A TRUE FRIEND IS HARD TO FIND

I recently had my first commentary published in our local newspaper. I thought I'd share it with my blog followers. This is the original essay before it was edited. 

By Danelle Carvell

I have yet to surpass 100 friends on Facebook. The number of friends some people acquire amazes me, but it doesn't really impress me. In today's culture a true friend is hard to find.

Although Facebook friends can be true friends, most of my friends on Facebook are people I rarely see.

I can't have the same relationship with a Facebook friend that I have with a friend whom I see in person. I can't know a friend's heart through a computer.

Time, presence, and depth of discussion determine different types of friendships. I have friends, best friends, and Facebook friends. Meaningful, heartfelt discussion nourishes true friendship, but I rarely have those discussions on Facebook.

Also, there's a certain human touch that's missing on Facebook because ironically there's no face-to- face conversation. Without hearing tone of voice or seeing body language and facial expressions, I can't really know that person's intentions. That's why comments are easily misunderstood on Facebook.

A good laugh, a good recipe and good things to know can be found daily on Facebook. It's a great place for business owners to advertise and for people to share events, news and what's happening in people's lives. It's an entertaining, informative place.

But Facebook isn't always a friendly place. I've seen heated disputes develop on the home page for all to read. On Facebook we can lecture people without being in their presence. We say things that we wouldn't say to them in person. When I received what felt like a lecture, I deleted a friend from my list.

So many questions go unanswered on social networking sites. Can I trust this person? Does she have my best interests at heart or does she just want to know my business? Is she dependable? Would she help me if I needed help? The Facebook friendship is too casual to expect those answers.

But true friendship has no uncertainties. I feel safe to be myself without judgment or criticism. My true friends stand by me in good times and bad. They're willing to sacrifice their own wants to nurture our friendship. They're unselfish givers who are patient, kind, humble, and protective.

Friends have come and gone in my life. As I get older, as I experience and learn more, I continue to raise the bar on friendship. Some of the friends I had twenty years ago wouldn't be my friends today. But everything I expect from a friend is something I would offer to her. I've learned that true friendship requires certain essential ingredients:

Trust I can't share the details of my life with someone I don't trust. I've had friends who only pretended to be friends until I discovered that they weren't trustworthy. Trust is the foundation of true friendship. It can only be earned by consistent displays of loyalty over time.

Listening Some people seem incapable of listening. Their lives are filled with distractions. While I'm talking, she'll answer her cell phone. Or she'll cut me off mid-sentence as if I have nothing important to say. Listening makes people feel important.

Validation Feeling important is at the heart of what I want from a friend. I want someone who makes me a priority. I want someone in my corner who's cheering me on. A true friend always validates the friendship with positive words and actions.

Communication No friendship can last without good communication. I want my friends to tell me if I hurt them. They should be secure in our friendship and able to express their feelings without fear or hesitation. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings are often a result of not talking about it.

Know when to say nothing We simply can't blurt out everything that crosses our minds. Yet some people do, and they claim that they're just being honest. But blatant honesty isn't always the best choice when it comes to friendship.

Encourage, don't lecture I remember the hurt I felt after one friend's suggestion that I “get a backbone” and another friend's harsh advice about a habit I should change. I felt like a child being scolded by a parent. Encouragement motivates people. Lectures feel like spankings.

Be careful with advice Unrequested advice can feel like a lecture. Sometimes we do need to step in and offer guidance, but I've learned to be cautious here. Too much advising can cause tension between friends that isn't easily erased.

Look past actions, consider the motive Sometimes people do things for all the right reasons, but still someone gets hurt. When we look past a friend's actions and consider why she did or said something, we might discover that her intentions were innocent.

Forgive Prideful people have a hard time forgiving, but without forgiveness, the friendship will end because people are fallible. We all say and do things that could hurt others. True friends give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Friendship can be found anywhere and at any point in our lives. One of my best friends today was my best friend in high school. We recently reconnected after years of being out of touch. Spending time with her again makes me realize why I liked her so much in high school. She's easy to be with. I love her sense of humor. She's a caring person who does the most thoughtful things. We enjoy each other's company.

