A MOTHER'S LEGACY

By Danelle Carvell 

Mothers must prepare their daughters for life and marriage because no one else will. What school offers classes on that subject? In the seventies, I learned how to sew a pillow and bake a crumb cake in home economics class, but I learned nothing about choosing a husband, being a good wife, or maintaining a marriage. Yet these were the skills I needed most to learn. I can live without crumb cake.

A woman might spend an entire year planning her wedding but invest no time preparing for marriage. Today, couples get married without planning a simple budget. How will their money be spent? Will they have a joint checking account or keep separate accounts? How much will they put toward savings and retirement? And what about credit cards? Will they use them freely or set a spending limit?   Money is possibly the number one topic couples argue about.

Another topic of conflict is housework. How will they divide household chores? Who will cook, clean, and shop for groceries? These tasks are no longer a woman's work since women work outside the home. Yet some men still consider household chores a wife's duty. Imagine her surprise when he refuses to help at home. Imagine the arguments.

Then when the couple become parents, more issues pop up to argue about. How will they discipline their children? Will the wife go back to work after baby or be a stay-at-home mom? What time should children be in bed? Should they fall asleep in front of the TV or should TV time be limited? One by one, questions like these surface in every marriage and they turn into arguments that drive couples apart. What should have been discussed before the wedding becomes a series of verbal battles that can turn the most loving couple into silent enemies.

I hope my daughter won't make the same mistakes I did. I hope she'll have a plan for raising her children, a plan that she'll discuss with her partner before the wedding. I hope she'll know how her future husband feels about housework before she marries him. I want her to know how all the household chores will be divided before the wedding.

When my daughter walks down the aisle I want her to be confident that her marriage will hold few surprises. I hope they'll decide beforehand how their finances will be handled. Almost everything that could turn into an argument will have been discussed beforehand. That's my wedding wish for her.

No mother wants her daughter to suffer, not physically, not emotionally. But when your daughter makes bad choices, she will suffer. Therefore, mothers must share with their daughters all that they've learned about men, marriage, and raising children so they're prepared and they don't have to struggle through it all.

Every mother can guide her daughter away from life’s heartaches. Looking back on the choices I’ve made, I see the good that can come from my suffering. My daughter can learn from my mistakes. I walked ahead of her and now I must turn around and share what I learned. I must warn her about the paths that lead to pain and make her understand the power she has to bring misery or joy to her life just by the decisions she makes.

Life is about choices. People say that all the time. My choices have led me where I am today. They’ve molded me into the person I am.  I like where I am and who I am, but I’ve made decisions that brought me great heartache. Yes, I would change some of my decisions if possible. And the things I would change are the things I want my daughter to know. She can use my lessons as a guide when she ventures out into this great big world full of so many choices.