TAKE THE RIGHT ROAD

Have you ever been so angry that it drained the life out of you? I mean the kind of anger that doesn't go away. Someone hurt you and you can't get it off your mind. You think about the offense every day, maybe rehearse in your mind what you'd like to say to the person. Soon your anger takes on a life of its own. You become a different person. You're a slave to your hostile emotions. Every day your joy is stolen by your decision to feed your anger and keep it alive. Meanwhile, you're dying inside. The real you is rotting away and you feel tired, depressed and hopeless.

Anger is energy. Staying angry takes a lot of energy. So the person who is hurt most by anger is the one who's angry. Someone once said, "Anger is like taking poison and wishing someone else would die." Angry people often suffer from headaches, ulcers, and many other physical symptoms.

Anger is really stupid if you think about it. Someone or something hurt you badly, so you respond by carrying around poisonous emotions that end up making you sick, destroying your relationships, and hurting you even more. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!

I know what it's like to be angry. Someone hurt me a long time ago, and I couldn't get over it. I wanted to get over it. I tried to forget it, but I just couldn't let it go. Within a few months, I became a hateful person. I didn't smile much. I was tired all the time. I snapped at people for the smallest things. It was almost as if something evil had taken over me. I went to see a therapist, and he called it bondage. I was in bondage.

Bondage is slavery. Who would voluntarily put herself into slavery? I signed up for my own destruction because I chose to stay angry instead of to forgive. The price I paid for my anger was destroyed relationships and a broken family. The damage was irrepairable. My anger changed my life and the lives of the people I loved.

What a powerful emotion anger is. We need to watch out for it. God warns us about the danger: "If you are angry, be sure it's not out of wounded pride or bad temper. Never go to bed angry--don't give the devil that sort of foothold." What kind of foothold? In his years of counseling, Roger Barrett has come to believe that resentment destroys more individuals and relationships than any other emotion: "It rips people apart, sets them up for emotional breakdowns, and damages relationships, often beyond repair."

Forgiveness has so much more going for it than anger. So why is it so difficult to take this high road? My answer would be pride. People have too much pride to forgive. They think forgiving is being weak. They think they deserve more. They want revenge. They want answers. Someone has to pay. So they dig a hole for themselves and crawl into the darkness of anger and resentment.

Experience is sometimes the best teacher. But we don't have to experience something to learn a lesson. We can learn from the experiences of others. If you want proof that anger is the most damaging emotion we can hold inside, just ask someone who chose the low road. You won't find a single person who reached the end of her journey and looked back and said, "I chose the best way." The low road is paved with regrets.

Next time someone hurts you, do the right thing for you. Take the high road. The scenery is so much better. Your steps will be light. And your heart will soar upon the freedom of forgiveness.

COMPASSION IS PRICELESS

We're so quick to offer opinions, self-analyze problems and tell others what we think. I recently had a phone conversation with a woman who had me so confused, I was convinced she was suffering from a mental ailment. I made an assumption without knowing the facts, and I did it with little compassion. I just wanted my problems taken care of and she wasn't doing a good job. So I got frustrated and labeled her incompetent.

I later apologized to her because I realized I was wrong. I'm sure she didn't feel good hearing someone tell her, "You're the one who's confused, not me." The second those words came out my mouth, I wanted to suck them back in.

I have a lot of opinions. We all do. Sometimes we need to be tough with our opinions, and sometimes a softer approach is needed. I've learned that when it comes to voicing opinions, the softer approach is always better received. But speaking with compassion isn't always easy.

For example, telling someone who is suffering from a health problem that the problem isn't as bad as she claims... now that's lacking compassion. People know their own bodies. We should respect that. We should respect their opinions about the causes of their problems and the extent of their sufferings. The bible tells us that only the person involved can know her own pain and no one else can really share it. How can we possibly know what causes people's ailments or how bad those ailments really are?

There's a time and a place for tough love. Sometimes people need a Dr. Phil type of awakening. But for the other times, when someone is simply sharing a problem that is out of her control, the best counselors are listeners. They don't harshly voice opinions, they listen. That is, after all, what people want most. In a world filled with so many opinions, compassion is priceless.

A QUIET ESCAPE

I spent the day creating a quiet place in my home where I can go to read, pray, write and escape. The room has a lock on the door. That was a must. I also dug through boxes under my bed and in the basement for items of beauty, inspiration and encouragement. I came across a poem my mother wrote to me when I graduated from high school. It now sits on a shelf in my quiet room along with other tokens of inspiration I found and dusted: my honor society certificate from college, my first and only published article, my art ribbons, and a Mary Engelbreit print that says, "It's never too late to be what you might have been."

