people who downplay or make light of my hurts, or people who make excuses for those who behave badly.  

One of the best responses I ever got from someone after I reached a breaking point with people behaving badly was this:

"Danelle, your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to feel them."

That's exactly the point I'm trying to make. When someone gets hurt, the last thing that person needs is someone to come along and downplay what happened or make excuses for what took place. That's like punching the hurting person even more by telling them that they shouldn't feel what they are feeling. It's an uncaring slap in the face. 

The word I'm talking about here is empathy, which is the ability to identify with the thoughts, feelings and attitudes of another. People who lack empathy are often self-absorbed. If the situation didn't affect them, then they can't see what the big deal is. They don't have the ability to put themselves in the hurting person's shoes and understand why that person feels as they do.

When I sense that someone lacks empathy, I am very careful what I share with that person. I become quiet and reserved around an unempathetic person. Why would I risk having that person make me feel foolish for the way I feel? Why would I want to listen to them rubbing salt into the wound? 

The older I get, the more I want to stay away from people who aren't good for my emotional health. And there's nothing wrong with that. By staying away, people might see it as me being unforgiving or resentful, but that's not why I stay away. 

Jesus walked away from people all the time when he felt mistreated. Jesus was willing to walk away and he let other people walk away at least 41 times in the Bible. I want to invest my time in reliable people who handle my concerns with care, just as Jesus did. 

Learn to find the reliable people in your life, the ones who are fruitful, ready and eager to step into every situation with understanding, empathy and kindness. Those are the people you should be spending time with.

GOD SENT ME CHEER FROM A BOX IN THE BASEMENT

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                

                                                                

A column I wrote in 1996 came back to me as a message from God at a time when I needed some cheer.

I often ask God for messages and signs to let me know He's there and He cares. Some people would call them Godwinks. A Godwink is an event or personal experience so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as a prayer. Nonbelievers would say the astonishing experience is a coincidence, but believers have faith that such events are an act of God. 

I keep a journal that's meant for writing down all the ways I hear from God. "Let me see you in this day," is a daily prayer for me. Over the years, I noticed that God uses certain things to encourage me. One of those things is birds. That may sound a little crazy, but God loves to encourage His children, and he finds any way He can to do so.

A few days ago, I was deeply troubled. I went into my bedroom and sat at the window. I needed to clear my head. So I just sat there, looking out across the front yard. Other than the wind pushing dead leaves and swaying trees, no sign of movement caught my eye. Just another dead cold winter day. 

Then after about ten minutes, my front yard suddenly came alive with bird activity. Birds were flying in and out of trees; two cardinals fluttered a streak of red very close to the window; a bird landed on the grass in front of me and stayed there for a while. Those birds were such a joyful sight because I knew who sent them. 

I was visited by a dove this summer on a night when I needed some encouragement. It landed two feet away from my feet and looked directly at me. A dove is a symbol of the Holy Spirit. God winked at me through a bird that symbolizes part of the holy trinity. No part of that is a coincidence

 Broad-winged birds often soar directly above me while I'm driving. By faith, I take all these bird encounters as uplifting reminders that God sees me. I'm not just another person in a world of seven billion. He cares about the things that trouble me and he wants to bring me joy. 

I recently came across a Godwink when I was helping my mom clean her basement. While going through a box of papers, my mother pulled out a copy of a column I wrote while working as a staff writer for the Citizen Standard newspaper. I had a column called, Life Lightly Salted. I was a single mother at the time, so I often wrote about Motherhood and its many challenges. 

The day I came across that column in my mom's basement titled, Many Mothers Missing Life, I was feeling pretty beat up. Beat up by people I had helped that didn't appreciate my help. Beat up by people changing plans and putting me in the back seat. And beat up by people who are just plain rude. I was feeling like a punching bag. And I knew that the best way out of my stupor was to help someone, so I offered to help my mom. 

I'm sharing the column in its entirety at the bottom of this post. But first I want to share why I found it so uplifting to come across that particular piece of writing. The two years I spent as a single mother were the hardest two years of my life. But God was watching over me the entire time. I was offered a job at the newspaper without even applying for it. How does that happen, if not by divine intervention?

As you read the column below, you'll understand why I believe that my finding it was God's way of reminding me that He's right here with me, especially when life gets hard. Coming across that particular column from April of 1996, was a message from Him. And I believe the message is this: 

Danelle, you take a back seat to no one because you're the daughter of a King. Yes, people will abuse you, but they also abused Jesus, so you're walking in blessed footsteps. And when you make sacrifices for others who don't appreciate it, I see those sacrifices, and I will pour out my blessings at just the right moment. 

