CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WISELY

By Danelle Carvell

The names in this article were changed to protect identities.

The wrong friends can wreak havoc on your life. I've ended three friendships in the past six years because they were causing me more harm than good. It’s okay to end a friendship if the relationship brings stress to your life. The bible says, “Never turn your back to a friend,” but the key word is friend. True friends are supposed to enrich our lives, not make us miserable.

"The romanticized ideal that friendships should not end or fail may create unnecessary distress in those who should end a friendship but hold on, no matter what," says Jan Yager, PhD, in her book, When Friendship Hurts.

Women can be very competitive. They look for flaws in other women to make themselves feel better. If a woman compares herself to me and always needs to come out on top, she's not a friend. I've learned that insecure women who find joy in my failures do not make good friends. True friends want me to achieve great things, look great, and have the best in life. They're not critical but encouraging. If a friend makes you feel like she's competing with you, she probably is, so step out of her arena and let her find another opponent.

Good friends aren't all about themselves, wanting only to talk about their own lives. They are genuinely interested in the lives of others. Before I ended my friendship with Erica, she drained the life out of me with every conversation. She saw me as nothing more than a dumping ground, a place to unload her stress without caring that I might have some of my own.

False friends are not good listeners. They're so self-absorbed that they miss out on the most rewarding part of friendship--caring for and supporting each other. If you find yourself always being the listening ear or the shoulder to cry on, make yourself unavailable. A friend like that will eat away at your self-esteem. True friends make you feel valued by being empathetic listeners.

Nothing makes me feel more valued than an honest, trustworthy friend. I could tell her the juiciest secret and she won't even be tempted to pass it on. But I've had my trust betrayed many times and I'm much more careful about who I consider trustworthy. 
 

Be careful who you trust with personal information. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, guard it with your life. Trust must be earned. Friends who like to gossip will be gossiping about you as soon as you leave the room. But a friend with a quiet, gentle nature who tries to see the good in others will likely be someone you can trust.

Perhaps the most endearing quality a friend can have is a forgiving heart. Like marriage, every friendship has its ups and downs. I haven't spoken to my friend Donna in over two years. She's holding a grudge about something I said and after three attempts to resolve the matter, I gave up. She has ignored a phone call, a party invitation, and a written apology. Part of being a true friend is allowing people to be human. We all need forgiveness because we all say and do hurtful things. I didn't intend to hurt Donna. She misunderstood my words. A friend who can't forgive proves that her pride is more important than you, so let her walk.

The commonality between you and worthy friends will always be values. I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship with any woman who doesn't value the same things I do. I learned that  friendship can't last unless my friend is walking in the same direction I am.  If I value honesty,  trust, and dependability and she thinks nothing of lying  and going back on her word,  then what do we have in common?  Ending a relationship is not easy, and I'm glad that I may never have to end another friendship because I've learned not to start one unless the person loves God, values people, and puts material things last.