People underestimate the importance of having a place to escape from the pressures and noise of the outside world. We should make time every day for complete solitude and silence. It doesn't matter if it's morning, afternoon or evening, whatever time gives you the best chance of enjoying complete silence. When life's pressures begin to close in on us, quiet solitude is what we need most. It's a chance to clear our heads and connect with God, our source of strength and renewal.

What I'm hoping to add to my quiet room is a tabletop fountain. I love the sound of water trickling over rocks. I don't know why that sound is so soothing, but it relaxes me. It reminds me of camping as a young girl when we parked our camper near a mountain stream and I'd fall asleep to that hypnotizing sound. The sound of the ocean has the same relaxing effect. Some people like the songs of morning birds or the late day chorus of crickets. You can actually buy whatever sounds you find relaxing. I have a CD called Sailboat Journey. You can hear the wind pulling the sails, the sound of seagulls, and the water lapping against the boat. It's great to listen to while lying in the sun.

If we're creative, we don't have to spend a cent on gas or even leave home to escape the stress of today's world. All we need is a quiet place that's inviting and relaxing. Then turn that room into an oasis for your senses. Fill it with plants and flowers. Hang beautiful photos or artwork on the wall. Dust off your accomplishments and display them for inspiration. Anything that makes you feel encouraged or appreciated shouldn't be stuck away in a box. Drape the room with fragrances that relax you, like lavendar and bergamot. Bring relaxing sounds into the room like a fountain or sounds of nature on CD's.

You'll be amazed at what a quiet room can do for your state of mind. It's like a mini-vacation you can take every day. Your mind has a chance to rest. Your patience is renewed. Your spirit is restored. God finally has a chance to speak to you and you're finally able to hear him. It's such a simple thing to do. But the treasures in silence are often ignored. Don't let another day go by without your daily silence. A quiet escape might be what you need most.

LIVING WITH A NET

Someone once said being sociable is like living with a net. Having family, friends and neighbors who are an integral part of our lives gives us a soft place to land. Without that net, life is lonely, stressful, and unhealthy. Studies have shown that sociable people are healthier and less likely to become depressed. Yet our society seems to be moving toward less sociable lifestyles.

Ten years ago, I read a great magazine article about the power of friendship. It described the life of a city girl who felt "different" because everyone else seemed to have a support system of family, friends, and neighbors. She came home from work every day and felt lonely. She didn't have people around her that she could depend on. She was living without a net.

The article claimed that we have become a nation of loners. Walking around with cell phones and headphones in our ears puts us in our own little worlds, disconnected from society. Sitting at home in front of a computer is recreation for some people. Before computers, recreation meant socializing in person.

Humans are social beings. We are made to socialize, and if that is missing from our lives, we just don't feel right. We feel different, like someone sitting on the sidelines watching the world go by. But it's never too late to experience life as it was meant to be. Unfortunately, sitting around waiting for the phone to ring won't make us more sociable. It takes effort to build a support system of friends and neighbors. We have to be willing to reach out to others. And we have to be supportive and dependable ourselves. We can only attract what we're willing to give.

I've experienced life both with and without that supportive "net." And I can attest to the difference it makes. Living without a net is damaging to both our physical and mental well-being. Without people close by on whom we can rely, life is an overwhelming challenge. We weren't meant to live without a net. We all need a soft place to fall.

GETTING TO THE HEART

I'm reading a great book on parenting. Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp is a must- read for every parent. I'm only half way through it, and already I've learned some things that I've been doing wrong as a parent. I thought parenting was about getting your children to behave, but according to Tripp, there's something much deeper we need to be doing.

"If you are to really help your child, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior," says the author. As parents, we make the mistake of demanding changed behavior, but we don't address the wrong attitudes that resulted in wrong behavior. This takes time. We have to sit down and talk to our children. And that's probably why so many parents don't do it.

Parenting is a time-consuming responsibility. How many of us really put in the hours required to raise children who are self-controlled because they understand why they behave badly? How many parents take the time to address the issues of a child's heart? What does she fear? Does he feel secure? Is he acting out a habit that he sees his parents demonstrate every day? What's going on in the child's heart that makes that child behave the way he does?

Being a parent is the most difficult role on earth. No other job in the world prepares another human being for adulthood. No other job shapes a person's personality. Parenting is an awesome responsibility. We need to make sure that we're doing it right. When was the last time you read a good book on parenting? I've been humbled after reading only half this book.

We put time into everything else we do. Our children deserve parents who take the time to learn about parenting. I highly recommend Shepherding A Child's Heart.