If you're a busy mother, you might relate to these words I wrote 16 years ago:

                                       MANY MOTHERS MISSING LIFE

As mothers and breadwinners, we overburden ourselves. We sacrifice leisure time to accomplish everything. And in the rush to get it all done, we miss life. 

A mother lives in a state of stress when she goes straight from work to the grocery store, then the laundromat. She has so much on her mind, she doesn't hear the chattering boy behind her. 

He's only talking to himself as he explains the project he made in school. While Mom's busy comparing peanut butter prices, she misses the enthusiasm on her son's face as he talks about the "Super Satellite Dish" he created for invention day. She pretends to hear him. She nods her head and says, "That's great Sweetie." But he knows she's not really listening. 

Mom's in another world again. The world of survival, where everything revolves around time and there's never enough of it.

She finally gets a chance to sit down once the laundry is loaded. Twenty minutes to think about nothing. She stretches across the uncomfortable laundromat chairs and rests her mind and body. 

But her son is full of energy. He wants to go next door for pizza and pinball. "Maybe next week, Sweetie," she whispers. He walks away with his head down and checks the coin machine for unclaimed quarters.

As hard as we try to do it all and do it well, mothers usually have to make sacrifices if they want to accomplish everything in a week. Time for her children is a great sacrifice. 

When a mother rushes through her day, she overlooks all the things that make life special. A calm night rain goes unheard. The evening sky soothes no nerves. And the thoughts of a child are tuned out for more "important" thoughts. 

The sink is stacked. The floor's a mess. It's late. She has no time to sit behind a book with him tonight. Perhaps tomorrow, when there's not so much to do. 

She whispers a promise, steals a kiss, then rushes away. 

WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                            

My friend, Debbie is in the middle. We've been friends since high school

Vulnerability is defined as emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty toward being honest and seen. Many people are hesitant to share their struggles, their failures, their fears, shame and shortcomings. But the hard decision to open ourselves up to others actually has a healing element to it. 

As a writer, I find this to be very true. If you read all my posts labeled "A Look At Life," you will find many times when I admit my failures, disappointments, struggles, fears and areas where I feel inadequate. Some people might think I'm too honest, but I believe that I'm nudged to write about these things by the God who understands these things. 

G.K. Chesterson said, "We men and women are all in the same boat upon a stormy sea. We owe each other a terrible and tragic loyalty." 

In the book, Stronger: How Hard Times Reveal God's Greatest Power, Clayton King says,

 "We all go through the same storms and we all need each other to survive. The human condition is weakness. It is difficulty and struggle and failure. None of us is immune, and we're all in the same boat. If we can remember this simple fact, that the people we need to be vulnerable with are just as vulnerable as we are, then it's a little easier to open up with them without fear or pretense." 

He goes on to explain that fear is always what prevents people from being vulnerable. "That's why what people often project as strength-- seeming to have it all together, to be unshakable and detached--is often not strength at all. When we act as if we are unable to be hurt, unaffected by the things that bring others pain, we are acting out of fear. We fear being exposed in any way that might subject us to more pain, humiliation or rejection. Deep down we suspect that if God or the people around us saw us for who we really are, they would walk away." 

I think many relationships would improve if people were more willing to be vulnerable and admit to each other the things they fear or struggle with. If we could more openly share our disappointments, oh the many things we could learn from each other. Failures, shame and shortcomings are something we all have in common. But sharing these things with others brings along the fear of being rejected and unloved. So we keep things to ourselves.

It's a self-defeating thing because human connection gives a sense of meaning and purpose to life. And the best way to connect with someone is to be vulnerable and pour out your heart along with all its scars and past hurts. We need other people, and in order to connect with them, we must be vulnerable enough to share the reality of our lives, and that reality always includes pain. 

The people I'm closest with in my life are people I trust with my vulnerabilities. Those people are my friend Debbie, my friend Tam and my daughter, Delaina. I'm blessed to have three people I can trust who will not betray me or lack empathy when I share something I'm struggling with. 

I have also learned who I should not share things with. When someone is not open to hearing my hurts, I take that person off my list. When someone downplays my hurts, I say I will never again share my pain with that person. When someone makes excuses for people who hurt me, I never again give that person an opportunity to do so. I have become very good at distancing myself from toxic people. 