Sometimes friends come into our lives like an unexpected gift, but other times we have to look for them. Seven years ago, when I was pulled out of the workplace by health problems, I felt isolated. Everyone around me seemed to have people close by on whom they could rely, but my life felt empty. I needed a support system, so I started a friendship group.

We call it girls night. Once a month, the five of us take turns making dinner at our homes. We catch up on all that's happened since we last saw each other. We laugh, sometimes there are tears. My friends are still thanking me for starting the group six years ago. If I hadn't reached out to them, we would have missed out on so many wonderful nights of friendship.

Women just need to talk. They need someone to listen when the stresses of life hit hard. Studies have shown depression to be less prevalent in women who maintain many close friendships. When I'm having a bad week, I can't keep my feelings and emotions bottled up. I either need to have a good cry or a good talk with a friend. Crying makes my eyes red and swollen, so I prefer to talk about it.

Like any living thing, friendship needs to be nurtured. It needs time, love and face to face interaction.

Time is often our excuse for neglecting friendships. Women are so busy today that they put off their friends. But without time to visit and care for one another, we can't build real friendships. Women either choose to isolate themselves or they allow it to happen.

We've become a nation of rushed loners who only have time for personal achievement and self-fulfillment. Women work outside the home then spend another 40 hours a week doing household chores. They run their children from one activity to another. Are we settling for superficial relationships that have no closeness, no love? Can we blame busyness or have we just given up on true friendship?

Nurturing friendship is difficult in a culture where women have grown to become competitive instead of supportive. Generations ago, when most women were homemakers and didn't have careers, they lived the same style of life. They had the same struggles and could relate to each other in a supportive way as they accomplished daily tasks related to the home.

But today, homemakers and stay-at-home moms have come under attack. Some career women don't respect homemakers. I have a friend who avoids certain women because they make comments that suggest she lives a privileged life. She's a stay-at-home wife with no children, but very active in her church and community. She's using her time and talents to help others without receiving a paycheck. But our confused society believes she must apologize for being “just” a homemaker.

Why can't women support one another's decisions? Why can't they encourage each other? Because we live in a culture that encourages female competition. Every day we're bombarded with messages that make us question our self-worth as women. Beauty is highly praised. Financial success is admired. Motherhood and homemaking are demeaned. Women don't feel worthy unless they are accomplishing profitable work with a flawless smile, a knockout body, clear skin, and fabulous hair.

I don't enjoy the company of competitive women, but they seem to be everywhere- in the workplace, the school, even in the church. A friendship with someone like that would be nothing but stress. Why do women need to be the best at everything they do? Why can't they relax and work together without all the drama? Something inside them is perplexed. They have no peace.

Rare is the woman who is at peace with herself and that's what it takes to be a true friend. In our culture, we judge others by how they look, what they do, how busy they are, and the nice things they have. But a true friend wouldn't do that. She wouldn't care if I had a career or stayed at home, if I lived in a simple home or a mansion. Nor would it matter to her if I was homely or gorgeous, skinny or overweight. A true friend ignores the shallow standards of our culture and loves me for who I am and who I dream of being. She offers love, not competition.

I rarely feel the love from an email, a text, or a Facebook post. Our modern ways of communicating have put more distance between us. People avoid face-to-face contact. Employees walk past the boss's office and send him a text. Family members text each other while they're all at home. My daughter gets together with her friends and they sit silently with their eyes on their phones instead of each other. What's the point of getting together, I wonder. True friendship happens without technology.

I've learned a lot about friendship, but I still make mistakes. I laugh in awkward situations and my laughter can be insulting. My passion about a subject can come across as pride. I fumble with words and say the wrong things. My personality quirks can be misunderstood. I want a friend who knows me well enough to see who I really am. I want her to know my heart.

The condition of a woman's heart determines whether she'll be a true friend or not. In God's word, we are called to build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11) and bear one another's burdens (Gal. 6:2). But in today's culture, too many girls and women would rather tear each other down. And bearing one another's burdens takes time, so we ignore those around us who are suffering.

I often wonder how many potential friends I walk past every day. How many people does God put in my path that I don't talk to. I guess my reluctance to reach out to people is another reason why a true friend is hard to find.