CHOOSING NOT TO CONFORM

Women have to live in this world, but they don't have to conform to its values. So many women are miserable today because they don't feel worthy in the world's eyes. They're either not thin enough, not busty enough, not pretty enough, or just not enough. Because society tells a woman that her worth lies in her appearance, women all over the world are lacking confidence.

Approximately 80 percent of teenagers don't like the way they look. When I was a teenager, I plucked my eyebrows into a thin perfect arch because that's what I saw in all the magazines. I wanted to be what the world thought was pretty. Years later, when lush eyebrows were back in style, mine were so over-plucked they wouldn't grow back.

Women destroy their confidence by comparing themselves to other women. The problem with comparisons is that we all have strengths and weaknesses. While you admire one woman's strengths, she may be admiring yours. Why can't we just be ourselves and be content with what God gave us?

The bible says, "Be not conformed to this world...by a renewing of our minds." As I write this, I am 44 years old. In the past year, I've watched my upper eyelids begin to sag and the lines around my eyes are becoming deeper and more noticeable. Fortunately, I've renewed my mind when it comes to my appearance. I know my value hasn't lessened because I'm looking older, not in God's eyes.

Women should think of aging as their inner beauty surpassing their outer beauty. I believe I have much more to offer the world than I did at 20, when my skin was firm. I have more experience, more knowledge, more patience, more kindness, and more compassion. I've gotten over the pretty and found something much more satisfying than being praised for my appearance. Serving others is more rewarding because it's God's calling for our lives. Loving and helping people satisfies the soul like being beautiful never will.

There are many ways that women conform to the world. Surrendering to the world's idea of beauty is just one way. But if we keep our eyes focused on God and look to him for validation of our worth, we can have peace and confidence. We can even keep our eyebrows.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, NOT YOUR FEARS


Martina Mc Bride has a great song out right now called, Do It Anyway.
It's such an inspiring song. I'm sure it's motivating people all over the world to follow their dreams despite the uncertainties of stepping into the unknown.

We all have moments of uncertainty, self-doubt, and reluctance. Trying something new or something we're not good at makes us fearful. We worry about the outcome. Fear of failure, rejection, or embarrassment prevents us from stepping out of the comfort zone.

After graduating from beauty school, I couldn't wait to have a salon of my own. In 1984 my dream came true, but I had a fear that hurt my business. I was afraid of haircolor. When a client asked about coloring her hair, I talked her out of it. Color was a profitable service, but I let fear rob me.

For the first thirty years of my life, I avoided everything I feared. But something happened in my early thirties. I got tired of letting fear control me. And I discovered that doing what I fear is far more exciting and rewarding than life in the comfort zone.

Fear is possibly the greatest destroyer of our growth. It robs us of financial success, steals our joy, prevents us from meeting new people, and deprives us of exciting experiences. A rich, full life can only begin when we decide not to let fear control us.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind," said the Apostle Paul in 2 Timothy 1:7. Fear is a demonic, spiritual force and only the Spirit of God can set us free from it.

Every time I sit down to write this column, I have a moment of uncertainty. I wonder if people will see me as a proud know-it-all or too judgemental or too harsh. That's fear rearing its ugly head. What makes me press on is knowing that God doesn't want me to be fearful. He wants me to use my talents to serve others.

There will always be someone with a negative comment, no matter what you try.
But a sound, determined mind that is focused on serving others will always have God's blessing. Fear may rear its head, but it has no power when your intentions are honorable.

I challenge you to do the thing you want but are afraid to do. Don't let fear steal your dreams. You can't grow in the comfort zone. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

THOUGHTS AND WORDS HAVE POWER
We all talk to ourselves. Sometimes out loud when no one is around, I'll carry on a conversation with myself. I'm not afraid to admit this because I think it's healthy to talk to myself. Everyone does it, but perhaps not everyone does it out loud. Some prefer to speak to themselves only in their minds without uttering a word. Either way, it's healthy to sort out feelings, work out problems, or relieve stress by talking to yourself.

The only bad thing about talking to yourself occurs when the words you speak are negative. Negative self-talk causes depression because our thoughts precede and determine our feelings. If a woman tells herself that she'll never be happy and that her life is a hopeless drifting of one lonely day into the next, then she'll soon be too depressed to do anything about her predicament.

People underestimate the power in our thoughts and the words we say to ourselves. Most of us are careful to say just the right thing to others, but we don't give ourselves the same courtesy. We are hard on ourselves, unforgiving, and unkind. We don't realize how we drag ourselves down with that internal voice that is always focusing on the negative.