But for the people I can be vulnerable with, I am very grateful. We all need someone like that in our lives. I hope that you have at least one person in your life that you can be vulnerable with. If not, you are missing a human connection that is very fulfilling and healing. If you feel that something is missing in your life, it could very well be someone you can trust with your vulnerabilities.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective"   James 5:16

I think our greatest sense of meaning and purpose is found in the human connections we have with others. But those connections can never be strong if we don't get real and confess the messy things we are going through. Yes, there is a fear we will be rejected. But you can't learn who you can trust if you don't take that chance. 

The power of vulnerability is learning who is in your corner, who has your back and who will stand up for you. And that is priceless information. So be vulnerable today and see what you learn about people, what you learn about yourself, and how your life can have more meaning and purpose through your relationships. 

We're all in the same boat, and we should know where our lifesavers are.

TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS...

By Danelle Carvell                                                             

My youngest granddaughter and my daughter 

I've been pondering a Christmas blog post. What to write about? So as I'm waiting for my cookie dough to thaw, I'm here at my keyboard with no idea what's going to come out of me. What would God want me to write about is the question I ask when I don't know what to say. 

I'm sitting at my bedroom window with my laptop, watching the snow fall. Snow is so peaceful. It covers everything with a pure, white blanket, and watching it slowly fall has a tranquilizing effect. 

What else brings peace to our lives? 

Of all times in the year, Christmas should be the most peaceful because of what it represents. Yet, the week leading up to Christmas is often the most hectic week of the year. I have noticed over the years that gift-giving can cause a lot of stress in families. Perhaps that is why some people decide to give it up altogether. 

We can get into arguments about the who, what, when, where and why of giving gifts. The problem arises when not everyone agrees. Some might want to skip the gift exchange completely; others might want to buy for everyone. We all have different ideas about giving gifts and the reason for that is because a gift comes from the heart of the individual. And no one should dictate to others what gift-giving should be. 

I have done this myself, so I'm not pointing fingers. It's very easy to become so stressed by the thought of buying gifts for everyone that you just want to skip it for a year. That has been suggested in my family more than once, and it was fine for those who agreed. But both times it was suggested, not everyone was happy about it. 

Remember, a gift comes from the heart of the individual, so when one person makes a group decision about gifts, that person takes away what was brewing in everyone else's heart about gifts that year. Traditions are important to some people. They don't want Christmas to change. Or maybe they just really enjoy giving gifts. 

To some people, gift-giving is a love language. It's their way of expressing love. Why would anyone want to take away a person's chosen way to express love? The world certainly needs more love. 

Another thing that causes stress is assigned gifts. I was once assigned a gift I couldn't afford and it turned out to be a disaster. I should have said, No. But I fulfilled my duty because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Ironically, it turned out to be an even greater disappointment than it would have been if I had declined the assignment. 

When something doesn't feel right, that's a good indication that you should question it. The old saying, "When in doubt, don't do it" is a good rule to follow. Always trust your instincts when it comes to gift-giving because your heart knows. No one should ever assign someone a gift. We can make suggestions, but we should never expect someone to complete a gift assignment that was not their own idea. That's just wrong. 

Another major source of stress in families is the where and when of gift giving. This is especially challenging in large families where everyone wants to see their children and grandchildren and everyone wants their share of time. Decisions are often made to make things more convenient for families or to cut down on the amount of traveling. Fitting all the Christmas visits into one day can mean making changes that not everyone likes. 

I have experienced this in my family and I know other families have conflicts over the time and place of family visits at Christmas. Some people don't adapt well to change because they want Christmas to be where and when it always was. When something becomes a Christmas tradition, any kind of change can be a big disappointment. And when a change is made for the sake of having more time somewhere else, it can feel like a rejection. 

Sometimes people just don't show up because of personal conflicts with other family members. Then there are hard feelings when someone who should be there decides not to come because they don't want to deal with the family friction. Having the entire family in one place for hours can lead to something being done or said that causes discord. After a while, it's just easier to stay away.

The list of reasons why this time of year can be stressful is a long one. I didn't really give any answers to the Christmas chaos. I only pointed out the stressors that we deal with. I can say that perhaps we need to focus more on the reason for the season and less on the other stuff. Who we are celebrating deserves more of our time and attention. And maybe when we do that, we can more easily work out the other stuff. 

What brings peace to our lives? One Bible verse comes to mind. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee." Isaiah 26:3

Wishing you a Joyful, Peaceful Christmas. 

THE POWER OF SELF-FORGIVENESS

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

One thing we all have in common is that we mess up. You heard the phrase, "We all have skeletons in our closets." People say that because there's much truth to it. I don't know anyone who doesn't have regrets, embarrassing moments, or mistakes in their past that they wish they could do over. 

I'm writing this to encourage you if you are deeply troubled by a past mistake. I have made more than my share of mistakes and I'm not going to go into that because that would be counter-productive to this message. It's a message about the power of forgiving yourself, and when you forgive, that means that you think about it no more. You don't bring it up ever again and you don't think about it. 

If you're not a Christian who has accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you might not understand the grace that we can live under. You might be beating yourself up for a past mistake and feeling a kind of self-hatred for some things you did. But you don't have to live that way. You can be set free.

This is how it works. When I accepted Christ, I became a new person. I was given a new identity. A Christian is never condemned under the judgement of God because she has been washed clean by the atoning death of Jesus at the cross. 

Jesus took all our sins on himself. He put himself in the place of condemnation that we deserved. And God accepts that as payment for our sins. The only thing we have to do is accept what Christ did for us. When we accept Christ, we are declared righteous in God's eyes. And we can have peace in knowing that we will forever live in God's favor. 

If you're a Christian and you continue to beat yourself up for past mistakes, then you are disrespecting what Jesus did for you. We don't need to be oppressed by our own personal failures. We can have rest because the guilt of all our mistakes...past, present and future are repeatedly washed away by that sacrifice that Jesus made for us at the cross. 

Now that doesn't mean that we will not need to apologize or make corrections when we mess up. What it means is that God is not keeping score. When he forgives you, he completely forgets the mistake and he doesn't think about it ever again. That's what true forgiveness is. So you don't need to go around confessing your mistake and feeling bad about it. You can completely forget about it too.

Jesus Christ died so you could be set free from all condemnation.  Romans 8:1 says, "Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." There's nothing sadder than a Christian who feels depressed about her past mistakes. It is such an unnecessary suffering. It's like saying to Jesus, "You died for nothing. I don't accept what you did. I'm going to just live in turmoil and reject what you did for me at the cross."

If this blog entry has struck a nerve in you, then let today be the day that you let go of all your bad feelings and regrets of your past mistakes. If you confessed it to God and accepted Jesus' sacrifice on your behalf, then you need to let it go. Your mistakes are not a part of you and they don't define you as a person. Think about it no more. Jesus set you free. 

WE GET WHAT WE SAY

By Danelle Carvell

                                                                                    

                                                                                    

                                                                                    

Whether talking to yourself or others, what comes out of your mouth is what creates your life.

I don't always take my own advice. I know the consequences of talking negatively. The Bible is filled with warnings about being careful with our words.  But this is a hard lesson to learn for most people because we live in a negative world, and we are all prone to focus on the negative side of life. It's part of our fallen nature.

I told my sister today that I've been feeling like Squidward. If you're not a fan of the Sponge Bob cartoon, I should explain that Squidward is a grouchy Squid who lives under the sea with other entertaining characters. I laugh at his grouchiness, but sometimes I see myself in him and that's not funny. 

Saturday I had a mouse in my bedroom for the second night in a row. As someone who gets very little sleep on a regular basis, this was not a pleasant thing. I've watched how mice can crawl up fabric and up walls and I imagined this mouse crawling up my bed skirts and bunking with me for the night. The next morning I dumped a carton of eggs on the floor as I was preparing to go to my sister's house for a cookie and craft day. 

When I got the egg mess cleaned up, I snapped and decided to just go back to bed. Lately I feel like every time I want to do something fun, something happens to discourage me or exhaust me. There's a heaviness on everyone right now it seems. I hear people talking about problems at work, among families, and personal struggles that are wearing people down to the point of despair and depression. When this happens, it is so easy to become a negative talker and I often fall right into the trap. Before I know it, I'm complaining about everything and everyone.

I know that God hates grumbling and complaining. And I feel guilty every time I do it. As a Christian, I'm not supposed to blend in with this negative world, and I shouldn't be controlled by negative emotions. The first step toward changing this bad habit is admitting that I do it. With step one behind me, I must try harder to focus on the things I say and force my mouth to be a projector of life, not death. 