Women are especially good at negative self-talk. They put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect that they forget about the wonderful qualities they do have. If the scale doesn't read the right number or if their children aren't behaving, they blame themselves for these imperfections and scold themselves for not doing better. "I'm a bad mother," says one woman.
Another woman obsesses about her weight, telling herself, "I'm disgusting."

Sometimes negative self-talk is the result of a poor childhood. Growing up with critical parents that could never be pleased, or parents who didn't give the nurturing we needed can cause us to feel bad about ourselves. Our self-esteem is often tied to our upbringing.

But the good news is that we don't have to continue feeling bad. We can train ourselves to speak positive words when we talk to ourselves. We can catch ourselves when we think negatively and redirect our thoughts to be praiseworthy instead of critical. Then when we become good at speaking positive words to ourselves, we can take it a step further and begin to praise the people around us.

Most people don't realize the damage that can be done with negative thoughts and critical words. The way we think determines the way we feel. What we say to ourselves can put us into a state of depression if those thoughts are constantly negative. What we say to our children can ruin their self-esteem, kill their ambition, or fill them with anger.

So be careful what you think and say. Words and thoughts have power. Your thoughts and your words have the power to bring death or life to any relationship, including your relationship with yourself. Dwell on the good things in yourself and others. Train your mind to be humbly self praising. And train your tongue to be a life-giving force that focuses on what is true and good and right. You can change your life just by changing your thoughts and words.

LEARN TO SPEAK YOUR SPOUSE'S LOVE LANGUAGE

What is a love language? It's the way that people show and understand emotional love. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, we must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These are the ways that people express love and the things that make them feel loved. And since everyone's love languae is different, you must express love in the language that your spouse understands in order for him to feel loved and vice versa.

For example, Steve's love language is acts of service. He feels loved when his wife, Cindy, does things for him like cook his favorite meal. As long as she continues displaying loving acts of service, Steve's "emotional love tank" stays full and he feels secure in her love. But if Cindy fails to speak his love language, her husband will feel used, not loved.

On the other hand, Cindy's primary love language is physical touch. She also has two secondary love languages: words of affirmation and quality time. If Steve neglects to touch his wife as they go about their daily routines, if he forgets to kiss her goodnight, hug her when he gets home, or just touch her as she walks by, she will begin to feel lonely and unloved. If he spends most of his free time with friends and doesn't plan time alone with Cindy, she will feel unimportant. And if weeks go by without a single compliment from the man she loves, she will feel unappreciated.

People express and receive love in different ways, yet so many couples don't have a clue what each other's love language is. I could buy my husband a gift every day, thinking that I'm expressing my love, but receiving gifts isn't his love language, so it wouldn't make him feel loved at all.

Have you ever heard a man say, "I give that woman everything she wants and she's still not happy"? His idea of "everything" is material things like a new car or a new wardrobe. But what if his wife's love language is quality time? A workaholic husband with a wife who feels loved when he makes time for her, now there's a divorce in the making.

Don't underestimate the importance of knowing your spouse's love language. Talk about it. Let him know what you need to really feel loved and appreciated. Ask him what he needs from you. Then write it down and post it on the refrigerator as a reminder.

Something else to keep in mind, children have love languages too. Chapman also has written, The Five Love Languages of Children. It's a must read for every parent. But if you don't have the book, you can learn your child's love language by observing the way that she expresses love to others. This will give you a clue. If your child is always creating gifts and cards for people, then she probably feels most loved when she receives gifts and tokens of appreciation.

Once you understand love languages and begin speaking them to the ones you love, you can literally change the atmosphere of your home. It's that powerful! We all long to feel loved and appreciated, so we must learn to express love in a language that's understood. Learn the love language of every member of your family. It's a valuable thing to know and a powerful tool to put into action.

CHANGE IS GONNA COME

Death and taxes aren't the only two certainties of life. There's at least one more, and it's a big one--change. A former lover of the comfort zone, I've since learned a lot about change, especially this past year. My life is completely different than it was this time last year.

At first I fought the changes. I questioned them. I even got angry. Why is this happening? It's not fair. I enjoyed my life the way it was, and I planned to spend my future in that comfort zone.

Like the character, Hem, in the book, Who Moved My Cheese, I didn't want my life to change. Hem liked his familiar, safe surroundings. They brought him comfort. But when his cheese supply suddenly disappeared, he became paralyzed and depressed. Instead of going out and looking for new cheese, he waited for his situation to improve. He sat around and hoped his old cheese supply would somehow return.