The Bible warns that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Most people are clueless to the amount of death they speak over themselves and others on a daily basis. The night I was kept awake by a mouse, I recall saying that I was going to go insane if I didn't get some sleep. I actually cursed myself by saying that. My words can create life or death. What I should have said was, "God will protect me from the mouse and he will help me sleep." 

I did finally fall asleep after I calmed down and prayed for that mouse to stay away from me. I put in some earplugs and trusted in God's goodness as I waited for sleep to come. I got 2 1/2 hours sleep that night, which is pretty typical for me. It's better than zero. 

It's not easy to take every negative thought captive and turn it into a positive thought. It's not easy to train ourselves to speak positive life-giving words in every situation. I'm sixty and I still haven't mastered it. But I do know how important it is to my mental and physical health to speak healing words upon myself. 

When I say nothing good ever happens to me, I set that exact thing in motion. When I call myself poor or tired, then that's exactly what I will stay. As long as I speak negative curses over myself, I will never break free from an exhausted mind and a body full of pain and afflictions. 

The ultimate example of how we should respond under persecution is Jesus. He faced crowds demanding his death, betrayal and abandonment by people he trusted, beatings and whippings, and the horrible pain of being crucified with metal spikes on a wooden cross. Yet, at the height of His pain, He didn't lash out. He didn't swear, complain or curse anyone. He kept his emotions and his tongue under control. And He spoke life into the situation when he pleaded with the Father, "Forgive them, for they do not know what they do." (Luke 23:34)

I pray that I will remember that example and become better at speaking life and using the power of my words to make things better and not worse. There's more than enough negativity in the world. I shouldn't be adding to it. God expects more from His children. 

GETTING MY JOY BACK

 By Danelle Carvell

                                                

                                                                            

Sometimes a smile is hard to manage. But there's always a way out of your funk

..
                                    

I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling like I need a one-way-ticket to anywhere but here. The past two-and- a-half years have been difficult. Today I packed a suitcase and had no clue where I was going. Instead of running away, I decided to write out my frustrations. 

Where do I start? I know that a big part of the problem is the state of the entire world right now. We are all stressed, and we've been stressed for too long. Everyone is longing for some relief from the financial stress, the strain of troubling news stories, the lingering fallout of Covid, family conflicts, and the tiredness that results from dwelling on these negative things.

Today I considered taking a break from hosting our family Thanksgiving dinner because I'm just plain tired. Now is about the time when I sent out invites. We do it by text because it's just easier than making a bunch of phone calls. I started to type out my decision to skip the dinner this year, but I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. So I decided to give it another day. 

I've learned not to make decisions from a place of tiredness, stress or frustration because I've often regretted those impulsive decisions. A single day can make a difference in how I feel, and I've learned to take my emotions to God and soak in His presence before saying or doing something that's reactive to stress. 

The truth is, I feel like the joy has been sucked out of me. The Bible says that the joy of the Lord is our strength, so if you have no joy, you have no strength. Look at any depressed person and you will see someone who lays around with no desire to do much of anything. They've become "unplugged" from their energy source, and they often don't know how to fix the problem.

Fortunately, I do know how to fix the problem. That's why I've locked myself in my bedroom today, first to write out my frustrations and clear my head, and second to spend time soaking up my energy source and get plugged back into God and His word. I know that negative thinking is what has caused my tiredness and lack of joy. The mind is very powerful, and the body will shut down if we allow negative thought patterns to play like a broken record day after day. 

Negative mindsets can appear to be demonic oppression. Negative thinking can also cause depression, and the answer to curing that depression is sometimes as simple as practicing spiritual discipline. You have to be faithful and develop a new way of thinking. Sometimes our lack of joy and feeling tired is actually a demonic attack. It can be difficult to figure out what's causing the way we feel. 

But I'm a Christian. How can I be influenced by demons? Jesus himself was taunted by demons in the Bible. He was just stronger than they are. Being a Christian is not a guaranteed protection against demonic strongholds. You may not need an exorcism, but you might need deliverance from the effects of a demonic stronghold.  

I recently experienced a demonic stronghold, so I know how powerful it can be. My stronghold was the result of dwelling on hurtful comments that had built up over the course of many years. I couldn't let go of these deep wounds because I need to talk things out before I can let something go. And I couldn't talk it out because I knew the conversation would not be well-received. 

So I kept the hurts bottled up and stuffed it deep within myself. It was like a simmering pot of bitterness that I carried around for years in secret. When the pot finally blew its lid, the mess left behind was so destructive that I thought my life and relationships would never be the same. 

When someone has a history of abuse, they can develop a kind of post-traumatic stress that makes them sensitive to further abuse.  All the painful memories of the past come rushing back every time the person feels disrespected or mistreated. They remember that horrible place they were in when the abuse was at its worst. And even if things have gotten much better, the memory of that pain is still there. Even if there has been forgiveness, the injury has not been forgotten and the scars are still causing reactions.

Because of my past, I am sensitive to lectures, verbal disrespect, negative facial expressions and body language, a raised tone of voice, being ignored, rejected or unappreciated. All of these things hit me harder than they would hit someone who has no history of abuse. For the same reason that soldiers hate fireworks, I hate careless words that leave me feeling bullied and belittled. My abuse was more verbal, than physical. 

So how do we break free from the bondage of feeling tired, joyless and beaten up? No Christian who makes Bible reading, prayer, worship, repentance, forgiveness and walking in holiness will ever stay in bondage. There is a way out, but you have to want it and you have to make an effort to break free. 

It starts with a daily decision to meditate on the word of God, spend time talking to Him and then as we go about our day, take every thought captive. You have to change your patterns of thinking and push every negative thought out of your mind as each one comes. What you think about controls how you feel and how you treat people. So turn off the trashy music, the trash movies and TV and stay away from people who love to gossip and criticize. Those things are like poison that will bring you to a low place.

I do have the power to pull myself out of a low place. I am stronger than I think I am. Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. When the world beats me up, I go into a quiet room and draw from my power source. Without my encouraging, energizing power source, I am a victim. But with Jesus, I will always have victory. He wants me to be joyful.

"He will keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee."  Isaiah 26: 3

"Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely or admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things...and the God of peace will be with you." Phillippians 4:8

WHAT I'VE LEARNED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

By Danelle Carvell

High school is a distant memory filled with laughter and regrets.

This September, I will attend my forty-year class reunion, two years later than it should have been due to Covid. As a member of the Upper Dauphin Area class of 1980, I have been out of high school for 42 years. However, my memories of that time are still pretty sharp. I still recall the feeling of walking through those halls and watching so many people pass by me each day. The class bell rang and we quickly shuffled around to get to our next class. The sound of lockers slamming, students chatting, laughing and having to talk over the daily announcements on the office intercom is a vivid memory.

In some ways, it was the best time of my life. But in other ways, it wasn't that great. The thing about being young is the many lessons that we haven't learned yet. I often say that I would love to go back to high school knowing what I know now. My high school experience would have been completely different. Besides the fact that plucking your eyebrows until they're gone is really stupid, here's what I learned.

Being popular is overrated

Popularity is often based on looks, talents, athletic ability and social status. The attractive people are admired. The kids who come from money are admired. And the great athletes or talented ones are admired. Being popular seems to be something we all secretly crave in high school, but only a select few achieve it. The same five girls get on the homecoming court and prom court and the popular guys in high school are usually good looking, talented, or on the football team or into some kind of sports.  At least that's how it was when I was in high school. 

I wish life wasn't like this. Why do we need to lift certain people up on a pedestal and give them royal status by putting a crown on their heads?  It's kinda meaningless if you think about it. Popularity is not always a true representation of the person and the honor they deserve. Sometimes the popular people are the least deserving of admiration. You can know a person by the way they treat other people, and popular people are not always beautiful on the inside. 

I went to the prom with the prom king my senior year. I was happy for him, but everyone has something special about them. All the girls should have worn tiaras to the prom, and the football field was big enough for every senior girl. We should have all been out there having fun on homecoming night. I recall that Lori on the Partridge Family called it a "dubious distinction" when she was voted onto the Homecoming Court. I think she had a point. 

If I could go back to high school and do things over, being popular would be the last thing on my mind. A lot of my insecurities in high school were caused by the pressure I put on myself to be well-liked. That was important to me back then. The way people saw me consumed my thoughts. I'm glad I outgrew that. 

I wish I would have had someone in my life back then who made me realize what's truly important in life. Having people like and admire you is not an important goal. A much better goal is striving to be helpful, kind and respectful toward others. 

The wallflowers are worth knowing

One thing I learned since high school is that most people are worth knowing, even when they seem a little odd or unpopular. Unless they are hateful, everyone has something valuable to offer. I spent time with a few select people in high school. I hung out with my circle of friends. But I wish that I had made an effort to look beyond my own little group and get to know others. 