By now you figured out that cheese is a metaphor for what you want in life. And when the things you want are suddenly taken from you, it can be a difficult adjustment. This was the problem I faced last year when both my health and my job took an unexpected turn. Looking back, I see that questioning the change didn't help. Feeling frustrated didn't help. Complaining didn't help. The only thing that did help was accepting my new situation and looking for ways to adjust.

When I changed my attitude and moved in a new direction, new opportunities came my way. When I stopped wishing for the way things were, I saw the way things could be and what I saw was quite hopeful, maybe even better than the life I had. My eyes opened to the reality that this change I was so angry about could turn out to be a blessing if it led me to something better.

Are you having trouble dealing with change? Are you depressed, angry, confused? I understand. I've been there. So who better to point you in the right direction? First, stop wishing that the change in your life wouldn't have happened. It's done. Focusing on the past keeps you stuck in the past and you miss chances for a better future. Second, get moving toward something new. Don't let fear stop you. You are so much stronger than your fears.

Just go out and explore your options. You don't have to grab the first thing you find. Pray for discernment. God will open a door, but only if you start knocking.  And once you've settled into this new life of yours, and once you realize how much better off you are now compared to before the change, then you can look in the mirror and say, "I'm not afraid of change."

And one last thing, don't get too comfortable with the way things are now. Be on the lookout for signs of change. The comfort zone is not a destination, it's only a rest stop. And you must keep traveling, because there is so much more to see.

I'VE NEVER MET A HAPPY, SLOPPY PERSON

The worst part about being unorganized is the way it makes us feel. When I was a teenager, my bedroom was a mess and I felt like a mess. Since I couldn't organize the place where I spent most of my quiet time, I was a mess in every area of my life. In high school I sometimes went to the wrong classroom because I kept losing my class schedule. It was embarrassing to hear my name over the intercom after a teacher reported me missing. I felt like an airhead.

"When we are disorganized, we don't like ourselves, our jobs, or much else about our worlds," says Gordon McDonald in his book, Ordering Your Private World. That is so true. When I don't organize my time, I feel unproductive and wasteful. When my home and car are a mess, I feel sloppy and lazy. Being undisciplined just makes me feel like a mess. Living that way is depressing, and it affects every part of my life, including my relationships with people and with God. I can't focus on what's important when I'm surrounded by clutter.

I've gotten better at being organized since my high school days. But I still haven't mastered it completely. I can let a sink full of dishes set overnight without it bothering me. I don't want to become obsessed. Then I would have other problems. No one could live with me!

If you've been wanting to bring a sense of order to your life, here are a few tips for getting started. Some of these things might take a lot of work, but I promise it will be worth it. The sense of peace you feel when you come home to an uncluttered refuge is something you need in today's chaotic world. Some of these ideas came from yesterday's Oprah Winfrey show and some came from my own experience.

Organize your clothes If your house is cluttered with clothes, throw every piece of clothing on a pile and separate what you want to keep and what needs to go. Go through one room at a time so you don't feel overwhelmed. Then put the clothes you plan to keep in an organized closet or storage area. This alone will make you feel lighter and more orderly.

Buy a file cabinet I keep files on each family member that contains personal information such as health records, photos, certificates, social security cards, etc. I also have an alphabetical file. My "A" file contains receipts for antiques I've purchased and my "P" file contains product information such as warranty cards and instruction booklets for cameras, alarm clocks, appliances and other purchases.

Write reminders on a calendar Those little appointment cards you get at the dentist don't do any good stuck in your wallet. Post a calendar with plenty of room for daily notes. If your child needs a disposable lunch for a field trip, write it down. If you volunteered to send a snack to school, write it down. Keep school activity and lunch calendars posted so you don't miss picture day and pizza day. When you receive an invitation, write it on the calendar along with the deadline to RSVP.

Carry a notebook or keep one in your car How many times do you receive information away from home that you know you should write down? Phone numbers, addresses, directions, all kinds of information comes at you when you're out in the world. Have a place to record these things and carry several pencils or pens. If you have a cell phone, record the numbers you call most. Voice recorders are great ideas too. Carry a phone and address book. When you record a new entry, transfer it to your address book at home.

Have a special place for things Put your keys in the same place every time you come home. Return the scissors to its special place. Know where to find the glue, tape, a flashlight, everything you need. Organize your refrigerator the same way. Don't waste time searching for things. Know exactly where things are because you return them to their special place each time.

I could give you a much longer list, but once you start organizing your life, it penetrates every area of your home and workplace. You see how much easier life is and how much better you feel, and it makes you want more. Being organized. Try it. You'll like it.