I  wish that I had granted more respect and acknowledgment to the students who didn't stand out...the shy ones, the uncertain ones, and the loners. I wish that I would have been more of an encourager to the underdogs. High school is hard for people who struggle to fit in and one kind person can make a big difference in someone's life. I could have been that person, but I just wasn't mature enough to consider what other people might be going through. Empathy is something I learned over time. The most empathetic people are always the ones who have suffered the most. 

If I was walking those high school halls today, my mind would be on the people I passed each day and not so much on myself. I've learned that I have a purpose in this life and my purpose is not about me. Loving others is more important than being loved by others. People who live that out each day are the ones deserving of admiration, applause and a crown. 

Learn a profitable skill that you love  In high school, my skills were art, baton twirling and gymnastics. But none of these things could have been a future side-job. Yes, art is something that can be profitable, but other than being voted "most artistic" and selling a watercolor for $15 at an art show, I had no payoff for the time I invested in my high school art. 

I didn't love art. My sister did, and she went on to be a professional artist with a degree in fine arts. She learned a profitable skill in high school that made a difference in her life after graduation. I had plenty of time to do the same and I should have had more focus. The best time to learn new skills is when your're young in my opinion. People can learn new skills at any age, but our brains are sharper in our younger years. Plus we have much more time ahead of us to perfect that skill and profit from it when we get started young. 

I wish I had spent more time in the kitchen baking with my mom, who was a self-taught cake decorator. The last time I baked, I made chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter icing for a church picnic. As people started to head home, several women came up to me and told me how delicious those cupcakes were. One person asked for the icing recipe. My name was on the container, so I guess they asked around and figured out who the cupcake lady was because I didn't know most of them. I also won a baking contest once, so baking is in my blood. My grandmother on my dad's side made pies for a living and she was very good at it. 

Another skill I could have perfected in high school was photography. We had a photography club and at the time I didn't have much interest in that. But today, I admire people who have skills with a camera and I wish that I had taken advantage of that opportunity to master great photos and how a camera works. Both baking and photography are wonderful ways to make an income and a lot of people do these things in addition to their regular jobs. Learning a profitable skill that you love is great advice for any student from the elementary years and up through high school. That skill could end up being your life's work.

Make good use of your time 

I pretty much slept my summers away as a kid. I recall waking up in the early afternoon and feeling groggy from too much sleep. What a waste! I could have found a summer job or used that time to learn something new like gardening, or I could have made it a goal to get through some books over the summer. 

Year after year, I wasted valuable time during the best years of my life when it comes to being able to focus and have energy. If I hadn't been such a time waster, I could have afforded a car of my own instead of relying on other people to get home from band practice and other after-school activities. Then I could have gotten involved in more fun stuff like the class play or the class trips the senior girls planned, which I mostly missed out on. 

Being energetic and wanting to work hard has a big payoff. Back then I had energy that I don't have now, so I regret the time I wasted and the difference it would have made in my life. Making good use of your time has so many benefits. This one lesson would have changed my entire high school experience. But I did learn something since then and I'm not a time waster now. I want to be productive, not just for myself, but for the one who created me. I don't want to get to Heaven and be asked why I didn't make better use of my time.

I know that only a few people will read this. And although I'm not getting paid to write it, I am making good use of my time. I think people are much too focused on whether or not a person gets paid well for their work. What about the rewards in our next life? The Bible has advice about storing up your treasures in Heaven. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm using my time to help people in as many ways as I can. 

Compared to my time-wasting younger years, today I wake up and ask God each day how he wants me to use my time. Today he led me to my laptop where I finished this article. Tomorrow he might lead me to be a helping hand for someone who's tired, sick or hurting. I've learned that my time is not my own. I didn't realize that when I was younger.  

Yes, if I could go back to high school knowing what I know now, it would have been a completely different experience. But life is about making mistakes and learning to do better. What I learned since high school mostly has to do with me becoming less and God and others becoming more. The great commission in life is for us to love God with all our hearts and minds and to love others as we love ourselves. In high school we are focused on ourselves because we usually don't have the spiritual maturity to consider others. 

I'm hoping my class reunion will be a good experience. It's been twelve years since we got together and I was surprised that someone picked up planning it again. I thought it was pretty much over. I'm believing that it will be a good experience, because I know I'm not the only one who has learned a lot since high school.